Possessing the Promises of God

Cohen got my early rising gene. Our day began at approximately 4a, when he woke up electrified by a dream that a dragon was eating all of his cheerios. I wish you could have seen his little face as he told me the whole sordid tale…it was a mixture of terror and indignation with the weight of the expression all in his eyebrows which were arched in sheer passion. I assured him that there were no cheerio eating dragons in the house and then got up and poured him a bowl just to be sure.

What a way to start the day, right? I am thankful he’s entertaining on mornings when he’s raring to go and I would love a little more shut eye.

It is still snowing and for those of you who live outside of these snow storm’s reach, I am praying God will help me to still like you. I attempted to get out of the house yesterday to go and do some work on my own house, but when I got there I realized I had nowhere to park my car (due to massive snow piled up right in front of my driveway by the snow plows numerous trips up and down the street). I couldn’t even park on the street because it was basically one lane (again due to the mounds of snow) so I just looked wistfully at my house and sadly drove back to my parents’, knowing full well it would be awhile before I got out again.

One thing is sure… the snow is affording me some good reading time I don’t always get when I am out and about.

This morning in between disciplining and redirecting the three little boys, I read the book of Joshua and the Lord began to speak to my heart something I wanted to share with you.

But, naturally, I have to back up a little first to give you some context. You don’t mind, do you?

Moses was one of the most reluctant leaders of the Bible (literally back tracking and making excuses until God wanted to take him out) but he turned out to be a very bold man in the end. I suppose that’s what following God will do for you…transform weakness into strength. If its been awhile since you read Exodus, I encourage you to sit down with a warm beverage on these cold days and read it straight through so you can really appreciate Moses’ transition from weak-kneed whiner to bold friend of God.

God promised Moses that the Israelites would inherit a land flowing with milk and honey and that He would “utterly” drive out all of the people of the land ahead of them. Scouts were sent to the land and charged to bring back a report. The report brought back to the people was largely one that “made their hearts melt like water”. The scouts could only see that the people were as big as giants and they became full of fear. Caleb and Joshua urged the people to believe God and because of that, they were the only ones of the whole group who got to enter the land which God had promised them. Moses got to see it far off just before he died, but for forty years the Isrealites wandered in the wilderness until all who had not believed God had died.

After the death of Moses, God chose Joshua to lead His people and about a million times in the book of Joshua God tells him “be strong and courageous”. Okay a million might be a stretch, but literally almost every single time it is recorded that God spoke to Joshua he begins with that command. It doesn’t take long before that Word gets down into the spirit of Joshua and we hear him instructing the Israelites in just the same way.

So Joshua leads the Isrealites into the land and sure enough, the Lord makes good on His promises and drives out the nations before them. If you are in a battle be it emotional, physical, spiritual…make Joshua a point of reference. Every battle the Lord fought for them is recorded and it will strengthen your heart to read how all of the creative ways the Lord fought for His people.

I love the conclusion that Joshua makes near the end of the book (21:43-45):

“And the Lord gave to Israel all the land which He had sworn to give their fathers, and they possessed it and dwelt in it. The Lord gave them rest round about, just as He had sworn to their fathers. Not one of all their enemies withstood them; the Lord delivered all their enemies into their hands. There failed no part of any good thing which the Lord had promised to the house of Israel; all came to pass.”

Imagine that… God making good on His own word. You might want to highlight that in your Bible so the next time the enemy of your soul tries to make you doubt God, you can throw that at him… It makes me think of a verse we’d all do well to cling to (Numbers 23:19):

“God is not a man that He should tell or act a lie, neither the son of man that He should feel repentence of compunction [for what He has promised]. Has He said and shall He not do it? Or has He spoken and shall He not make it good?”

You have to love those rhetorical questions.

The Lord made good on what He promised. He said it and He did it just as He said He would. He followed through completely on His own word.

So it struck me as interesting when Joshua spoke to 7 of the 12 tribes who had yet to stake out their land and asked this, “How long will you be slack to go in and possess the land which the Lord, the God of your fathers, has given you?”

Hmmm…

A few weeks ago a dear friend of mine, Sarah, was home from IHOP, where she and her husband serve. She was turning 30 and her sweet husband got her a plane ticket to Ohio and set up a brunch with a group of her friends.

I felt torn… I thought I felt torn because though I love Sarah and couldn’t wait to see her for the first time in almost a year I also had some anxiety about seeing other people I hadn’t seen since my baby shower for Cohen. I wrestled with it for a few days and ultimately on the morning of the brunch I asked God.

“Should I go?”

“Yes.”

So I got dressed and took my semi-insecure self to Springfield, singing praise music on the whole 45 minute ride to keep my nerves in check… or so I thought.

The brunch was beautiful, Sarah more so. Four months pregnant with her third child, she was absolutely radiant. The whole time I was thinking how glad I was that I had come. I reconnected with some old friends, held babies (I was the only one who had not just had a baby or was pregnant in a crowd of 20 women), and enjoyed the Lord together with them.

As I was about to leave, Sarah asked if there could be at time of prayer for me. Never turn down prayer, right? So I sat back down and she annointed my head with oil and laid hands on me and prayed. She prayed and a few old friends prayed and a few ladies I had just met prayed and my whole body was enveloped in chills. Things were spoken that are too precious for me to even recount, though I am treasuring them in my heart.

I wasn’t battling going that Saturday morning because of insecurity… that’s just what the enemy wanted me to think. I was battling because he was trying to keep me from the Word of the Lord and those beautiful prayers. The praise music on the way in? It wasn’t for my nerves… it was my battle song.

The Lord spoke promises to me and at least one of them I have already seen come to pass.

And the rest of them? Well, the Lord is not a man or even the son of a man that He should be dishonest… He has already made good on those promises just like the Israelites had been given that land from the moment the Lord spoke the word to Moses.

The question isn’t will God give us His precious promises; the question is will we possess them? Will we lay hold of them? Will we hold Him to His word? Or will He go ahead of us and make a way only to find us dilly dallying around, being “slack” in taking possession of what He has already given?

