Taste Bud Tuesday

Too many people are apprehensive of eating fish… the right recipe can make all of the difference! I made this dish a couple o nights ago and even the traditionally non-fish eaters were raving about it. So go ahead, give fish a chance! This recipe is easy too..

Grilled Lemon-Basil Halibut
Serves: 4

Ingredients:
2 cloves of garlic, minced
3/4 cup olive oil
2 tbsp fresh basil, cut into thin strips
2 tsp salt
2 tsp ground pepper
2 tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 tsp of parsley (I used cilantro)
4 halibut steaks

Mix together all of the ingredients ( besides the fish) and whisk well in a glass dish. Add fish to a baking dish and pour the marinade over top. Let sit in the frig at least one hour, sealed.

To Grill: take fish out of the marinade and place of preheated grill, 5 minutes each side. Fish is done when it flakes easily with a fork.

To Bake: (this is how we ate it) I just put the whole dish in the oven at 400 degrees for about 10 minutes until the fish was flaking.

Enjoy!

Summoned By The Great King

We always drove to vacation spots when I was growing up, which inevitably meant lots of hours in the car. My dad loves to tell a story on me about the time we drove home from Florida (and yes, we lived in Ohio then too). When we hit Kentucky, Dad was tired enough to worry about falling asleep at the wheel and Mom, who always promises to share the driving equally had been snoring for hours. He woke me up, had me sit in the front seat, and told me to help him stay awake. As he puts it, I “barely took a breath in between words for the next four hours!”

There are a lot of things I love, but few things I savor as much as a good conversation.

Two nights ago I found myself sitting at my friends Tera and Jon’s house until dark having one of those conversations. Their two younger kids were asleep, Cohen had snuggled in on their couch and was snoozing away, and the older girls were playing games on their computers. Tera and I and our friend Rod were sitting at the dining room table, talking about life and delving into deep issues, and yawning. That’s the darn thing about being an adult, isn’t it? We’re tired! I would’ve liked the conversation to go on until the wee hours of the morning- that is, if I didn’t have to get up in morning and work! But I did, so the conversation ended somewhat abruptly…

We were talking about religion initially…which is somewhat interesting for me on an intellectual level, but rarely engages my heart. Then the conversation shifted to personal philosophies and beliefs ( a little more interesting) and then (drumroll) to personal faith experiences. I listened to my friends sharing, thinking back on similar times of punctuated faith in my own life. The term “God” is easy enough for everyone to live with (except the strong atheist, I suppose) because it can mean as many things as people are in the room. “God” is pretty general… the term, that is. But, bring up “Jesus” and the playing field is instantly narrowed. There is a reason why Jesus said, “be careful that you are not offended because of me”, right? The reason is, you either are inexplicably drawn to Him or sickened at the mere mention of His name. Where “God” is general and safe enough for most; Jesus becomes a hill to die on.

And that’s where the conversation ended- much to all of our yawning dismay- with this question, “Does Jesus move you? Does His life grip your heart?”

Good question, right? And not just for someone on the fence, but for us all…

I woke up this morning to the sound of my phone letting me know a text message had arrived. I rolled over in the hotel bed, taken instantly from an odd dream where I was fighting a battle from a stairwell. I had the phone open and was trying desperately to make my brain take in the information. Once I saw who had texted me at 6:35a, I was anxious to read what was written. It caught me off guard and instantly my faculties stood at attention, wide awake:

How is your faith? Do you believe this is a day of overcoming, abounding, Spirit-filled radical, enormous victory??? Read Psalms 142-145. Behold, the Great King desires to give you an audience. Enter in!!!

Yeah.

As I typed that for you to read, I realized how strange it might sound. But somehow, given the Sender it didn’t strike me that way at all. In fact, truth be told I had set my alarm for 5a and then 6a too so I could get up an exercise. I was tired enough at the 5a ring to not even remember turning the phone off. But the 6a ring? I heard it. I even had the thought that I should get up and just have some quiet with the Lord. The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak, right? I had drifted back off….

Apparently the Lord really wanted to get my attention. Somehow calling him The Great King, made me feel summoned…wanted…called upon.

I found my pocket-sized Bible among the clothes and make up and hair products in my bag, situated some pillows on the floor in between the two beds and started reading.

