its been a really, really difficult few days for me…[i feel like i mostly write when that’s the case…isn’t it funny how pain gives us something to give back? hmm…] shawn and i took a nap this afternoon and both had to admit we feel so tired- even physically- this week that its been hard to even get out of bed. he put that into words and i agreed sullenly…i could have easily spent the whole afternoon in that bed. for those of you who know me, well…that’s just not normal. i am a busy-bodied little woman 99.8% of the time. then something else occurred to me.
i have become desperate. this is also out of the norm for me. but its as true and real as the two blue eyes in my head. its probably been building for some time (maybe even 24 years and 4 months) but in the last 6 days i have become a desperate woman…a woman who feels entirely out of control…a woman who doesn’t know her next move (because she isn’t sure what’s right)…a woman who realizes how incapable she is….. and thank God. literally, THANK GOD.
out of control. unsure. incapable. that’s not me. ask anyone who knows me.
anal. convicted and convinced. ABLE. that’s the kate i have known.
marriage is doing a work in me that quite possibly nothing else could have done.
God has been talking to me almost non-stop for the last 48 hours. i can’t often say that. one of the questions i have most often asked in my life is ‘how do i know if the thoughts are me or God?’ and i have never gotten an answer that has dissipated my confusion. so i have stumbled on through. but i can say that when God speaks sometimes its like He might as well be in the burning bush or talking via the mouth of an ass…cause its that ridiculous and obvious at the same time. who else uses a donkey to get his point across?!?! anyway, i digress…the point is God has plainly and loudly been speaking to me. and its paralyzing and invigorating all at once.
shawn asked me if i wanted to pray this morning and he went into the bedroom and knelt on the floor and began to pray. tears welled up in me and spilled out through my eyes before i was even in the room with him…it was the anticipation of that deep of intimacy with God…i am apparently in a ‘no hiding zone’ because lately i haven’t been able to hold back in His presence (not like i am complaining). i almost crawled into the room …all white and lit with the morning sun…and knelt beside my husband. it took all of 0.5 seconds for me to melt into the thick, cream colored carpet…dissolved might be the word for it. i could get no understandable words out except for ‘hold me’…i was staring at the floor but seeing Jesus. it was the strangest most beautiful thing…it seemed as though the warmth of the sun formed into His arms around me and i sobbed like a little girl who thought she was lost and then turned around right into her mama’s arms. in fact (hope this doesn’t sound too ‘off’) i imagined God as a large african woman who had just buried my head in her bossom and muted my cries all the while calling me her baby. it felt like the safest place in the world and i couldn’t stop. i cried until my hair was matted to my face with salty tears and black mascara. and then i just laid there on the ground in that calm silence. i have watched babies sleeping all my life- whenever i had the chance- even have given up movement and ‘have to’s’ to hold them in their sleep..just watching the movement under those peaceful, thin eyelids and entering into that heavenly realm on their coat tails. and today i laid there in that calm silence and thought for the first time that i felt like that baby…being watched with tenderness…
the Lord is taking me into a beautiful, helpless phase of life and i am like a child fighting the sleep she needs. fighting with the knowledge that i cannot help but lose, but fighting still. i know i am going to more desperate places through even harder routes than i have so far known. i know i am not going without bruised knees and blood dried to my face. i know its going to get harder before its easier. i know parts of me that i have long selfishly cherished are going to be cut away by the Expert Human Pruner. its terrifying to realize God is willing to chase you down like a mama bear to perfect you…that He is willing to hurt you to mend you. and somehow its comforting to know God can be found in the carpet.
1 “Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
2 After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.
3 Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.”