That’s the question the Lord asked me this morning. Kate, will you possess the promises I have given you?

Two Sundays ago, Pastor taught out of Matthew 15 “The Canaanite Woman”. I will get around to writing about some of the insights God gave him because it rubbed my heart raw…so good. One of the main points he made was about the persistence of the Canaanite woman. At the end of service, I bet half the congregation was at the alter seeking the Lord, coming boldly as the writer of Hebrews said to do.

Persistence...you know what Jesus said to that woman? “O woman, great is your faith. Be it done to you as you wish.”

Persistence…when the tribe of Joseph laid hold of the land God had given them (the were one of the 4 tribes who had already staked out their land, the 5th tribe was Levi who had no inheritance in the land because the Lord was their inheritance (these were the preists)) they found that their portion was too small for the number of people in their tribe. So they went to Joshua and told him about their dilemma.

Listen to Joshua’s reponse…
“If you are a great people, get up to the forest and clear ground for yourselves in the land of the Perizzites and Rephaim, since the Ephraim hill country is too narrow for you.”

They again object and point to the Canaanites and all of that they have (iron chariots, etc).

Joshua doesn’t change his tune,
“You are a great and numerous people and have great power; you shall not only have one lot. But the hill country shall be yours; though it is a forest, you shall clear and possess it to its farthest borders; for you will drive out the Canaanites, though they have iron chariots and are strong.”

The Lord had given them what He promised and yet they didn’t just come into the promise and have no work to put their hand to. The land needed cleared. The had to work to possess the land to its farthest borders. They had to drive out the strong and well equipped enemy. (The tribe of Dan had a similar situation Joshua 19:47)

Possessing the promises of God isn’t a cake walk. The Lord has freely given…”I have given you a land for which you did not labor and cities which you did not build, and you dwell in them; you eat from vineyards and olive yards you did not plant” (Joshua 24:13)… and yet laying hold of those precious promises will require more of us than just existing.

I asked the Lord about this.

“Lord, what does it take to possess the promises you have made?”

And this is what I heard from Him:
-Faith… faith is the ability to believe God to the point of obedience. That’s why His mantra to Joshua was “do not fear!” because fear and disbelief will get you to disobey God more quickly than anything else.
-Steady Gaze… don’t look to the right or to the left… if God has said it, He will accomplish it! You cannot look at circumstances… even if the land God has promised you is full of giants, don’t regard them…regard God.
-Be Persistent… read Matthew 15…that Canaanite woman had the right attitude
-Cultivate… the tribe of Joseph had to clear a forest to make room for themselves. The Lord gave them the land, but it needed worked. God may have said something to you that He has already accomplished, but it doesn’t mean you won’t need to roll up your sleeves and work the soil of His gift.
-Drive Out.. the Canaanites needed driven out…what mighty thing is trying to occupy the promise that God has given you? Is it fear? Is it disbelief? pride? Whatever the enemy is, you will need to drive it out. The Lord had wiped out the giants and lots of “ites” (Hittites, Jebusites, etc) but He left the Canaanites for Jospeph’s tribes to drive out.

The good news is this… “His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust” (2 Peter 1:3-4)

His divine power (think: the Spirit) has given us everything we need to lay hold of those magnificent promises and in so doing to literally participate in the divine nature of God and escape the corruption of the world.

So friends, lay hold of and possess the precious promises of God.

The Judean Desert

Two days ago I picked up a book I bought some time ago and never read. I am not going to lie… that is a frequent occurance in my life. I mostly buy used books online so while I save money sometimes I miss that thumbing through it first to see if it “feels” like a book I want to read. Anyone know what I mean?

Just the same, I picked up the dark blue cover of “40 Days in the Judean Desert” from the bookshelf and immediately began to wonder how I could have overlooked it for the months. The title is pretty straightforward. It is a memoir of a man who had an experience with Jesus and felt called to spend 40 days in the desert like Jesus had.

I am only a few days in to his journey and so far he’s mostly written about the scorpians and the lizards and the dizzying heat. And somehow I have gotten a longing to go from his description of desolation and loneliness.

He must be a really good writer.

Cohen and I were inching along the road last night to attend the latter half of a SuperBowl party at our friends’ home. “Inching” due to the winter storm that dumped about 14 inches of snow on Logan County and “the latter half” because 2 year olds aren’t known for their ability to make it through long parties and I figured the second half would be the half to see. Not that I saw any of it, but you know…

It was taking forever to get to Beth and Will’s and then we made it to the train tracks just in the time for the criss cross barriers with blinking red lights to lower. I was slightly annoyed at another delay, but Cohen was elated. He watched in utter amazement as the train zipped by louder and faster than he had imagined. I watched his blue eyes widen through the rearview mirror.

He started talking about how fast the train was and how he wanted to RIDE ON IT! He told me on Tuesday of last week that he was going to swim with sharks and kick them in the head and then on Friday he told me if there were any snakes in our yard he was going to smash them with his feet. Sometimes I wonder if I should remind him he weighs 27lbs? So I tried to the turn the conversation by telling him how sad it would be to Mommy if he fell off of a train going that fast. He thought for a moment and told me he’d kick the train if it made him fall off. I probably should have seen that one coming, eh?

I finally convinced him that trains for people moved more slowly so it was safe and that he could definitely ride on one sometime. As the words came out of my mouth, I suddenly had flashbacks of riding through the Swedish countryside on a train with my mom, my sister, my then-fiance, and a few other people. The cars were all windows and the green landscaped, punctuated by the vestiges of winter snow sped by, creating that nostalgic pit in my stomach. It was a magical experience that left me wondering why trains aren’t used more here. I suppose because we are more concerned with time and convenience than magical experiences.

Anyway I told Cohen about the train in Sweden, emphasizing the things he’d care about (read: speed, color, sound). He crossed him arms in the backseat “Why you not wait for me, Mommy?” I decided to forego trying to explain that he hadn’t even be conceived at that point, and instead told him, “I promise Cohen that someday you and I will go on a train. We will have all sort of adventures! Mommy is going to take you to Africa or Asia..somewhere!”