I could hear people walking up and down the hallway, the buzz of the TV in the next room over, my own breathing… I couldn’t focus. Music, I thought, I need to put on some music. I need to set the tone and get myself in the right frame of mind. I opened iTunes only to remember that I just had it stripped my computer and had not yet put photos and music back on it. I wanted some worship music and as I opened the iTunes store, one particular album came to mind… Psalms by Shane and Shane. I own it already, but hey, why not support family, eh? Besides, it was a staple in my college years and has a measure of familiarity and fondness that I knew would help me get where I was going. So, I searched for the album and when it popped up, the track listing brought me to tears:

…Unto You
Psalm 143 (Revive Me)
Psalm 145
May The Words of My Mouth
You Said…

Are you seeing what I was seeing? I had gotten a very direct text, telling me to read Psalm 142-145 and then I feel drawn to an album I’ve literally not listened to in years only to find the track listing contains two songs penned directly from those same chapters.

Coincidence? I think not.

Want to hear another not so coincidental thing? Yesterday before I headed to the Toledo area, I was sitting on the couch snuggling with Cohen and Mom handed me a newsletter from some of my favorite people on the planet: John and Sarah Markman. The Markmans became my friends before they were ‘The Markmans’ – back before they were even dating. I was in a transition phase in my life (wait- transition really isn’t a phase, is it? Anyway…) and we were in the same small group. I loved them instantly and over time my respect and admiration for them has only deepened as I have watched them navigate life with prayerfulness and faithful diligence. Currently, they are missionaries at the International House of Prayer and I have the privilege of receiving their newsletter. I was reading it yesterday and thinking about how Sarah outlined her new vision of pray-reading the Bible. She spoke of sitting in her closet and trying to pray the Scripture out loud. A couple of things about that struck me… one, it was the second time in three days I had been ‘instructed’ to speak things out loud. Secondly, her description of pray-reading was so simple that I wondered why I had never actually done it.

Those thoughts lingered on as I kissed the Co Bean goodbye on his sleepy eyelids and made my way to the car, thinking of what I had to prepare for the training ahead of me.

Those thoughts about pray-reading bounded back into my head early this morning as I sat on pillows between two hotel beds, listening to my brother in law literally sing the words of David from the Psalms… I read all four chapters once and then I went back and began to pray through each line, each thought, each sentence. Vulnerability was the name of the game as I found myself unable to speak some things out loud with conviction. Instead, I ended up reading a line and asking God to help me to believe this or live that. I asked a lot of questions. How? How God? What about this situation? How are you taking care of us in that?

Amid the questions, there was true worship from my heart… invoked by the undeniable Presence of God that felt near enough to reach out and touch. Precious to me, then and now and probably always, will be the nearly two hours I spent this morning attempting to graft the Word of God into my heart, all the while knowing that He truly was a listening ear to my pleading and my questions and even my complaints. Nothing is quite as humbling as having your heart poured out before a Great King, who we so often assume as better things to do than sit with us.

My heart is full of words to share… and I will in the days to come (the close ones – promise ) but for now, friends, I want to encourage you that the Lord is an audience for His children… that somehow He has no need of dividing Himself up to deal with everything… All of Him has time for each of us. The math doesn’t work out, but then again I never much cared for math anyway *grin*.

So to the question a few nights ago in regard to whether or not Jesus moves me, stirs me, grips me…?

Yes, Yes and Yes.
Thank you, Jesus.
YES YES AND YES.

Settled in Heaven

Have you ever had a conversation that later you wish you’d have somehow taped? And I don’t mean so you could clear yourself or win a fight or some other mischief (although haven’t we all wished we had for those reasons at one point or another?) I mean, have you ever had such a Truth-packed conversation you wish you could have had it transcribed into a personal reference tool?

Can’t you just imagine it?

“Hold on just a second, friend”, you’d say with your first finger pointing and your eyes squinting and head nodding. Then putting the tape recorder on the table, “This is just such a rad interaction, I want to make sure I’d have it forever. On tape.”

Somehow I think it might stifle the moment… tape recorders just scream INTERROGATION, don’t they? Darn cop shows.

So until I figure out a way to secretly tape conversations (please note the sarcasm) , I guess I will be left trying to rely on my mom-brain to recall the highlights.

