Yesterday morning before I was reading the end of 1 Kings and the opening of the second installment. I hadn’t gotten too far into 2 Kings before Cohen needed to be dressed so that we’d not be late to pick up my friend from fourth grade, Amanda (another story for another day).
So when we got to church and the visiting Pastor asked us to open to 2 Kings 4, I had to smile. My sister, Beth, has this thing about her birthdate. Once she asked God to give her a sign that He was thinking about her and after that she began to see 9.22 everywhere: dressing room doors, clocks, passing buses, characters in books and movies born on that day, etc. Shane even wait to propose at exactly 9:22 
Though I never asked God for this, I have begun to notice that 9 times out of 10 when I get to church or Bible Study the person is teaching out of or referencing the very passage I have most recently read. I’d like to think the Lord leads me just that way because He knows my wandering mind and how I’d be leafing through to get the whole context if it wasn’t fresh in my mind. I’d like to think He gives me a leg up on being able to concentrate on the Word that is shared. I’d like to think He just gets me like that.
So I smiled at Pastor Galbrath as he read about the generous giver; the Shunammite woman.
On April 1 my divorce was final, just 6 days short of one year after it began. I went to court that afternoon not really knowing whether or not things would be finishing, since we’d been once a month since the beginning of the year with seemingly little accomplished.
I didn’t know what I’d feel. I assumed it would be a mixture of sadness and relief that the processed had closed. And I guess I did feel those things amid the myriad of other emotions. When I got home Mom asked if it was “surreal and anti-climactic?” She’d hit the nail on the head.
Surreal and anti-climactic.
After all two and a half years is a long time to be living in limbo…. separation is this strange and horrible crossroad between married and divorced. For a long time I couldn’t wait just to be traveling down one road or the other. I just didn’t want to have to stay put; to be caught; to wait. But then, if you want to survive it, you have to do more than pant like a dog held back on a leash. So, you set up camp. And after awhile, you aren’t in such a hurry to get going. The surroundings have gotten familiar.
So to be down the road, journeying again…. well, its a trip.
I found last week that I had not been sleeping as soundly as before. I found that I was tired when I woke. I found that something was amiss. So I wrestled with it. I got a million suggestions from sweet friends- everything from allergies to sugar problems to seasonal changes.
Then I asked Jesus.
He pointed me to the context; to the timeline. He knows me like that.
Then He asked me to take a reprieve from my journey down the divorce road and veer off the beaten path with Him.
I didn’t have to ask where we would be going. I’d like to think I know Him like that.
The Shunammite woman built a room for the prophet Elisha so this man of God would be comfortable on his travels. This so blessed the heart of the prophet that he asked this woman if there was anything he could do for her. Could he speak to the king for her on any matter? Could he put in a good word for her with the captain of the army? Anything?
She responded that she was content and in need of nothing. “I dwell among my own people,” she humbled responded, indicating she was already well cared for.
…But it was on Elisha’s heart to bless her. So when she’d gone, Elisha asked his servant Gehazi, “what then is to be done for this woman?” Gehazi didn’t have to think for a moment- he knew what the humble woman did not have. She did not have a child. He told this to the prophet, who called the woman and told her that in a years time she’d be holding a son. Her heart was so touched- the desire so strong that she literally begged Elisha to not lie to her; to not get her hopes up.
Contentment has not been easy for me to come by. Wired to be a dreamer and a visionary, I have to work at living in the here and now. I have to work to enjoy what God has put before me in the present so I don’t get caught up in the possibilities of what is next.
The gift of thankfulness in this season has been especially sweet because for most of my life it has been so hard to attain, such a fight. Waking up with contentedness has brought new life to me. I see my little house and Cohen and I living in it and I can hardly imagine needing any other thing. I am well cared for. I am need of nothing more.
I dwell among my own people.
The Pastor yesterday had so many good points to his sermon, he drew things out of the passage that I had never seen before. When he unveiled point number #5 You have an someone advocating for your needs, I was breathless. Warm tears sprung from the corners of my eyes and just hovered there. I was a deer caught in the headlights.
There are just some things in the heart we’d dare not speak out loud. But we have a better advocate than Gehazi…one who can send beyond the obvious into the deepest recesses of our being…
The wilderness feels like a strange place to take someone by the hand. The wilderness? Really?
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.
There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.And it will be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband] and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal or master].