He got quiet. I hoped that it was because he had no idea what gigantic promises I just made him. Who am I kidding? He was taking mental notes to hold me to every word. *grin*

Its not even 9 in the morning yet and he’s already asked me twice when we are going on that train ride.

Love it.

I awoke this morning to another day in Ohio’s winter wonderland. I have to admit, with the sun shining intermittenly, it is gorgeous. I tend to hate winter because I hate the cold. I got challenged to think of it differently by a friend who painted a picture of a cabin nestled in the woods, surrounded by mountains, a wood burning fireplace inside and cocoa in hand. I keep clicking my heels, but no such cabin has appeared. Still, the imagery helps when you are for days on end trapped in house. Maybe it wouldn’t be better in a cabin (hence the term “cabin fever”). Who knows.

I was thinking it was the snow, though. I was blaming this itching feeling on the snow. I was thinking, perhaps all of this winter is making me want adventure more than usual. Perhaps that’s why I am trying to figure out when I can fly to Israel and experience the heat of the desert. Perhaps that is why watching a train with my toddler had me transporting back to a train in Sweden and making promises I hope God will help me keep.

Its not the snow, though.

I asked God about it this morning. “Lord, is it the snow?” I asked. “You know it isn’t”

I did know.

My brother in law Shane once told me this long story about this season of his life that was very trying… he was depressed and dealing with a lot of anxiety and then a tree fell on him and a bunch of other stuff. I don’t remember all of the details because what he ended the conversation with was so unexpected. “Sometimes I really miss that season.” At the time he shared this with me, I was in the middle of my own trying season and I thought he was being overly spiritual… or that he was insane… or both.

The Lord brought that story to my mind this morning and on the heels of it this passage from a book a recent read and LOVED.

“The ground was dreadfully muddy and slippery, and although the path did not climb nearly so steeply as before, after some hours Much-Afraid found to her amazement that she was missing the rolling thunder of the storm and even the sickening crash of the trees as lightening splintered them.

She began to realize that, cowardly as she was, there was something in her which responded with a surge of excitement to the test and difficulties of the way better than the easier and duller circumstances… she founder herself realizing with astonishment that even the dizzying precipice had been more to her liking than this plodding on and on…In some way the danger of the storm had stimulated her; now there was nothing but tameness…”

The book is “Hinds Feet on High Places” by Hannah Hurnard and yes, you should purchase and then slowly digest it. It is an allegory of a girl named Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Places the Shepherd had promised to take her. At the point where this passage picks up, she has been attacked by her fiercest enemies (Pride, Bitterness, Resentment and that old Self Pity), she has taken an unexpected detour into the desert, wandered for days on the shores of loneliness, climbed the precipice of of injury, and made her way through the forest of tribulation and danger. She finds herself in a dense fog, walking for days on end. The way isn’t rough or steep or dangerous and yet the tameness of it has her missing the places she had so reluctantly already traveled.

What the writer said some 60 years ago and my wise brother in law said, I now understand.

Though there are many loose ends still to be tied up in my life, after years best described as tumultuous, things are slowing down to a low hum. The ends and new beginnings are within view, coming steadily and assuredly and for once, I don’t wish them to be sooner than they will be. I no longer wake with surging anxiety and a list as long as my arm of things I need to do but feel I can’t. Let me clarify: I don’t miss that.

What I do miss is aching you feel when you realize how much you need Jesus every single second. I still need him every second, but sometimes when I wake up and the whole day is in front of me with nothing to dread, its easier to just go through the motions of potty training and nose wiping and laundry folding. I doubt Shane really missed the sensation of a tree falling onto his back, but I know what he meant about the pangs of longing that come later.

No one ever goes into the wilderness and comes out the same. The Bible states that at the end of time, fire will reveal what things really are composed of… some things will be refined and others burnt up. Wilderness seasons are like that. A lot of things in my life were consumed, burnt up, shown to be hollow and selfish and vain. Other things were tested and tried and shown to be purer for the fire. I hated every second of stepping into that fire, but now I almost look forward to the next time My Refiner will ask me to step back in. I hope next time I will step in with less whining and sniveling. Oh you didn’t think there would be a next time? Always is, friends, always is.

Testing has a transformative power that is almost unparalled. It has a way of burnining up the impurities from atop of what is really Good and Holy and Right. I know you didn’t want me to say that, but its true.

I had a pretty tame life until a few years ago. Things mostly went my way. I did well in school. I had friends. I thought I loved God and in a way, I did. What the fire taught me was that my love for Him was as shallow as a teenage crush. I loved Him for what He could do for me. I loved Him largely for what loving Him made me feel. I loved the club I joined by associated with Him.

When my life was not panning out how I had hoped and I was stretched and pulled and hurting beyond what I knew how to cope with and the crush feelings had long worn off, I had a decision to make, although I didn’t realize that was what I was really staring in the face. I thought I was depressed. But the real issue was this: was I going to abandon Him because nothing was what I once thought or was I going to really love Him?

In the end, I found that once everything else had burned away and the chaff had scattered, I loved Him. The words of Job started to make sense, “though He slay me, yet will I serve Him”. When the club seemed more like a dysfunctional family and when I didn’t have the warm fuzzies and even when He wasn’t doing what I thought He should when I thought He should, that’s when I found out what it means to love Him.

Much-Afraid has a similar experience in the allegory. She begins to wonder if the Shepherd has lied to her and is only playing a mean trick on her because she’s not seeing His promises come to fruitition in her timing. The Shepherd asks her, “what if I did lie to you?” She weeps and wrestles with it, ultimately concluding she could never leave Him even if He had, which of course, He hadn’t. But it is that depth of love we need…the kind with no strings attached… its that love which has for its closest companion obedience. Crush level love will never associate with obedience for long.