Yeeahhh…

I kind of won the pastor lottery twice in a row. When I was in high school Pastor Jason moved himself and his wonderful wife, Heidi, to Bellefontaine to pastor a mostly dead youth group in town. I didn’t go to that church, but then neither did most of the 200+ kids who showed up on Wednesday nights to hear the Word. Although he has a dynamic personality, what drew us there was quite simply the uncensored Word of God. There were no kid gloves on his teaching. When they moved to Michigan to pastor a new church, we were happy for him, just sad for our community.

Pastor Ricks is very different from Pastor Jason and yet his dynamism, like Jason’s, is not the thing that draws people to the church… its the Word. I think that’s a really good indicator about a body of believers… why do they congregate together? To be cool? To be ‘relevant’? To hear a good speaker? Or to get fed? hmmm…. that might be another thought for another post…

The point I was trying to get to (ahem, Digression) was this: anyone can read the Bible at face value and maybe even take away some moral guidelines or truths, but then there is the revelation of God through the Word that speaks to the regenerated heart of a believer. When I talk about winning the pastoral lottery, I mean getting to sit under the shepherding of two pastors who have a way of imparting the revelation of God as opposed to just coming up with a cute little sermon in which all the points start with the same letter of the alphabet. Not that those latter type of sermons are wrong or bad, just uninspiring….

I just swatted Digression on the knuckles…time to get on with the original thought for this post- what was it again? …. oh yeah…

I sat across from Pastor Ricks in the lilac colored conference room at the church for an hour or so yesterday. There was no pressing issue to discuss, really. He asked me how things were going and I meandered around the big concerns in my life, stopping at each to give a factual update of sorts. Then I told him about the Finish Line Fatigue and The Anxiety and we decided to pull up some chairs and sit with them for awhile.

He reminded me that The Anxiety really isn’t of God or mine, as I often assume. As a child of God, born again, The Anxiety, has no natural place in my life if I really believe in my heart that God created me and keeps the whole world spinning. I believe that He knows the number of hairs on my head, takes care of even the sparrows and that there is good reason for me to give up the worries for some peace.

And yet? Lately, I go from one fearful-avoidance-anxiety issue to another. I get one looming issue under control only to find something else has run amuck. Its like that game at Chuck E. Cheese with the weasels. I smack one with the hammer-like tool only to find two others have popped up somewhere else. I just can’t seem to get a handle on my life.

And in all fairness to myself, there is a lot going on.

Still, all explanations aside, The Anxiety isn’t a fun companion.

Pastor reminded me of a passage I have known since I was a little girl, but he brought light to a phrase I hadn’t paid much mind to before. And he said something when he had finished that settled a place deep in my spirit because its just True. “Kate, there are a lot of things not yet played out on earth that are already settled in heaven. Don’t fret. It is already decided. You are just waiting for it all to unfold.”

Sigh….. like, DEEP SIGH.

So soak in this familiar passage and let the God of the Universe bring peace to you as you run the race appointed to you, waiting for what is already settled in heaven to unfold here on earth.

Hebrews 12: 1-4 [Amplified Bible]

1THEREFORE THEN, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,
2Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God

Taste Bud Tuesday

I haven’t been writing much, so I figured I might as well go all out on this edition of Taste Bud Tuesday- its a whole menu (go on, someone- pat this sister on the back!)

MANGO-GLAZED SALMON WITH SPINACH SALAD and ROASTED PEACH CRISP for dessert!
Serves: 2
Calories per serving: 478

INGREDIENTS
For the Salmon:
2 tbsp low sodium soy sauce
1 tsp minced ginger
1 3-in cinnamon stick
1 tsp rice vinegar
5 ounces mango nectar
2 6-ounce salmon fillets (1 in thick)

For the Spinach Salad:
1 bunch of fresh spinach
1 thinly sliced Bosc pear
shredded carrots (to taste)
Asian bean sprouts (to taste)
2 tbsp toasted, sliced almonds

For the Dressing:
3 tbsp rice vinegar
1 tbsp sesame oil
1 tsp ginger (freshly grated)
1 tsp orange juice

To Make the Salmon:
Stir the first 5 ingredients in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil; reduce heat, and simmer uncovered for 15 minutes or until reduced by half. Pour the mango mixture through a wire mesh strainer, discard the solids. Return the mixture to the saucepan and keep warm.

