You have to read that: Mommy dO (as in rhyming with toe)- its the cute way Cohen now asks me where something has gone.
He stood in the living room this afternoon and stared at the place where the TV had been. “Mommy…dO?” he said over and over and then pointed to the blank (dusty) space on the top of the entertainment center. The only evidence left was the remote Ben forgot on the way out.
We didn’t have a TV at all the first year we were married and it was an adjustment for me since I’d been sleeping to the dull hum of a TV since college. I hate feeling alone at night; I hate hearing every sound in the house. A fan will do the trick too, but for an insomniac, its also nice to have some back up entertainment just in case you can’t sleep or wake up alert at 2a (or happen to struggle with a toddler throughout the wee hours of the morning).
I hate to say it, but its been a comfort to me to sleep in front of that large TV Shawn and I disagreed so much over when we bought it. Hearing human voices at night and the silly informercials that weaved their way into my dreams somehow made me feel less alone. And of course I am not alone. Cohen is here and Kirstie and Alex are sleeping right above us. But I feel alone.
The noise of the TV throughout the day (it was on a lot, even though 90% of the time neither of us were watching) was a good distraction for me, as far as distractions go. The added rumble made the day go faster, made it easier to be sluggish, and certainly left me less time to think about my life and where its at.
I decided 2 weeks ago, the TV had to go. Technically its Shawn and I’s, but I know he doesn’t want one at his apartment. So I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I can’t sell what isn’t just mine and leaving it unhooked somewhere in the house would be like keeping candy around and then thinking you won’t eat it. So when Mom mentioned that they were going to have to replace my brother Matt’s TV soon (Joe and Josh got excited playing a bowling game on Wii and lost control of the remotes and broke his screen), I jumped at the chance to lend him ours to buy them some time on the costly replacement.
This evening I noticed how nice the quiet was. Cohen and I read books forever until his eyelids were too heavy for him to hold up. It was nice. I thought about going to sleep early, and then thought better of doing a little picking up and some organizing on the bookshelf. I realized those hours after Co goes to sleep actually exist. I think I had forgotten that with all of mind-numbing boob tube I have taken in during the hours from 7-10p. The bookshelf looks great. Co is sleeping soundly. The house is clean. The laundry is done, folded and put away. I even replaced the light bulbs that had burnt out weeks ago.
And now I feel lonely.
I made my bed today because I am determined to sleep in it for the first time since I moved here. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for a number of reasons…some personal, some silly. I laid down and the computer light was beckoning me…thought maybe if I write this all down, the quiet wouldn’t feel as thick.
Either way, sometimes you just have to quit taking no for an answer and make strides toward health(ier)ness even when you don’t want to.
So here’s to learning to live with less noise and forming better habits of restfulness!