I remember in college, curling up in my closet (it had a deep shelf that was the perfect size for a pillow and a lamp and I did my best reading and praying there) and telling God I wanted Him to use my life. I meant it too. I just meant it in that “please God put my name in lights for Your Glory” kind of way. Again, under the fodder there was real desire for God.. there was just a lot of fodder that needed to be burned off.

If I had any idea that the Lord was going to use all of my choices for His Good by taking me through the desert, letting me get bruised and bloodied in my fights against Pride, Bitterness, Anxiety and the like, wandering with me through the seaside of loneliness, making me climb the mount of injury (and allowing me to get injured) only to make a way through forests of tribulation and danger, I might never have made that request. Not that I think my request set all of that in motion, but still…I bet my cry would have been different.

And still looking back at all of those seasons and experiences, I feel that pit of nostalgia building inside me. I can feel myself drawing my legs in, sitting on the seat of that old Swedish train to look out the window. The scenary flying by is terrible and rugged and majestic, green mixed with white, Spring and Winter, beauty and ashes, sorrow and joy, mourning and praise.

Welling up in me is a sense of gratitude and longing that bubbles up and cannot help but overflow. I learned a secret in the wilderness. Sorrow may last for a night, but Joy comes in the morning. I had heard that many times before experiencing it, but I what I didn’t know until I went through was that Sorrow doesn’t get exchanged for Joy instead Sorrow becomes Joy. The Light shines on what had been weeping and reveals it to be the obvious precursor to dancing.

There are a great many things I am glad to close the chapter on; many things I am thankful to speak about in the past tense. What the Lord has carried me through, I would have never thought possible. Don’t think I am an Isrealite thinking wishfully about Egypt. No, no, no…

Not a smidge.

What I do find myself longing for is that desperate dependence; that breathless abandon. I am plodding along through a thick mist that clears for a moment here and there when I get glimpses of all that is coming and will be; promises made good on. But for now, I am mostly plodding along on relatively level ground… working and playing and disciplining and being faithful.

“Lord, it just doesn’t feel very exciting. I don’t want to become an adrenaline junkie, but the ground is just very level.” (The gut level honesty)

It was never the snow.

“I want to be envigorated here on level ground too.” (The heart cry)

“To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted,
A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build up,
A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
A time to get a time to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away,
A time to rend and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace,…
HE HAS MADE EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL IN ITS TIME”

My prayer changed thanks in part to the observations of one of the wisest men to ever live, Solomon.

“Lord help me to see You in this thick mist of everyday normalness. And when its too thick for me to see, help me to feel Your moving. Make it all beautiful in your time, just as You have with the seasons I never would have believed could be glorious. Make this level ground holy, purposeful and beautiful.”

Superman!

I am quite certain Cohen has never seen a Superman episode, but all I had to do was get a cape and the boy knew just what to do.

my kissable little hero

he runs!

(I mean, check out that cape)
I don’t know about tall buildings, but the boy can leap!

He wanted me to be Superman for awhile too… he yelled at me to “hurry up” running up and down the hallway. Then he fired me. Apparently I am not superhero material. I asked him if I could try again. “Nope. Sorry, Mommy” he said decisively.

C’est la vie.

He Gives and Takes Away

I made it to step aerobics class last night for the first time in a week and a half. Let me tell you, taking a week off of exercise shows… especially when you stop for the sake of sickness. I felt exhausted twenty minutes into the routine.

About the time I was considering how unrecovered my body was, I started to actually hear the music that was providing the beat for our foot work.

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be your name,
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away,
You give and take away,
My heart will choose to say,
Blessed be your name

Fitting. Very fitting.

Yesterday I bopped into work with food for the week and my computer in tow. I had no more laid down my bags than my supervisor said we needed to have a meeting with the VP of HR. All I had to do was look at her face and I knew what was coming.

I sat in the office for a few moments, knowing full well what was coming. The VP of HR didn’t beat around the bush, which I was very thankful for… she was very complimentary, which I also appreciated. It is nice to know that even though ultimately your position had to be eliminated, no one wanted you to go.

I left the office, feeling remarkably fine. I called my mom and left to go take care of some of the details about insurance and whatnot. I checked myself a few hours later… ?? yep, still fine.

You know the proof is in the pudding, folks. And getting the kind of news I got Tuesday morning in the face of lots of bills and monetary needs, for me to live out yesterday without a fear or a fret or a doubt in my heart is nothing short of a miracle.

Just before I fell asleep last night at 8:45, it occurred to me how interesting it was that I posted this on Sunday and then lost my job on Tuesday. The thought was with me a mere second and then I drifted peacefully off to sleep and slept like a baby. I woke up to the kisses of the most adorable two year old on the planet. And I even found myself humming this morning at the office. (Actually, I didn’t notice it, my coworker said “you are humming” as if it was the strangest thing she had ever heard.) And you know what I was humming?

Yep- you guessed it :“you give and take away..”

You know, I usually get more than one big thing falling in on me at once. A couple of years ago it was refinancing a house we could barely afford, Cohen being born too early, moving across the country with said tiny newborn, and separating from my husband… all within the span of a few months. This time around it is being a month from finishing a house assuming I have the money to do so, losing my job and insurance, entering into the season when you are most likely to need the insurance, and then a few other things which I will get around to explaining another time.

Two seasons of unexpected loss… and can I tell you something? This time is not comparable to the last time. Last time, I almost lost my faith… not my belief in God, but my faith… what’s the difference? Well, even the devil believes, right? But faith is believing God to the point of obedience. The last time the bottom fell out from underneath me, I could barely get out of bed. I was eaten up with guilt and fear and anxiety. Most days, I wanted to throw up my hands in anger or I wanted to throw my own pit party. And don’t think I am patting myself on the back now, either… because I know me. I know how my natural person, my flesh reacts…just read the above description.

Two years ago, I read the book of Job over and over because it was the only thing depressing enough in the Bible for me to connect with. I marveled at Job’s heart to not be angry with God. I marveled at his ability to make the statements Matt Redman’s song borrows from.