Place the salmon on a rack in a broiler pan coated with cooking spray. Broil 5.5 inches from the heat for 5 minutes. Brush fish with 1/2 the mango mixture. Broil 3 more minutes or until fish flakes with a fork. Spoon the remaining glaze evenly over the fish.

To Make the Spinach Salad:
Chop the spinach rough cut, thinly slice the Bosc pear into strips, shred the carrots on a grater, add bean sprouts, toss in sliced almonds if desired. Lightly toss the ingredients all together in a mixing bowl with the dressing.

FOR DESSERT: ROASTED PEACH CRISP
Serves: 4
Calories per serving: 179

Ingredients:
2 ripe peaches, halved and pitted
2 tbsp honey
1 large egg white
2 tbsp sugar
2 tsp vegetable oil
1/4 tsp salt
pinch of ground cardamom
1/3 cup slivered almonds
1/4 cup old fashioned oats

To make the Roasted Peach Crisp:
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

Arrange the peaches cut side up, in a small glass or ceramic baking dish, and drizzle with honey. Pour 2 tbsp of water in the dish. Bake until tender and tops are caramelized (about 30-40 miniutes)

Meanwhile, whisk together the egg white, sugar, oil, salt and cardamom until well blended. Stir in the almonds and oats until evenly coated. Spread mixture in an even layer on a small, rimmed baking sheet. Place in the oven alongside the peaches and bake until golden brown (about 10 minutes) Remove from the oven and cool completely. It will crisp as it cools.

Transfer each peach half into individual serving dishes. Break the almond mixture into large pieces and arrange decoratively on peaches. Serve immediately (and with vanilla ice cream, if you wish- just know you’re adding some calories )

Undeservable Mercy

Growing up, summer was my favorite season. I mean, duh…no school, lots of swimming, weeks of church camp, and sunshine. I think spring with its new awakenings has sort of taken over as my favorite season and fall has a subtle slowing and undertones of beauty that were lost in all the years of thinking about new teachers and backpacks and the like. Still, I am not one to wish summer away. And yet, I don’t know if I have ever been looking more forward to the end of it than this year.

The end of summer will mark the beginning of new things in my life and the end of others. It is never as hard to wait for the end of something when its far off…but the antsy anticipation becomes suddenly overwhelming when the light at the end of the tunnel can for the first time be clearly made out.

Well, that is, if you’re anything like me.

A week ago I sat in church with tears streaming down my face. A beautiful young woman was leading worship and we were standing and singing words that had my inner man undone,

Your kindness leads me to repentance,
Your goodness draws me to Your side,
Your mercy calls me to be like You,
And Your favor is my delight,

Everyday I’ll awaken my praise,
And pour out a song from my heart

You are good,
You are good,
You are good,
And Your Mercy is Forever

I don’t know if any of you are familiar with that song or not. I am so not up on music these days that I never know if a song is widely sung or specific to our church. But I promise if I had a way to upload Miss Toya singing those words in the pure tones of her tender voice, you’d all be wiping a tear or two at this point.

But my tears were the result not of a song sung with sincerity, but rather the piercing Word of God that had come moments earlier to divide soul and spirit, bones and marrow…and namely, my soul from spirit, my bone from marrow.

Church was good. It always is. Christ our King might not be everyone’s style or cup of tea, but it can’t be said that the Word isn’t preached. The services are sometimes long and the Word doesn’t always come in the form of a pat on the back, but it comes none the less. I leave Sunday worship stirred up, encouraged, and often broken down for a better and more complete healing.

Pastor was speaking and then he hopped down a rabbit trail, rounded the corner, and was suddenly right in my business. He began to answer a question deep in my spirit that I had not even mustered up the courage yet to ask God.

Some of you might remember a month or so ago that I mentioned I had gone to the church to pray late one evening. The sanctuary was empty and the lights were dimmed and the room had a hushed quietness that made me want to slip my shoes off in reverence. As I made my way to the altar, I noticed a large well worn leather Bible lying open on the stage. Being that I am nosy, within minutes I was curious to see what passage it was open to.