For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriusly remembered by their name.
And in that day I will make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.
And I will betroth you to Me forever, yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy. I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord.
“Will you veer off the beaten path with me?” His hand reached toward toward me. “Will you give me forty days to woo you in the wilderness, my anxious little dreamer?”
Looking into the eyes of my Beloved Advocator, I began to hum this chorus…
You’ve brought me to the wilderness, where I will learn to sing
And You let me know my barrenness, so I will learn to lean
Yes, You’ve brought me to the wilderness, where I will learn to sing
And You let me know my barrenness so I will learn to lean
Beautiful Mercy, do what You have to do
Jealous Lover, do what You have to do
You know the best way
Beautiful Mercy, do what You have to do
Jealous Lover, do you what You have to do
I won’t waste my breath asking Him not to get my hopes up because He is not a man that He should ever lie. I know He knows the best way to give me what I desire, since He is the one who puts desire in this heart of mine. I know he gets me.
“And it shall be that before they call I will answer; and while they are yet speaking I will hear.” Isaiah 65:24
Beautifully written. Praying for you and Co. And, glad you are back to blogging more consistently, I love reading your thoughts and what you are learning! Thanks for being open to sharing.
I am not judging. We all sin and God readily forgives us. I follow your bolg and yes.., I was dissapointed that your marriage did not work despite both of you being christians.
When your story came out on your blog and the issues you were having, I had just met my now husband. He was not Saved, had never read the bible, was not religious, and was just brought up that way growing up in New york. Did not even know there was a God, he thought it was like Santa.
I on the other hand grew up in a born again family and did the whole sunday school, youth group, batisim class etc.. In addition I grew up in Kenya where christianity is the focal point of every community and even the government. Heck…, even our in our education it was mandatory to have christian religious studies until the end of high school . ( of course they had Islam classes and Hindu classes to accomodate and respect everyone ) So I knew the bible inside out mostly as a way to pass my exams when in school and to answer questions in Sunday school.
I thought I had a realationship with God until I went to college and all of that was water under the bridge since I readily took to partying, drinking, reckless behaviour and promiscuity. I seriously thought that because my parents were born again, i was safe, I would also make it to heaven. I never realized the whole time that salvation was a personal thing between God and I ..,
One thing I was made to remember constantly was that I should never marry a man who is not born again/saved with emphasis on that verse from Corinthians about not being equally yoked. I did hold on to that and for a while turned down good guys based on their salvation status.
After witnessing my aunty get beaten and cheated on and abused by her husband who served in the church and who carried a bible all the time, was in bible study…, I began to question that theory of being equally yoked. Also, my cousin from another aunty met the love of her life and her mother told her to drop the relationship and she would never bless it becuase the guy was not born agian or saved. The guy was so nice and treated her well, his character was just desirable…, but she broke up with him even though she loved him…just to please her mother. She’s 33 and her parent’s are anxious for her to marry, since in Kenyan culture her age makes it harder to find a guy…(being an old maid makes men think that one can’t have kids ) , but when she had a chance they ruined it in the name of religion….. I just don’t get it…
When I was dating my husband.( I now live and work in Boston ).., his character spoke volumes. He did things the way Jesus taught us to do, and yet he did not know anything about Jesus. It was a moment of truth for me…, and I married him even thoug he was not saved and I have a most beautiful marriage..with a guy that I thank God daily for blessing me with. I believe God handpicked him for me and answered my prayer of long ago when I was little. I asked God to handpick my husband.
Your story made me Marry my husband and believe what was in my heart and not religion about marrying only someone who is saved. Yes, I was dissapointed about you guys because part of me still held on to the idea that we both had be saved and even though I was not really strong in my faith ( had backslid) I knew I wanted to get right with God and raise my kids to know God and salvation. I shared this with my then fiance and he supported me in all my decisions about my future plans of going back to Salvation at some point. After seeing two christians, ( esp your ex being a christian musician and in the spotlight fail ) I had issues with a lot of things in christianity and the equally yoked stuff.
Ironically, My husband’s character turned me back to God. I used to tell him that he puts a lot of christians to shame because he is not saved yet his character follow’s after God’s word. And that’s how we both started to read the bible together( at first out of curiosity for him and to seww what all the controversies were all about ) and in the process began to understand and know God. My husband is amazed about how right and true the bible is and say’s he doesn’t get why the government threw the bible out of school since their very laws are based on the ten commandments and the proverbs are key in anyone’s life.