I never could have imagined echoing them.

Yesterday after I had taken care of paperwork and started to make preparations for medical needs etc, I went to the church. Someone else was reading, so I sat quietly and read. When she had left, I found the lights and turned them off and put in a couple of cds that move my heart. I had a yearning to just be with God. I tried to pray about my circumstances, but found that wasn’t really what I was yearning for… I just wanted to be with God. As the music played, I sang along to songs to the songs out loud in the sanctuary all by myself. I was there much longer than I realized because I just got caught up in the worship.

I say that because its the proof that God has done a work in me. GOD has done the work. I could barely get myself out of bed two years ago. And now in the face of a measure of uncertainty, I found myself, hands lifted thanking the Lord. Not in a rote, going through the motions kind of way, either. My heart was full and satisfied in ways that I have never experienced before in unsure circumstances. Those of you who know me, know what a miracle that is!

Today, I am thankful for the almost-eleven months I have had at Adriel. I am thankful for a supervisor, Debbie, who worked hard to help me get a schedule that didn’t deplete my time with Cohen. I am thankful for the many laughs and therapeutic vent sessions over lunch with my coworkers, Debbie and Hollie. I am thankful for all of the wonderful foster parents I was able to meet, listen to, and hopefully teach something.

You know, I wasn’t even looking for a job when I applied at Adriel. I saw the listing the newspaper and just thought ‘why not?’ At the time I had no idea it would become full time a few months later. I am so thankful for months of insurance I didn’t have to pay for and a steady paycheck I could count on.

I don’t know if I have ever said this before, but when they hired me, I was terrified. I used to get this absolute dread in the pit of my stomach right before I ran a road or cross country race. It was so strong a feeling at times I just wanted to quit before I even began! I had that same feeling the first foster parent class I taught. I am a good teacher, but I have always struggled with smaller groups. Put me up in front of 200 people and I am cool as cucumber. Give me a handful of people to teach and I am a nervous wreck. In college I led a girls Bible study and while I knew the material I prepared was good and I was able to build relationships, I often second guessed myself about how I balanced the hour or so a week we spent together actually having the study. This job was trial by fire as I taught several times a week to those kind of small numbers and had to learn how to balance questions and stay on target… this morning I am thankful for the invaluable experience I have gained here… and I am excited to see what God has planned to build on it.

I am thankful for the opportunity to tithe this coming Sunday on my last paycheck from Adriel. It hasn’t been hard for me to tithe since my job became full time and I knew I had it in the bank. I can’t say it required much faith. But this Sunday when I drop in that pink envelope, it will be a true exercise of my faith in God as a provider. I won’t be putting that envelope in with tears, but with expentant anticipation.

I am thankful for my church and my Pastor… how invaluable are the lessons I have learned by being apart of a body who obeys God and who gives! I am thankful to be pastored by a man who doesn’t flinch at the truth and who speaks it in love.

I feel thankful for so much right now, but most of all, I feel thankful for the healing touch of God to my heart which had been so beat up. I am thankful that rather than condemning me or being disappointed in me, that God pursued me to the point of transformation. I am thankful God has done a work in me I was completely powerless to do on my own. I am thankful for the gift of faith… the measure apportioned to me that I could believe the promises of God are true for me even now. And they are!

All things work together for good to those who love God… ALL. Go ahead and capitalize that in your heart…ALL means ALL. The thing I am finding is that sometimes we just don’t know what is good. From our perspective, it can be hard to tell.

I know times are hard for a lot of us now…especially when we start measuring ‘hard’ by the economy or our checkbook or the state of our home loan. But this morning I just wanted to remind you that God is not watching from a distance (sorry, bette) or broke or unconcerned. The lillies of the valley don’t dress themselves and neither do the birds worry about their next meal– and aren’t we more than that to God our father? And if we give good gifts to our children, how much more will God pour out His good in our lives?

I want to leave you with a passage from Psalms that’s running circles in my heart this morning,

“Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a level path
because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire
of my adversaries,
for false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had
believed I would see the goodness of
the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:12-14

Keep in mind, your adversary isn’t a person or a situation… its the Enemy who longs to rob us of our faith. So cling to your faith this morning and know that behind the curtain of what we see in our natural minds, God is at work.

Missing Church… not missing His Anxiety

… and boy, am I missing church… due to this nasty flu that seems to run its course and then come back for another round, we have not been to church in two weeks. In case anyone is counting, that’s two Sundays and one Wednesday evening. Can I just be real and admit that I am not the same without it? There have been seasons of my life when I went to church somewhat flippantly. You know, if I woke up, I woke up. If I didn’t, I didn’t. I suppose those were days when I felt much more self-sufficient than I now realize I am. I have come to really depend on those times of fellowship with other believers, taking in a solid meal of the Word, and worshipping corporately through song and through giving.

Did I mention I am missing church?

This morning I opened my email and facebook (yes, unbelievable, right?) and found lots of people want to know about my release from anxiety… and while I am thinking about how grateful I am for the body of believers God has grafted me into, I thought there was no better story to share with all of you this morning.

Now, no one has ever accused me of being relaxed. I am a first child and quite Type A in my most natural state. I like being busy.. the busier I am, often the more productive I am. Although I can’t say I remember it, I would stand to bet I dealt with some anxiety as a kiddo. My mom tells a story about the first time she took me to a water park. Apparently, I climbed all the way to the top of some giant tube slide and then decided I had no intention of going down it. Really that isn’t that big of a deal until you consider that even with a ton of other kids behind me, I stuck to my guns, making everyone else climb down too. Mom calls that ‘cautious’ but sometimes I wonder if an additional label might be ‘anxious’.