Psalm 18.

Now if you’ve never had the occasion to read Psalm 18, this might be a good time to pause this blog to take care of that business.

Read it now? Awesome. Good, isn’t it?

Well as I was reading the first 19 verses, the picture of God breaking through the heavens on my behalf, moved me. And right as it got to the part about the lightning bolts and the storm, a loud storm broke out and I heard the raining violently pelting the roof of the church and in that single instant I knew the Lord was with me.

It was a moment.

Since that day, I’ve taken the time to pour over those words for comfort, hope, and even a sense of security in the fact that the Lord knows. And it always does just that…

…and then I get to verse 20 and I start squirming.

You see, David has been rescued from Saul and those who sought to take his life and he is praising God and bringing to life a provocative etching of the strength and protection God has delivered him with and then suddenly he starts talking about how God has rewarded him because of the cleanness of his hands…his righteousness…his blamelessness.

David had some issues no doubt, but think about how restrained he was with Saul! He even had the opportunity to kill Saul and didn’t. If you’ve ever been hurt, you know the urge to repay evil with evil or to be vengeful is STRONG. David’s righteous heart was revealed in those instances when he did right by the Lord by not giving in to his own urges.

But me… hmmm… I read the Word out loud when I’m trying to get it into my heart (aka- when I need convincing), but I couldn’t quite get my mouth to repeat with any sort of conviction:

“24Therefore has the Lord recompensed me according to my righteousness (my uprightness and right standing with Him), according to the cleanness of my hands in His sight.”

…because you know, I know me. I know all of my flaws and failings. I know the broad strokes of my weaknesses and all the detailed shading in of specific sins. I didn’t say any of it out loud, but there was a large part of me that was unsettled by the words. Certainly, the Lord had spoken to me that night to bring peace to a stormy heart. Surely, that old leather Bible had not just been accidently left open to that passage. And yet, what could I do with the pairing David was making: According to my righteousness, the Lord has rewarded me?

But what is the rendering for hands with dirt under the nails? What about a heart at times darkened by bitter feelings or ugly words? What is the reward for a woman who is glad she was never left in a cave with a sword and a hurt to repay?

Never coming quite to the surface, these thoughts have haunted me for the better part of the summer.

I know the Lord is doing a new thing in my heart- freeing and healing and making a way where there has not been any way and yet I know I’ve not followed in His footsteps as astutely as I should have… in short, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be paid in full based on actions/thoughts/attitude of the heart.

Last Sunday this was the corner that Pastor turned, the business he stepped right into, the rabbit trail that led right to the door of my uncertain heart when he started talking about how God will draw from righteousness in your life- even past righteousness- to rouse His mercy on your behalf.

His words caught in my throat and then I instantly wondered where that was in the Bible. As if answering my objection, Pastor said, “You want Bible for that? I’ll give you Bible for that”. He went on, citing case after case showing God’s search for righteousness. My thoughts were racing and I began to catch up with his words as he spoke of the crippled son of Jonathon who was blessed and cared for because of the righteousness of his father. And just when my mind, my intellect, was about to be engaged and draw me away into a more comfortable spot of study and analytical thinking, He just said the name of Jesus…

Jesus… the one from whom God has drawn Righteousness on our behalf… on my behalf. I felt my heart drop into my stomach at the mere mention of His name… at the realization of how the most obvious example had slipped right on by me.

Jesus.

The Gospel, the Good News of Jesus the Savior, was laid bare in my heart for the first time in years. When you’ve gone to church your whole life, heard the stories again and again, it can become rote- expected, familiar, common.

The Truth of the Gospel- the sheer Mercy of His reckless love, His inexplicable decision to become All Sin in order to Impart All Righteousness wrecked me.

Jesus.

Your kindness leads me to repentance,
Your goodness draws me to Your side,
Your mercy calls me to be like You,
And Your favor is my delight,

Everyday I’ll awaken my praise,
And pour out a song from my heart

You are good,
You are good,
You are good,
And Your Mercy is Forever

Pastor interjected before he prayed, “the things that lie ahead are far better than the things that are behind”.

Let the Undeservable Mercy of God wreck you today.

Help Jimmy Get to Africa!