Watching my husband grow in his faith ( He got saved after reading the bible and seeing for himself what the real truth is) has also challeged me to get to know Jesus more and know God as opposed to religion. It’s been great.
Woudl you advise someone to marry only a saved christian if they are saved themselves or tell them to go with their heart…??
Another question. Why do chrsitian musicians call their music contemporary christian music? Is it a way to make more sales by making it sound like secular music?
Right now my husband and I are not attending a “church” as in going to a building because the last time we did go, the pastor at the end of the service told us that they had a 15,000 monthly morgate , and wanted us to give our life savings. It did not make sense to have an expensive building that remains empty all week, when the homeless sleep in the cold and this is a so called church…
I think Jesus said that where two or three are gathered he is there also. But other christians judge you because you are not attending a church building…, but if one is going only for appearance and fulfil a ritual then it is all foolishness.
I rambled on and on but your experience made me question a lot of things and in a way it was a blessing because it led me to seek truth on my own and not look at others. And only Jesus/God are right on everything.
I sympathize with your situation but like you said, Our God is greater than everything.
Kate,
Your blog is my favorite blog
Really. Whenever I see a new entry I get happy.
I love reading your posts, I love your heart and honesty and authenticity and the way you seek God’s heart.
I don’t what to to say about what you’re been through, and I think that’s okay.
, NOT a writer) I like reading more 
I admire how YOU write about it and have been praying for you the last couple of years and will continue to do so.
(I used to have a blog, remember… where you were the only consistent commenter, haha. I’ve deleted the blog because I’ve discovered that I am, unlike you
Very happy to read that you’re content. Truly one of the (most) important things in life.
And like I said in another comment: Beautiful Mercy is on constant repeat here. We should write Laura Hackett to let her know how much we adore her music
Oh my, that’s such a ‘smiley’ comment… haha
Religion is a form of cult. You write about how Christ like you are but yet you got divorced. And now you write about how you have found God. etc etc blah blah…, Your ex sings about God and yet you couldn’t make a marriage work. You are a pretender and fake and worse than a murderer. Bunch of pretenders…, that’s what you really are. Got what you deserved haha.
really being a pretender and a fake is worse than being a murderer…why dont you take a chill pill Lee and remember that we are all human beings…
I agree with the comment from Wangui on some things about the so called church and fake religion. Convince me why I need the so called salvation if you couldn’t make a marriage work. Doesn’t your Bible talk about marriage?? I think it does… but I guess you were just pretending as usual…, and so was your ex. again…you deserved what you got..!!!
Kate I so wish I could protect you from seeing those comments…
Don’t let any doubt or shame creep into your heart, please! Praying for you.
Amen, Anna.
That’s what makes Christianity different then all other religions in the world. We actually admit that we are helpless in our depravity and sin. We admit that and rejoice because the price has been paid for us, and we try to live a life of love and gratitude to Christ the best we can.
All other religions and/or cults will have you try your whole life to “earn” your way to heaven with your good deeds outweighing your bad deeds. We do not claim to be perfect, sinless, or even good. If we were, then our Lord would not have to die like He did. Sadly, it’s often people who’ve never read the Bible or actually listened to the lyrics in Christian music that get the wrong idea about Christians. We never claim to be good people, but people striving (and sometimes failing) to obey a God we love. We’re sinners yes, but we’re saved through grace!
Doubt and shame is what she should be feeling. And her ex should just sing about sex, drugs and money instead of using God’s name. Kate is a failure, deserved what she got. Holier than thou attitude, fake , pretender, failure. Wonder what else you are upto.., go drink a beer and have cheap sex because that’s what you really are. I’m sure you blame your ex because you are too good to do anywrong. Shame, shame shame. haha
there you go again…, christianity is a cult. A country club of sorts at best for just the likes of you. I guess, right now you are hating me, and what makes you think I’d read the bible ..oh wait…’the people who don’t” …, so that we can be as confused as you are. The catholics sodomise little boys in the name of christianity.., and your denomination whatever it is is a money making machine better than wall street. No thanks…
Go ahead and hate me…, since you missed the part about loving …everyone including your enemies….
Please strive better, at least live by what you belief and not jump into a marriage just because you want to have sex…., you might as welll just do it before marriage if that was the only reason….