Still, I don’t really know if I was always anxious and just didn’t have a word for it or if I really began being anxious in college. You see, that was the first time I put that title on the racing emotion. As far back as I could remember, I have worked for deadlines. I was never the child who got the class syllabus and started working ahead. If you put me in the category of child who waited till the night before and stayed up well into the wee hours with my creative juices pumping, you guessed correctly. That was me. When I was in a freshmen in college, though, it all came to a head. Working for deadlines and lack of sleep had me waking in the morning unable to breathe with the feeling some big lug was standing on my chest. I remember waking one particular morning and falling on to the cold, tile floor, gasping for air. It was as if someone had accidently pressed the fast forward button on inside me and thrown the remote away. Instead of pushing myself to the limit, I felt like I was on an eternal treadmill, unable to slow things down, unable to get off, and most importantly, never able to get caught up.

It got to the point in college, where I considered medication. I didn’t end up choosing that route, but the thought was with me. My anxiety drove me to exercise profusely until my body was too exhausted to have the energy to worry. That of course, created its own issues.

Eventually, though, I got a handle on the feelings sans chemical supplements and my generalized anxiety died down, only to flare up once or twice a year.

Very manageable.

I haven’t made it a secret that the last season of my life has come with a fair amount of stress. Ironically, I had to teach a class in September on ‘Managing Stress’. Hypocrisy at its finest. While I hope that someone in the class learned some helpful techniques, all I learned was how incredibly stressed I have been. For instance, did you know that mixing up sentences is a sign of stress? So, for instance, if I said “park the garage in the car” instead of “park the car in the garage” that is actually a sign of distress? And here I thought I was just concerned about old age in my alzheimers!

(Go ahead- laugh. I know its Monday morning and this isn’t a funny topic, but go head… )

All kidding aside, this has been the most challenging season of my life to date. I have big decisions to make, lots to balance, and a little person who is depending on me to walk a Godly path he can someday follow.

I had been finding that the biggest obstacle in the way of everything I needed to do (think: pray, fast, worship, focus) was anxiety. I could hardly get my mind or body still enough to really listen for God’s voice; I could hardly pray without these worrisome thoughts making their way into my pleadings. I tried to listen at church, but struggled through every amazing sermon just to get my mind settled enough to take in the information. Everything felt like a fight. I was constantly facing down the worst case scenario, oscillating between really believing God and worrying that He had taken some vacation time and everything was on the verge of falling apart.

Sitting in church on a Sunday morning just a few weeks ago, Pastor finished up his sermon and gave a kind of an alter call (they are never the same from service to service). But this time he invited people to come to the alter. A group did. I clapped in unison with the believers around me, but a stirring feeling began to grasp my gut. It only took a minute to realize why. Pastor asked for anyone who wanted to receive special prayer to come forward. I had that feeling. You know the one I am talking about- when you know you need to step out of your seat, but your legs feel like jelly? I can remember a time in my life, when I was often the first person to move. If there was something at the alter from God, I wanted it. This time I was the last to leave my seat and I stood near the front of church, visibly shaking.

When Pastor got to me, he didn’t ask why I had come, although he did pray about the circumstances that had led me to there. Then he rounded a corner I hadn’t expected and began to pray against doubt and fear and fretting. Its not hard for me to believe that we generally don’t know the thoughts or intentions of our hearts, even when we think we do partly because I had no idea the real reason the Spirit had moved me to come to the alter. Tears flowed freely down my face as Pastor began to speak words of what will be over me.

I thought that was the end of it.

Then the following Wednesday night I attended Bible Study at the church. During a discussion on the Spirit and gifts and order, I raised my hand to ask a question of clarification. I can’t even recall what it was now, but Pastor asked me to elaborate and somewhere in the mix I mentioned in an example my struggle with anxiety. I am sure getting to that point was a round about thing, because just as no one has ever called me relaxed, no one has ever called me short winded either.

Pastor answered my questions and then immediately began to question me about the anxiety. It had really nothing to do with the subject matter of the evening, not that he seemed to care. He then announced to the whole church that he wanted to pray for me at the end of the class and he asked me if that would be okay.

Around 8:30, the evening was wrapping up and Pastor asked me to come forward. “Are you embarrassed?” he asked. I answered first and then realized I meant it. I wasn’t. Not a bit. If God cared enough to put my struggle on Pastor’s heart to the point of pray, then I wanted whatever He had for me.

Pastor invited anyone else fighting anxiety to come forward and it was quite a group, people grandparents age down to young children. Pastor prayed for us each and I had my eyes so tightly shut I only knew he had gotten to me because I could feel his hands on my shoulders. I wish I had a tape of all he prayed that evening because at the time I was feeling it as much as hearing it. There are a few things that stuck out in my memory… one was that he prayed two verses over me that my sister Beth had texted me that morning. The first comes from Psalms, where David prayed “Let God arise and His enemies be beaten” and the second is a Word have a heard also from three of the friends I specifically call to pray for me, “No weapon that is formed against you will prosper”.

Pastor emphasized that one, “Weapons have been formed and been flung your way, but not a one- not one!- of them will accomplish what it was sent out to do.” I opened my eyes as he broke from praying and said something directly to me, “God wants you to know He is a man of war.”

Now, how does that break a yoke of slavery to anxiousness?

Have you ever noticed that the the first of the fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians is peace? Now there is a lot of discussion about the gifts of the Spirit, but the fruit of the Spirit is a litmus test for all believers. If I am really God’s, then these are the attributes that should flow easily from my life. And on that list, the first one Paul thinks to mention is peace.

Peace is pretty much the opposite of anxiety right? So if I am a child of God’s, in communion with him, peace is the banner over my life. So, it stands to reason that the anxiety I have warred against, maybe not be my own. Following?

Pastor has shared with me multiple times that I don’t have to feel the Evil One’s feelings for him. We have even talked about this in regard to anxiety. As a believer, anxiety has no place in my life, but if the Enemy of my soul can get me to feel the dread he has about the future, he can easily render me useless… tired, irritable, worrisome, ringing my hands instead of praising God right into the center of my thoughts where He rightfully belongs.

We have had the conversation time and time again and I got it on an intellectual level and it made me sense to me… and yet… it hadn’t gotten down into my being. But as Pastor prayed Scriptures of security and freedom over me, it began to sink in.. and that picture of God the Warrior? It sealed the deal.