My friend Jimmy is going to be leaving for Africa in 9 DAYS with Athletes in Action… thing is, those plane tickets aren’t cheap and if you’ve ever raised support for anything like this you know how much every little bit counts.

Having known Jimmy for ten plus years thanks to our rad youth group (Calstumi, Logan County Dwellers?), I can attest to the fact that he’s a wonderful Christian guy who will be a real asset on this trip. They will be working with youth in Uganda and Kenya during the 3 week trip, among other things. As you can see from the photos he provided from his trip to Kenya last summer, he’s a relative kid magnet.

If any of you have a heart for Africa or a desire from God to give a few bucks to help Jimmy get on that plane in 9 DAYS, feel free to donate by clicking HERE and entering his code which is: 5485931. If you’d like to give an amount less than $50, send it through paypal to pocketbeagles@gmail.com and I will write him a check for it. If you give through AIA’s website, you will be able to write it off on your taxes too.

You can also become friends with Jimmy Hoffman and hear all about his trip by friending him through my facebook page (he makes for a pretty good facebook friend too *grin*)

Photo Update

So its now been two weeks since we got home from vacation and I realized I had not even downloaded these photos…

Wordy update coming soon.

Enjoy!

Cohen on the flight from Columbus to Dallas… he was super excited about flying FAST!- just not that stoked about having to experience it in the car seat.

Dollar day at the Dallas zoo was insane… see how tired even Co looks? I think everyone in Dallas was there…wall to wall people… and the animals were almost all in hiding (go figure *grin*)

My favorite pic of Cohen and Aunt Beth… shooting each other with peppers… man, to little boys EVERYTHING is a gun

Co in Uncle Shane’s hat

Ahh… days by the pool… now this is what I call vacation!

..hence the goggles…

and the wildness…

hold on- this might be a better explanation for the wildness…CHOCOLATE thanks to Aunt Beth, the constant dessert-maker

On the way home Mom gave in about the car seat and also Cohen crunching his goldfish like dirt underneath his toy truck (sometimes peace and quiet is just worth it!)

Oh and Mom, Sister Beck and I all got hair cuts.. here is a silly pic. For being sisters by marriage, we sure do look a lot alike, don’t we? (I’m on the left)

And since poor Co got called ’she’ on the plane ride home 3x by 3 different people, he also got his first ‘real’ (as in at the salon) hair cut:

I Want to be Green (just not with envy)

I am a family girl…a “home body” as my mom would call it. Most days I’d rather be chilling with the fam than doing something outrageously awesome and new (cause, as you might imagine those are my options *grin*). Come to think of it, outside the circle of my family I have only a few close friends.

On account of an email the other day, I’ve had the opportunity to do some thankful reflections. You know, I think that’s one of the strengths of David- he did a lot of reflecting. Sometimes the reflecting appears to be sulking because of his troubles, but more often than not the man who was known for being after the heart of God, wound up at a place of praising God for all that he had been brought through.

2007 was a year of extremes for me. On the one hand, the most wonderful thing to take place in my life to date (minus Jesus, which I assume is a given), happened- Cohen Reid was born into the world, all 4lbs of him. On the other hand, my marriage was torn apart by a lie uncovered, we refinanced our house out of necessity (increasing our payment to the point that it literally hurt), I moved with a tiny infant and the weight of the world on my heart… a host of other smaller yet very difficult decisions and struggles and burdens followed. If I were to put all of them into some giant grocery scales, the good would far outweigh the hurt thanks to Cohen. But I’d be a liar to say its a year I’d happily relive.

I left Seattle in late August and the first Saturday in October, my brother Aaron married his beautiful bride Becky. Not six months after that my little sister Beth married the love of her life, Shane. I did my best to make light of the timing of it all… I said, ‘hey if this were a film we could call it Two Weddings and a Separation- wait…isn’t there a Hugh Grant movie with a similar title Two Weddings and a Funeral? Close enough.” Everyone smiled and made efforts to allow me some room to cope, inappropriate as those statements might’ve been.

Emotions are as complex as they are deceptive. I could feel as happy for my siblings as I knew how and still find that hidden underneath was a complex web of pride, anger, hurt…and the kicker- JEALOUSY. I struggled to find a way to just purely experience happiness for others, but found myself envious of the tender touches and inside jokes spoken without a word. I’d try not to think too hard about what they had that I didn’t, but would at times find myself obsessing over it.