Wow..!! I just came back to see if Kate had answered my questions but gee…, I did not mean to start a war. I was just sharing my story/experience. Some things are hard to understand when it comes to faith and God and I am still learning. It’s not easy.
Lee, I’m sorry that you feel that way.:(
Wow! Hadn’t checked this today and its heated up quite a bit.
Wangui, I am going to send you an email since your response was long and personal. I think it will be easiest to address that way.
Lee, I already send you an email. I would prefer to engage this matter via email.
As always, I don’t edit or remove comments accept for profanity. Please keep that in mind.
To those who are concerned, don’t worry. I am fine. There’s great comfort in being led by Jesus and knowing that He is the Defender of His bride. There are things I cannot and will not discuss in any public forum because I have my son’s best interest in mind. I realize that choosing him over my need to explain, will leave some people with questions and may even hurt some. Though that is not my intent, I do know that’s a reality.
For those who want to contact me personally, you can do so on the contact portion of this page and an email will be sent to me.
I do want to reiterate that the WORD OF GOD is the authority on all matters. Period. It may not be popular, but its also not my opinion, its the Truth. I make no excuses for what I believe and Whom I believe in. I know the depth of how much I need Jesus every single day and I know that my life has been cleansed through an immeasurable sacrifice- Grace is freely given, but I have been bought with a price.
Those who disagree are welcome to post here. The only thing I ask is for the language of disagreement to be non-offensive.
Lee,
As a human being, whether a christian or not, it breaks my heart that you would resort to mocking and laughing at someone in their pain, in their trials, and in their days of sorrow.
I don’t know Kate personally, but in the time that I have read her blog, I have NEVER seen her speak judgementally, harshly, or act in a holier-than-thou attitude. You have no right whatsoever to judge her in this way, particularly without any actual knowledge of details in these situations which you are condemning. And if you DO know her personally, then you must know that commenting on a public blog is not the appropriate way to discuss this with her.
The only true question here is, who hurt you Lee?
Why are you so angry that you would attack like this? Please let me know, so that we can reach a place of integrity, and honest dialogue, and address the issues that are truly at hand here. I’m sorry that you are in pain, please feel free to contact me at: adreamerstale(at)gmail.com if there is anything I can do to help.
Hi Kate,
First off, I love reading your blog. The way you word things is wonderful, and I love the way you think. I found your blog via your sister…I’m a big fan of hers, and a long time ago, she linked to your site.
Secondly, I know that you know better than to take the above comments to heart. Indeed God is our defender. If He is for us, who can be against us?
I went through a divorce 2 years ago, and struggled with guilt and confusion for a long time. But I see His grace woven throughout my life. He has made it known that I am His. Have you read The Shack? That book spoke to my heart so much during that time.
Thanks for posting the details of your life and making yourself vulnerable. I really enjoy reading your posts.
In Christ,
Gina
Lee’s comments make about as much sense as his punctuation.
I’ve read Kate’s blog sporadically over the last year or so. From what I’ve read, I don’t believe the same things she does about God or religion, but I’ve consistently found her writing to be permeated with honesty and humility, and that is refreshing.
Keep your head up Kate. It seems you truly did all you could to make things work. You did your best, and I believe that’s the most anyone – including God – can ask from you. Now go hug that cute little boy of yours and smile when you remember how out of the pain came something beautiful and priceless.
Kate,
Thanks. Thank you for your honesty and transparency…it really ministered to me. I’m going through a “wilderness” right now (but I’m learning to sing in it and lean on HIM), and lately your blog posts have really been an encouragement. Don’t stop!
And as for some of the above comments, isn’t one great thing about the Lord is that we don’t have to defend Him, our faith/convictions, or our solidarity in knowing our identity/security in HIM!? We know who we are in Christ and more importantly Christ knows who we are and He loves us just the same. Christ and his love speaks for itself whether through His word or through His messengers (that’s us!)…and at times it will make those uncomfortable and the Holy Spirit begins to convict because HIS word is living and active! Praise God!
So be encouraged, and keep writing as the Lord leads you…it is not being done in vain.
-Christianna
Beauty from ashes, friend. Keep your eyes out for it:)
Strange I’m not at all surprised by your news in this tho dissapointed -not with you but basically In another marriage lost. It’s never good to have divorce.
