I Want to be Green (just not with envy)

I am a family girl…a “home body” as my mom would call it. Most days I’d rather be chilling with the fam than doing something outrageously awesome and new (cause, as you might imagine those are my options *grin*). Come to think of it, outside the circle of my family I have only a few close friends.

On account of an email the other day, I’ve had the opportunity to do some thankful reflections. You know, I think that’s one of the strengths of David- he did a lot of reflecting. Sometimes the reflecting appears to be sulking because of his troubles, but more often than not the man who was known for being after the heart of God, wound up at a place of praising God for all that he had been brought through.

2007 was a year of extremes for me. On the one hand, the most wonderful thing to take place in my life to date (minus Jesus, which I assume is a given), happened- Cohen Reid was born into the world, all 4lbs of him. On the other hand, my marriage was torn apart by a lie uncovered, we refinanced our house out of necessity (increasing our payment to the point that it literally hurt), I moved with a tiny infant and the weight of the world on my heart… a host of other smaller yet very difficult decisions and struggles and burdens followed. If I were to put all of them into some giant grocery scales, the good would far outweigh the hurt thanks to Cohen. But I’d be a liar to say its a year I’d happily relive.

I left Seattle in late August and the first Saturday in October, my brother Aaron married his beautiful bride Becky. Not six months after that my little sister Beth married the love of her life, Shane. I did my best to make light of the timing of it all… I said, ‘hey if this were a film we could call it Two Weddings and a Separation- wait…isn’t there a Hugh Grant movie with a similar title Two Weddings and a Funeral? Close enough.” Everyone smiled and made efforts to allow me some room to cope, inappropriate as those statements might’ve been.

Emotions are as complex as they are deceptive. I could feel as happy for my siblings as I knew how and still find that hidden underneath was a complex web of pride, anger, hurt…and the kicker- JEALOUSY. I struggled to find a way to just purely experience happiness for others, but found myself envious of the tender touches and inside jokes spoken without a word. I’d try not to think too hard about what they had that I didn’t, but would at times find myself obsessing over it.

The email came from a new found friend whose story mirrors my own with a shocking resemblance. Thanks to the world wide web, we found each other and within one phone call, I knew maybe God had more to do with the connection than current technology. I listened to her story, spoke out the nuances that reminded me of the journey I’ve been on, and found a sister in Christ the Lord sent my way to lift up.

She sent me an email to ask me if the jealousy ever ends. Her honesty struck a chord in my heart, as I thought of wedding days and Thanksgivings and birthdays that had passed in the last two years with a notable about of conflicted emotions inside of me. As I read her words over and over, I heard in them my own heart cries, my own fears that the dark cloud would never pass, that the joy of the Lord might somehow be forever just beyond my grasp. I could’ve penned that email a year ago, had I had someone to send it to that I thought my understand.

There is something powerful about remembering the battles the Lord has already won on your behalf. I wrote back and encouraged her that the day will also come for her when she can look back on jealousies conquered and praise God for His mercies that truly are new with every sunrise.

My heart has been resounding with thankfulness the past few days as I have watched Aaron and Beck and Shane and Beth and my mom and dad whisper and snuggle and share intimate conversations and glances. I praise God for the work He has accomplished in my heart of digging out the seed of bitterness that had begun to take root and was watered and nurtured not by the sin against me but my own sense of entitlement. I thank God that He does, as Paul so eloquently state in the letter to the Philippians, finish the work He begins in us, carrying it on until its complete (which means, of course, we’re all a work in progress as long as we’re progressing- am I right?). I thank God for supernaturally transforming our wounds into the well-spring of His life. I thank God for His long-suffering and His patient goodness with a stubborn, prideful, ‘how could this happen to me?’ soul like mine.

I want to tell you what God is like when everyone you love has what you want… God is honest but gentle. He uncovers that truth about bitterness and envy and jealousy- that they are a noose around the heart, choking out His Spirit. God is patient not pushy, which is good beyond measure because most of us (include me) want to go on for awhile exclaiming how we don’t deserve this or do deserve that. God is merciful with our jealousy, though we malign our brothers all the while conveniently forgetting how our sin put His only son on the cross to die the most undeserved death on record. God continues to speak, mostly by bringing us around and around again to situations where the offense or the hurt is center stage. At first, this makes us mad but if we pay close attention we see that He’s not letting us escape the pain until we’ve submitted it to His Will. We’re not all that unlike the Israelites to whom the prophet Haggai said by the word of the Lord, “Consider your ways! You worked and yet little came of it… you had all of this trouble and yet you didn’t turn to me…” (Kate’s Paraphrase/Check out Haggai chapter 2)

God isn’t unaware of how we work… if He allowed an offense to go on without being refined, it would have no other end but to snuff out His Presence in us. And He knows if we are permitted to keep the attitude of ungratefulness because its easy and the situation is isolated and doesn’t come back around, we never will undergo that process of being refined… we only choose the to step into the fire we were are desperate for change… and what makes us desperate? Dealing with the same thing again and again until we either face it and allow God to transform us or we become a recluse or worse.

And that’s what God is like. He’s like the parent who refuses to let her child become a brat because she knows selfishness will undermine every relationship/friendship/job and so she disciplines the child until the child submits to an outside will, namely her own. For his children, jealousy is not acceptable. It feels good in the moment, but the after taste will have you raking the residue off of your tongue with great vigor.

There are two ends for man… one is death and one is life. And there is one path to life… its the narrow path of obedience and total surrender.

The good news I have to report is that jealousy, once given to God… and I’m not talking about cleaned up, polished, varnished jealous re-named in some nice Christian terms… I am talking about getting real with God and vomiting our sickness right out in front of him… that jealousy God has a way of dismantling so that we can see the division between our sinful, prideful, sense of entitlement and the real, Godly desires He has lovingly and purposefully put into the heart of His image-bearers.

Where jealousy had once tried to take over my soul there is now a soft awareness of my own longings for the good God has promised me as His daughter. The truth is not mixed with fickle emotion. The offense no longer has its power over me. I am not rushing around , trying to set good up for me… I really believe God when He speaks tenderly to me about what lies ahead.

And not one iota of any of this is to my credit.

So on this hot day in Cedar Hill, TX as I type of the front porch of the closed White Rhino I want to proclaim the goodness of the Lord and His unfailing love and I want to encourage those of you who are wrestling with all that you desire but do not have… surrender your humanness to the Lord and watch Him transform the ugly recesses of your heart into a dwelling fit for a King.

Blessings, friends