The email came from a new found friend whose story mirrors my own with a shocking resemblance. Thanks to the world wide web, we found each other and within one phone call, I knew maybe God had more to do with the connection than current technology. I listened to her story, spoke out the nuances that reminded me of the journey I’ve been on, and found a sister in Christ the Lord sent my way to lift up.

She sent me an email to ask me if the jealousy ever ends. Her honesty struck a chord in my heart, as I thought of wedding days and Thanksgivings and birthdays that had passed in the last two years with a notable about of conflicted emotions inside of me. As I read her words over and over, I heard in them my own heart cries, my own fears that the dark cloud would never pass, that the joy of the Lord might somehow be forever just beyond my grasp. I could’ve penned that email a year ago, had I had someone to send it to that I thought my understand.

There is something powerful about remembering the battles the Lord has already won on your behalf. I wrote back and encouraged her that the day will also come for her when she can look back on jealousies conquered and praise God for His mercies that truly are new with every sunrise.

My heart has been resounding with thankfulness the past few days as I have watched Aaron and Beck and Shane and Beth and my mom and dad whisper and snuggle and share intimate conversations and glances. I praise God for the work He has accomplished in my heart of digging out the seed of bitterness that had begun to take root and was watered and nurtured not by the sin against me but my own sense of entitlement. I thank God that He does, as Paul so eloquently state in the letter to the Philippians, finish the work He begins in us, carrying it on until its complete (which means, of course, we’re all a work in progress as long as we’re progressing- am I right?). I thank God for supernaturally transforming our wounds into the well-spring of His life. I thank God for His long-suffering and His patient goodness with a stubborn, prideful, ‘how could this happen to me?’ soul like mine.

I want to tell you what God is like when everyone you love has what you want… God is honest but gentle. He uncovers that truth about bitterness and envy and jealousy- that they are a noose around the heart, choking out His Spirit. God is patient not pushy, which is good beyond measure because most of us (include me) want to go on for awhile exclaiming how we don’t deserve this or do deserve that. God is merciful with our jealousy, though we malign our brothers all the while conveniently forgetting how our sin put His only son on the cross to die the most undeserved death on record. God continues to speak, mostly by bringing us around and around again to situations where the offense or the hurt is center stage. At first, this makes us mad but if we pay close attention we see that He’s not letting us escape the pain until we’ve submitted it to His Will. We’re not all that unlike the Israelites to whom the prophet Haggai said by the word of the Lord, “Consider your ways! You worked and yet little came of it… you had all of this trouble and yet you didn’t turn to me…” (Kate’s Paraphrase/Check out Haggai chapter 2)

God isn’t unaware of how we work… if He allowed an offense to go on without being refined, it would have no other end but to snuff out His Presence in us. And He knows if we are permitted to keep the attitude of ungratefulness because its easy and the situation is isolated and doesn’t come back around, we never will undergo that process of being refined… we only choose the to step into the fire we were are desperate for change… and what makes us desperate? Dealing with the same thing again and again until we either face it and allow God to transform us or we become a recluse or worse.

And that’s what God is like. He’s like the parent who refuses to let her child become a brat because she knows selfishness will undermine every relationship/friendship/job and so she disciplines the child until the child submits to an outside will, namely her own. For his children, jealousy is not acceptable. It feels good in the moment, but the after taste will have you raking the residue off of your tongue with great vigor.

There are two ends for man… one is death and one is life. And there is one path to life… its the narrow path of obedience and total surrender.

The good news I have to report is that jealousy, once given to God… and I’m not talking about cleaned up, polished, varnished jealous re-named in some nice Christian terms… I am talking about getting real with God and vomiting our sickness right out in front of him… that jealousy God has a way of dismantling so that we can see the division between our sinful, prideful, sense of entitlement and the real, Godly desires He has lovingly and purposefully put into the heart of His image-bearers.

Where jealousy had once tried to take over my soul there is now a soft awareness of my own longings for the good God has promised me as His daughter. The truth is not mixed with fickle emotion. The offense no longer has its power over me. I am not rushing around , trying to set good up for me… I really believe God when He speaks tenderly to me about what lies ahead.