Judgement on this by outsiders who don’t know you, yet have to condemn you (really Christ-like guys) is just wrong.
Anyway… Without going into blaming and speculation… I can’t see you making an unbiblical choice. So consider me still a reader (and blogger/Christian/sister). Glad you are at a place where are strong enough to admit something like this, knowing you would cop a lot of flak, yet you know God is your ultimate judge in this…. Not us. God bless!
Marriage is difficult. It becomes astronomically harder for Christians in the limelight. People inside and outside of the faith want, actively want, to see those marriages go down. When visible Christians have the nerve to appear human and less than perfect, people can’t wait to say, they are fakes. Nothing could be further from the truth. God bless you as you work through a really difficult situation with as much grace as you can muster.
Wow.
Where do I begin? I just saw Shawn McDonald the other night, and I’m not so sure why, but I noticed that he didn’t have a wedding ring on. But six months ago when I has seen him, he did. This got me started on a search.
On wikipedia, I found that Kate and Shawn (I still remember the announcement on his messageboards years ago, saying he was getting married, and to “katiefrog” who was part of the boards as well) were divorced, and I clicked on the link, and it brought me here.
And thus began hours and hours of reading your blog, and remembering the joy I felt when I found out about the wedding, as if you were close friends of mine. I remember reading through it once before, a few years ago, after reading your sister, Bethany’s blog (is the first name basis too informal??) She mentioned something about Damien Rice and your wedding and somehow I ended up here, reading some blog about swiffer. And I remember that i was going to see Shawn one day, but he was on a plane to Seattle because his son was just born. Well, all this needless reminiscing to say that, just as I was overjoyed about the marriage, I was crushed to hear about the divorce.
And you said it, in the “where I’ve been” section, about having an image to keep because you are married to a Christian musician, in the limelight. I had hopes. Or, at the very least, never any doubts, that one of my favorite singers would remain married. So it came as a shock the other day to find that yes, divorce happens, even from people you least expect.
I don’t know why it happened to hurt so much. Maybe it’s the timing, that I am witnessing my brother go through a divorce, and after only a few years. And he has a daughter. And I see the pain of being separated and my niece getting to see only one parent at a time, probably not understanding yet why her parents aren’t together. So, reading about another divorce, with someone I admire so much, it’s almost no doubt why I was in such shock.
I won’t lie. I wonder if there is hope in marriage at all, seeing so many broken ones all around me, and seeing divorce not discriminate. But I see that the marriage was rough even in the beginning. So part of me is wondering why stay on board that long? Of course, that poses the question of why end it after staying on board so long? What happened?
Of course, these aren’t very easy questions to answer and I can’t imagine going through all that myself… stay strong, Kate.
Keep the faith. =)
[...] how in the world I would get my house livable for Cohen and I. The Lord asked me to give Him a season of my time. I had no idea all that He was working out for me! Sometimes I feel like Job- getting back multiple [...]
Dear Kate,
I was sobbing in tears at the time I stumbled on this blog.
I was weak and weary in my journey.
I’m so sorry for all you have been through… But I thank you for your transparency. Your honesty and perspective God has blessed your tender heart with…. Helped my tears cease and my heart Listen!
~ Bless You & Yours
~ in HIM
~Gidget
Hi,
It wasn’t that long ago when I read about your divorce with Shawn. The timing of stumbling across such information couldn’t of been worse for me–I was dealing with the battle of considering divorce in what was my new 3 month long marriage. It was there I read about a brother in Christ and musical inspiration who had already scratched what I had barely felt itching. It wasn’t encouraging but I didn’t expect it to be. I was hurt for Christ, and then you two.
When I came to Christ, I came on my knees with no desire to keep living. All the shame and guilt from my wicked ways had me thru the bottom of the barrel, so when I read of the divorce I thought of the same Grace that was shown to me being shown to you and Shawn. Mind you that I came to Christ through a vision in my room. I was never, and I mean ever, considering Christianity as the solution to my life’s problems. In all reality all those that called themselves Christian were really what I know now as Pharisees (for Lee, Cult like followers) at heart (loving their sin…as Lee says “drinking beer and having cheap sex” everyday but on the other hand acting like Jesus is cool with it), its those like you and many others I know that identify their shortcomings and “know” Christ is not cool with it, actually hates it, but yet you know He’s on the Cross asking you to stop and change with His strength that’s been provided. I’ve never seen a husband or wife enjoy throwing their marriage away like Lee makes it out to be. This ain’t a let me smoke a joint, drink some beers at the bar, and get laid moment…this is never done in agony and strife.