I didn’t feel any volt of electricity or fall shaking to the ground (we know the work of God just doesn’t take all of that), but some root of unbelief was dug out of me that Wednesday evening. The reality of God as my protector, my warrior, the lifter of my head, the one taking up my case came to full revelation in my heart.

There is something about believing God (and faith is a gift isn’t it? wouldn’t I love to muster it up on my own, but I just can’t) that makes setting aside all of those worst case scenarios as easy as breathing. I don’t wake up fretting over what may be or how I can set everything on the right path to the right end. I wake up knowing the Lord of Universe is also the Lord over me, His daughter and Cohen, His son.

Though I know I will be tempted to pick up and wear that dread again, I now have the faith to stare it in the face and refuse to put on what was once a familiar garment.

I lay my head down at night and sleep peacefully, assured that the same God who carved out the mountains and holds everything together for His own pleasure loves me and like any good Father, has gone ahead of me carving a path my feet can easily follow.

Slavery is not Somewhere Else

I wouldn’t consider my childhood as sheltered… not be a long shot… protected, yes, but sheltered, no. By the time I was 5, my parents had begun taking in teenage girls with a variety of issues from running away to prostitution to violent episodes. At a young age, I was aware that the world was largely not a safe place for children and that many children went without the kind of parenting I had come to rely on.

Still, in my early twenties when I heard about child soldiers, I was appalled. Thanks to movies like Blood Diamond and the work of grass roots organizations like Invisible Children, my eyes were opened. Probably, like lots of you, I participated in the Globate Night Commute. With a large group of my Seattle friends (props to Annie, Scott and Holly, Robyn, Matt, and others), I walked to the Green Lake area of Seattle and camped out for the night to step, in the tiniest way, the shoes of a Ugandan child soldier and to help make a national statement.

Even so, today as a sat in a meeting room at Dublin Methodist Hospital and absorbed a full seminar on the topic of human trafficking, it boggled my mind. Some 27 million people are enslaved across the world right now… that’s twice the number of all of the people enslaved throughout history. A large portion of the enslaved persons are women and girls and close to 20 million are used for work, the rest are victims of sexual exploitation.

How much money does this industry generate? Are you ready- its going to blow your mind. About 36 billion dollars every year.

That’s three times the annual revenue of all professional sports in the USA.

Dr. Jeff Barrows, who conducted the seminar I was able to attend today, put up this map.

Look at the areas where slaves originate from and where they end up. Think about it this way: slaves come from impoverished places and end up where the money is.

At least a hundred thousand international persons are trafficked into the USA for servitude and sex. The number goes up when we consider domestic sex trafficking.

Sex trafficking of minors here in the USA is defined as anytime a child under the age of 18 is involved in sexual activity for the exchange of something of value. So this definition involves exotic dancing, pornography, and prostitution for any person under the age of 18. For a person over the age of 18, sex trafficking is the same definition but in addition the person must be coerced, forced or tricked into the trade.

This is not a new phenomenon, but it is a growing one. Largely fueled by the pornographic industry, more and more at risk youth are being enslaved. And amazingly, little is being done about it. Only 39 beds are reserved in residential facilities to treat these youth… and that’s in the whole United States.

Many of these children are living on the streets, getting picked up and charged with crimes by a system that doesn’t understand the dynamics of the situation. Others end up in foster care or mental hospitals or residential facilities that are not trained to deal with the special circumstances.

Runaway teens trapped in a cycle of prostitution, children as young as 5 pimped out by their parents for money or food stamps or a new TV, girls who become the girlfriend of a whole gang in exchange for safety on the streets… its not as uncommon as we would all like to think.

I want to give you a few things to look at and consider… Dr. Jeff Barrows and his wife, Kathy, are opening a home called Grace Haven in rural Ohio within the next 9 months to help girls who have endured sex trafficking recover. It is a faith based organization that initially will hold up to 10 girls.

You can visit their website by clicking here and consider possibly partnering with them to begin to make a dent in this huge issue right here in our backyard. As you can imagine, giving these girls all the necessary care is not a minor expense.

I wanted to share with you a couple of other items that were shared with me…

This video is a trailer for a documentary being backed by George Clooney on the issue of Sex Trafficking. Its called “Playground” and there are showings of it across the USA… the viewings left are:
October 20 – Atlanta, GA
October 26- Washington, DC
November 5- Dallas, TX
November 10- Dayton, OH
November 12- St. Louis, MO
For more information on these showings, click here.
*I will warn you, this isn’t easy to watch*

A fellow blogger @ Now I am at Your Feet told me just today about a project her brother is involved with called “Sex + Money“. You can learn more about them by clicking on the link and by watching the trailer for their documentary here… to purchase their book, click here.

Um, this is my blog, right?

Reason #1 to not quit writing in your blog… you might just forget the password

I didn’t really think about taking a break from blogging… not really. I just one day posted about sweet potato fries and then I didn’t post again.

You know how time flies when you are a grown up.

So, quickly let me tell you that things are good here. In fact, despite some circumstances that might have taken me out a year ago, I am feeling stronger and more in tune with God daily. I cannot tell you how I am looking forward to adding a tab to the top of this blog called “Where I am Going”… it is going to be so envigorating to get to share all of that… its just not.time.yet.

But soon and very soon…

So here are the highlights, in case anyone has been wondering what has been up with Co and I:

-I have been enjoying getting more plugged in at my church. Somehow I got so in my head that I forgot to get to know all of the lovely ladies I have been seeing week in and week out for 2 years. It kind of got to the point where I felt like the person who has just known someone to long to ask for their name… you know? I know everyone knows my name and I know theirs, so how do you introduce yourself after that?!?!

Anyway, I sucked it up and I cannot tell you how glad I am. I going to a step aerobics class at the church a few times a week, joined a ladies Bible study that will soon be beginning and even managed to attend a night out with like 60 other women at the church. Yeah you read that right… 60. It was wild.

