Right Between the Eyes

Sunday morning exploded onto the scene with a crispness of air that could’ve been mistaken for late fall and loads of sunshine. So, Cohen and I dressed accordingly. I was happy to find that he still can wear this white collared shirt with lime green, sherbert orange, and canary yellow pin stripes. Paired with his khaki dress pants and leather loafers, he was a walking billboard for spring. I chimed in with my own pale yellow shirt and bronzer on the cheekbones.

I love church, but some Sunday mornings I struggle to get myself up and going despite the fact that I am spoiled with a particularly wonderful church family and Pastor. But there was no struggle to be had with such a sunny day.

The sunshine had apparently flirted with the worship team that morning who led us into one upbeat praise song after another. Cohen was his usual squirmy self, so by the time he had gone out for nursery, I was ready to tune into the message.

Pastor read from Romans 8, citing the commonly known passage “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” and I felt myself start to drift. I hate to admit that, but sometimes when I am about to hear something I think I already know, my mind starts to wander from here to there. My eyes quickly revisited chapters 7 and 8 and I then I started reading this or that. But then the Spirit convicted me of my pride and told me to listen up. And you know what? It was a good thing to, because what Pastor had to say was about to smack me Right.Between.The.Eyes.

I listened with an affectionate chuckle as Pastor ‘told on himself’ by illustrating the war that rages inside of humanity with a cute story about his battle to never eat another Hostess sticky bun. But the minute he rounded the corner of cute benign stories and ran headlong into the real issues of condemnation, my chuckles were caught somewhere between my ribs and my throat. He listed a few of the most common issues believers spend time beating themselves up over… abortion, divorce, weight, etc.

I have a dear kindred friend who tried to get pregnant for years with no luck. Once we were on the phone about 3 years ago and she told me about a scene from a book she had read to illustrate her own sorrow. The heroine of the book, who was also unable to conceive, was found by her husband, weeping, with her head resting against the glass of a storefront selling children’s clothing. That mental picture was etched in my mind for the next year every time I spoke to her and my heart ached. My sweet friend had an abortion in college before she knew the Lord and I knew she was fighting an intense battle to not believe God was punishing her. She was fighting a battle against condemnation. And to her credit, she fought like a true child of God, and held on to her faith when there was little evidence that God would answer her heart’s cry. And I am happy to report that her beautiful son is only a few months younger than my little Co.

So my thoughts rested with my friend for awhile as Pastor dug back into Romans 7 as he built his case against condemnation.

Have you ever had a moment when a word is spoken and suddenly a whole large portion of an your experience suddenly becomes perfectly contained under that one word? Sometimes I think words fall very short of the meanings we ascribe to them, but then other times finding the right word somehow makes the loose ends fit together just right.

Condemnation… it pulled together a lot of loose ends for me on that sunny Sunday morning.

Pastor went over a set of truths that I’ve heard before but they felt fresh. Ideas about the law and how without the law there can be no sin. I teach the same principle to my foster parents- you can’t hold a child accountable for something you’ve never asked them to do or not do. The law came not to bring freedom, but to highlight sin… to set the standard. JESUS came to bring freedom…its really more than that, He became our freedom.

I nodded my head along with the body of believers sitting all around me. I even whispered an ‘amen’ in a few spots.

Then another corner was turned and it became very personal. Sometimes if I didn’t know better I would swear Pastor is reading my mail, you know? It was that personal. He said something along the lines of ‘if you are living with condemnation, you are living under the law. Condemnation isn’t for those who find themselves wrapped up in the Person of Christ.’

Well, apparently we are all getting the same mail, because there was a collective ‘ugh’ around the sanctuary. I thought about the inward battles and conversations I live with day in and day out. The critical words running through my mind about the ways I have changed in the last couple of years… less attractive, less dynamic, more reserved, sad, pitied… oh! and the list goes on. Suddenly, condemnation was not just a word in the Bible, it was a real word in my life.

Pastor went back to the cute story about his love of all things Hostess. He said the sugary snack had become sin to him because earlier he had declared to God, ‘I will never eat one of those unhealthy snacks again!’ So when he failed, he dealt with condemnation about his lack of self-control and sweet tooth. God hadn’t made a ‘no Hostess snack’ rule, Pastor Ricks had! And then he was living under the condemnation of his own trying instead of the freedom of trusting God.

I followed him until he got to that last point…. but aren’t we supposed to try? and set goals? and do good?

He answered the question almost as fast as I could think it…. We aren’t supposed to try by ourselves; we are to ask God for help and follow His play-by-play leading. Then when we fail, we go to Him and don’t waste all of that time hating on ourselves.

Hmmm…

I thought about all of the new years like resolutions I have made in recent months:
I am going to get up 2 hours early just to pray every single day.
I am going to run every morning and then go to the gym at least 6 days a week.
I am never going to watch TV.
I am going to write on my blog every day, even if its only a sentence.
I am never going to be mad again.
I am going to clean my house every single night and never leave a dish in the sink.
I am not going to procrastinate anymore.
I am not going to be irritable with Cohen anymore.
I am going to check the bank account every.single.day to try to combat my anxiety about bills.
I am only going to eat green veggies for a month…
or only fruits and veggies…
or only juice…
or…

You know how many of those things I have failed at? Um…all of them? How’s that for a batting average, friends? Not so hot. And you know what? I have been beating myself up about ….yep…all of them. All of those goals are ‘good’ and admirable. Definitely things to press on toward but not on my own strength.

So what are we to do? Pastor said it simply…’ask for God’s help. Tell him who you desire to be and the things you desire to let go of, but its just more honest to say ‘God if you don’t help me I am going to eat hostess honey buns every day’ than it is to declare until yourself a law about never eating a honey bun that will only condemn you’”

I’ve been a Believer for as long as I can remember, and a Christian since I was a small child. It definitely wasn’t the first time anyone had pointed out to me that I should rely on God rather than trying on my own. But you know what? Some lessons are meant to be repeated. My Mom has this idea to write a book about all of the truths you should never forget, but often do. I think this topic could be a central chapter in that book.

May we all learn together how to lean on God rather than making plans to ‘fix’ ourselves.