I see now that marriage is beyond the stretch of being like Jesus, as the word says in 1 Corinthians 7:28 “But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” So when one fails, I don’t act like that it was because they don’t know God, rather, they gave up trying to figure out how to trust and grow in that area because they like Thomas doubted that Christ had risen in that moment and time for them in that area of their lives.
As for me, I Grew up an only child in the midst of a father and mother whom divorced when I was about 7 and each had parents that divorced when they were a bit older than I– this caused me to become weary of my chances of success. Having a father that beat me and my mother with wrenching rage one moment and then showering us with kisses and apologies the next only left me dealing with who I don’t want to be and whom I do want to be in Christ today. Regarding Christ, I’m unworthy of His love, which abounds like nothing else but it in itself, because His love can not be compared to anything else to me. This I know but I forget, and quickly become overwhelmed with worry and fear of how my marriage will hold up. I watch my Faith in Christ sink like Peter amid the storm. My wife and I are at the 6 month of our marriage and we have yet again considered divorce. This time the forms have been printed and filled out. I was searing my conscience during the process of finding the proper forms amongst the ads to “help” make the process faster and cheaper. I honestly felt like questioning my salvation at the moment. I can see why guys like lee make comments like he did. When I saw his comment I gasped. I started thinking about my mother and father that don’t know Christ and have me as one of their only close examples for representing Him. I started thinking about the other non-Christians that know of my marriage and see it as a prime example of how Jesus Christ loves His church…knowing that’s what “I” told them it represents.
I guess the big part I’m leaving out is why we’re considering divorce in such a short period of time. How could 2 “so called” devote Christians consider such a thing ( I’m 30 and she’s 27). Lee used the term “murderer” to phrase a similar point, I will humor him and say that the Grace God represents on the Cross makes Hitlers scandal among Gods own “Jews” seem like a grain of sand on the beaches of all of man kinds sins. Knowing this I rest in my own reality that I would be forgiven by God, but the consequence and shame I would feel on earth with the battle within my own self and from others similar to the likes off lee would be inevitable. The challenge in marriage is both of us have to arrive to a desire to follow Christ for the “marriage” to work. I mean, I could love her like Christ loves the church but that isn’t going to guarantee the church loving me back. I think this is the toughest dichotomy I am coming to grasp. I’ve been recently reading the “Sacred Marriage” and the whole book is about helping me grasp the fact of applying what I know of Jesus’ love for me to my marriage and loving her in it–regardless!!!!!!!. Simple and Plainly taken, but in all truth to me It’s like Shawn telling your little boy Cohen, “Hey son, come on over here and let me teach you one of my songs,” and expecting Cohen who probably can’t even let alone hold that guitar be expected to play the song. That to me is what my marriage “feels” like. I’m Cohen and Christ hands me my wife and says love her. One other part I’m leaving out is that our marriage started out on a very bad foot. Longer story shorter, She hurt me during dating with severity, I forgave her. We soon after got married…way to fast, she had no to time to heal for what she admitted to me, then I lost my job and the rest snowballed and has brought me here typing this message a almost 1am.
How? How on earth am I letting this happen?????? I don’t know how you and Shawn handled it and what exactly were the issues between you, but as for me I’m overwhelmed. I see nothing but God’s mercy in trying to salvage this marriage. I mean I love my wife but I say stupid things sometimes and she finds it hard to forgive me. She and I both had our share of a “Cult” like church, its actually where we met. I mean we’re both know we’re saved by Grace and only Grace but the depths of that Grace can’t seem to grasped and transferred within our marriage. I honestly hate it when she is non-responsive to me as I’m sure she hates me probing her with questions during and argument. I so darn messed up as a person I honestly believe that only Christ could handle such a case. What hurts me the most is seeing my own pride making my wife miserable. Don’t get me wrong she makes me miserable with her pride as well, but I can only control me. The Bible, Christ, all them books I’m reading…point to me. so why can’t I just vomit up my pride and never go back to it again?????? why is it that I rather want my own peace over doing what ever it takes to serve Christ???? Again, I’m stuck and boggled with this. Pray for us ( L & B in Long Beach CA) Lord have mercy.