And not one iota of any of this is to my credit.

So on this hot day in Cedar Hill, TX as I type of the front porch of the closed White Rhino I want to proclaim the goodness of the Lord and His unfailing love and I want to encourage those of you who are wrestling with all that you desire but do not have… surrender your humanness to the Lord and watch Him transform the ugly recesses of your heart into a dwelling fit for a King.

Blessings, friends

Vacation Update Numero Uno

I’ve inherited from my mom this feeling right before I go on a trip… its the feeling that I don’t want to go. Even when I do. I always leave thinking, why did I do this? I have so much to do at home! And its costing me money! And I’ll probably miss being home… etc

Well I do have a lot to do and the plane tickets (yes, tickets as in more than one… Cohen is now requires his own seat, which means mommy has to shell out twice the dough) weren’t cheap, but I can’t say I am missing home just yet.

We are having a blast.

Its been a couple of years since I went on a real vacation and I’ve got to admit, I think I forgot how nice it is to get away and sleep in and splash in a pool. And in case you’ve forgotten too- its divine.

The airplane ride with my two year old beloved son was less than divine and perhaps closer to the other end of the spectrum if you know what I mean. He was screaming probably 40% of the flight, either because I wouldn’t let him stand up his car seat and push the ‘butts’ (buttons) or because I wouldn’t let him get down on the floor and play. Mean mommy, aren’t I? He was so excited to fly when we first took off, even exclaiming, “Mommy! Flying…. FAST!” but the novelty wore off within in minutes and being above the clouds didn’t mean a release from the car seat, so he wasn’t that into it anymore. Luckily we were sitting with seemingly the rest of the children on the plane, a seat in front of the engine so it was already loud and annoying and no one seemed to notice Co’s vocalizations amid the rest of the cries and arguments. We found ourselves in good like company.

Things have been way up hill since we landed at 8a yesterday morning. We’ve eaten and laughed and swam and everyone slept hard last night…. Cohen didn’t even stir until 8:30 this morning which felt like a miracle in and of itself. It was dollar day at the zoo today so we gave it a shot and even made it two hours, but then we realized every other child and attaching adults in the Dallas metro area were also at the zoo and the crowds plus the heat was making our crew of 12 a tad bit on the irritable side. So we came back…and got into the pool… again. We all love Shane and Beth’s pool so much, I opened my camera this afternoon and found that someone had taken longing photos of it without my knowledge..and without a single soul in the pool. I am going to go ahead and blame Dad. Its a very Dad thing to do *grin*

I am chilling at Panera all alone for the moment. I got Cohen down for a nap and decided to come and get some work done since Shane and Beth have no internet access at their house… in fact, Beth no longer has a computer… its like stepping back in time ( just teasing, Sis!) It is relaxing… would be more relaxing to unplug if I really could…

I’ve almost finished Mark Driscoll’s new book Religion Saves: and Nine other Misconceptions which I will be reviewing on here in a few weeks. Its really good so far, can’t wait to tell you all about it.

Well I am off to do some work…

Signing out from the Lone Star State

Taste Bud Tuesday- Raw Ice Cream!

Choose your flavor! This stuff is amazing!

All recipes make about 4 cups of yummy, healthful ice cream.

Vanilla
Meat of 3 young coconuts
1 tbsp pure vanilla beans
1/2 cup pure maple syrup
4 cups of ice cubes
Blend together (start w/ 1 cup of ice cubes and keep adding as long as it stays thick- you might not need it all). You might want to use coconut milk to facilitate blending.

Chocolate
3 bananas
3 tbsp pure cocoa powder
2 tbsp raw tahini (can use yogurt or cream)
8 packets of Splenda or stevia
6 dates, pitted
3-4 cups of ice cubes
Again, start with one cup ice cubes and add more as long as the mixture stays thick.. blend well!

Strawberry
Meat of 2 coconuts
2 bags of frozen strawberries
8 packets of Stevia or Splenda
6 organic dates
1 tsp strawberry extract
4 cups of ice cubes
Same directions as above.

Orange Sherbet
Meat of 2 young coconuts
8 packets of Splenda or Stevia
6 dates, pitted
1 tsp orange extract
4 cups frozen, fresh squeezed orange juice cubes
Same directions as above