-I got true, God-healing relief from my anxiety. (Story to follow. I started writing it here and realized that it deserves its own blog)

-My house is within a month from being move-in ready, thank you Jesus! I am going to update with new photos here in a few days.. I have tons still on my camera. We ended up tearing out every single wall and redoing everything to code. So basically when this is all said and done my house will be brand new. Its funny how much the restoration of the house is mirroring the work God is doing in my heart/life/soul/spirit… (again, that’s another blog in the making) But suffice it to say, I have the colors all picked out, cabinets ready to go and appliances waiting to be delivered. The outside of the house will need to wait until spring since it looks like this Ohio winter is coming in like a lion… (someone needs to tell Ohio there is this season called ‘Autumn’ we seem to keep missing)

-In other house-related news, my brother Aaron and his wife Beck finally sold their Nashville digs and they just got word this week that their offer on an Ohio house was accepted! And guess what? That Ohio house happens to be less than 1/4 mile from my house! Growing up no one could’ve possibly told me how happy I would be to have my little brother living 6 or so houses down the road. Congrats, Aaron and Beck!

-Cohen is doing/saying/pretending so many new things I would have a hard time fitting it all into a million blogs. He is such a perfect redemptive gift in my life. His personality is like sunshine… he is gregarious, warm, pesronal, insightful, engaging, silly… sometimes when he wakes me up at 5a, I don’t even mind. He’s that spectacular.

He’s now looking at pictures of himself or pointing into the mirror and saying “my name Co Bean” which cracks me up to no end. I ask him “what’s your name?” as long as he will humor me. I am gonig to get it on video (because I know you all just can’t wait to hear it )

He’s also making really grown up statements now that come out of nowhere and totally catch me off guard… like, the other day I asked him to hand me my phone which he had nabbed off of the counter and he looked at me all seriously and said, “Mommy, phone heavy. I hold it for you”. Cohen is a total foodie, so he never wants to share anything he is eating. We all give him a hard time about this and always ask for bites of his food. The other day I asked him for a bite and he looked at me like he was thinking about it and then said, “Sorry, mommy”, kissed me on the forehead and walked away. Then a few days ago we stopped by the new house to check on something and Cohen went right in, grabbed a tape measure, handed me one end and walked to the opposite wall. When I asked him what he was doing, he said “I need measure”. He is always claiming things are “ruined” now too. Anytime he drops something or touches a sticky hand to something clean (which, as you might suspect, is often) he said, “ah, no. its ruined” of course it sounds more like “WOO-end” which makes it all the better.

Cohen is obessed with trains now. He sleeps with his “Little Engine that Could” book at night and insists on wearing his one shirt with a train on it every single day it is clean. Everything becomes a train… chairs lined up in the dining room, pillows stacked on the floor, people he can get to participate. One day I heard him yell his normal “all aboard!” from the living room and then I heard him fussing over seats and seat belts and tickets. When I stepped into the room, he was trying to get my brother and sister in law’s huge dogs to sit on particular pillows on the floor…. he’s not large, but he certainly is in charge

-My little brother Josh said perhaps the funniest thing the other night that he has ever said. He was reciting Bible verses and made this oopsie with John 3:16,

“for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in would not be amish, but have everlasting life.”

Nice, eh?

Well I will leave with you with that giggle.

Be blessed friends!

Taste Bud Tuesday: Sweet Potato Fries

As I have told you numerous times, my sweet little Cohen actually screams for fries every time we pass by the golden arches. Funny thing is, I rarely ever have taken him there. So I can thank Mom for that. In fact, the other day we went by Subway and he was very confused when his sandwich didn’t come with fries. “Fries?” he asked. “No baby, they don’t have fries here”- I seriously wish I had a picture of his confused/worried/concerned expression when he heard that news!

I know a lot of people don’t think they like sweet potatoes- because you haven’t tried them since someone tried to feed them to you with marshmallows- but its high time to give this wonderful veggie another chance. I figured adding a little parmesan to the equation might help you warm up to the idea!

Parmesan-Pepper Sweet Potato Fries (the ones Co loves MORE than McDonald’s- I swear)
Servings: 1
Calories: 249
Protein: 5 grams
Fiber: 7 grams

Ingredients:
1/2 lb sweet potatoes, cut into 1/4″ thick sticks
1 tbsp grated reduced fat Parmesan cheese
1/2 tsp extra virgin olive oil
1/8 tsp garlic powder
1/8 tsp paprika
pinch of cayenne pepper
salt, to taste
pinch of ground black pepper

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

In a medium bowl, toss the potato, cheese, olive oil, garlic powder, paprika, salt cayenne, and black pepper.

Place the potato sticks in a single layer on a medium non-stick baking sheet. Bake for 8 minutes. Flip the potatoes and bake another 10-12 minutes, until tender and browned in spots. Serve immediately.

Then and Now

I know these type of updates might not be as fun to anyone else, but….

Here was my living room:

Here is my living room now (yeah we opened that space 12 feet!):

Who knew taking out a wall and adding a bigger door could make such a huge difference!?!?! (and this is only one of the four walls we’ve taken down!)

For the love of Remodeling

Yesterday’s installment of Remodeling… (in photos, because its just more interesting that way)

For those of you who love houses and remodeling… I created a website for the rebirth of my new house. You see updated photos along the way by clicking here.

Drumroll…. our house gets a new front door (one that’s 3x the width of the last one!)

The front of my house a month ago… its like Where’s Waldo- can you find it?

Only one bush left to take out thanks to Aunt Mary and
cousin Travis- what a difference! And now to deal with that horrible teeny, tiny front door…

The hole has been cut… the headers have been secured and now for the door…

[Cohen watching the men work...he wanted to be RIGHT in there, let me tell you- someday, sweet boy, someday]

ta da! the door is in! (thanks, brother Ben and cousin AJ (who ladies, is very cute, talented, sweet, Godly and single!))

view of the new door from the living room…so much more light with that overhang gone and the door widened!

Co approves!