I grew up going to church… and pretty much every church related activity my parents were aware of. We went to Sunday School, Wednesday evening service, Vacation Bible School, Church Camp (special thanks for that one, Mom and Dad! *grin*), youth group… if you can name a church function, I bet I have attended.
No one’s childhood or family are perfect, but my parents gave my siblings and I wonderful opportunities to connect with Jesus and those who love Him.
I am not sure how it happened, since by and large my church experiences were positive, but when I got to college I became very disillusioned with “the Church”. The more I “learned”, the more books I read, the more I became convinced that “the Church” was beyond dysfunctional. I became critical of pastors I knew and then pastors in general. I could pick out all of the hypocrisy in the conservative Christians I had grown up around and before I knew it, I generally thought most (if not all) “Christians” were hypocrites.
It really wasn’t long before I started to think about “the Church” and “those Christians” as something that was separate from me; something I wasn’t aligned with or apart of.
I sympathized with those who disliked Jesus because of “Christians”- I would nod my head in agreement as they verbally filleted “the Church”. I understood my friends who took the I-Am-An-Island approach “Church” and met in barns to talk about life and Jesus with a few like-minded others. Hey, that was “Church”, right? I myself committed to an organization on campus and floated from church to church in the Dayton area depending on the music and where my friends were going that Sunday. I even made and took and quantified a survey on campus about what students thought was wrong with modern Christianity and “the Church” and those hypocritical “Christians”. I wanted to have all the data because…
…At one point, I came up with a list of chapter titles for the book I was going to write about all of the things that were wrong with “the Church”.
Because I was very enlightened after 20 years of living.
Ahem, Ahem…
At one point I actually said to someone that I wouldn’t really identify myself as a “Christian” because of the negative connotation. Though of course I loved Jesus and all that, I just was very unsure about “the Church”… and especially the people in it who just didn’t understand and get it like I did.
At age 20.
That’s probably why it caught my attention when someone I follow on twitter, posted this:
“I have been pressed by some to come out & deny the faith. so here’s as close as I can come:I admit it folks, I don’t love Christians”
and then tried to make it better by following it with:
“ok, how about ‘I like some individual Christians, but as a group I don’t love Christians’- better?”
[Before this post goes further, some of you may know this person also and have read those tweets, but I do NOT want the person’s name posted here or ANY derogatory comments about the person or their faith… no nonsense, ok? I am not posting this because I want to go on the attack or because I want to even highlight the person. I just feel there’s something here to address…]
Having some years ago been a person who could have and probably would have penned those same tweets, it stuck in my heart and has been on repeat in my mind over the past couple of days.
Last Sunday at church, our visiting Pastor made an off-handed comment near the end of his message that the Lord has brought back to my mind a lot as I have been mulling over all of this. He said something to the effect of,
“The Church is the Bride of Christ… now She might have some smudges on Her face and Her dress might have some rips and tears, but make no mistake, She’s the Bride.”
As the parent of a little guy, I am always concerned that he will unknowingly say something out of turn in public. Children just don’t know how not to say the obvious. If someone looks funny, they point. If they don’t know why someone is in a wheelchair, they will just flat out ask. Once, just after Cohen had just learned that a pregnant belly contains a baby, he asked a woman who was carrying a few extra pounds if she had a baby in her belly? I hoped she didn’t catch it, but as the case would be, that was the clearest sentence he’d said all day.
One of my jobs as his mom is to teach him those life lessons…
-You never ask a woman her age.
-You never assume a woman is pregnant unless she’s wearing on of those “I love my Bump” t-shirts
-You don’t point.
-You don’t stare.
-You don’t insult someone’s family. Ever.
Growing up, I could complain about my brothers and even my sister…but just let someone outside of the Adelsberger clan call my brother a name or treat my sister unkindly! If I remembered his name, I would tell you to ask the kid on the bus in the 4th grade who called my brother “four eyes”! (the one and only time I was sent to the principal’s office) He learned that last lesson that day… you don’t mess with someone’s family. Period.
Can you imagine going to a wedding and catching a glimpse of the bride and then whispering to the groom before he made his way down the aisle,
“Dude, are you sure about this one? She’s not as pretty as the picture on the wedding invitation…I mean she looks almost uncomfortable in that dress… Are you sure she can wear white and really mean it? Know what mean?”As you go in for that dude-to-due elbow to the ribs, you might as well expect to be drop kicked into next week.
Right?
Now let’s add a piece to the story… what if that groom had literally darkened death’s door to save the bride’s life? What if he loved her SO MUCH that he jumped in front of car for her, died on the table after multiple surgeries and come back to life after 3 days in a drug induced coma. The wedding had to be put off because of the accident, but now after a long time of recovery, the blessed day had come. He’s about to walk down the aisle to wait for his bride who will soon walk the same aisle, eyes on her beloved… her rescuer… the one who had so proven his affection.
If you were sitting at that wedding, would you even notice if the bride had gained some weight or would you be thinking about her past indiscretions? OR would you just be so moved by the story of his great love for her that you didn’t even pay attention to those things? After all, you’re there to see the commencement of a marriage not just a wedding. The dress will soon be put away with all of the old things that something completely new will begin.
What if you were that bride? Would you really be concerned about the temporal parts of the wedding? Would you be a bridezilla or would you be so THANKFUL to walk to that man that everything else just faded into oblivion? Could you even be insecure about your mistakes and flaws when the one who sacrificed himself to save you was waiting at the altar, moved to tears at the sight of you?
Here’s the problem with Believers removing themselves from “the Church” and “those Christians” and acting like Simon Cowell at the American Idol try-outs. When you insult Her, roll your eyes at Her, dismiss Her, criticize Her, and tell Her she’s just not special enough…
You’re insulting another One’s BRIDE.
In His Presence.
While He anxiously awaits His wedding day.
And I think we established what kind WWF behavior follows a social misstep of that kind of massive proportion, right?
Does The Church have faults? flaws? sin? misunderstanding? You bet She does.
Should Believers take sin seriously? address issues? stand up for what is right and oppose what is wrong? Yes, yes YES
But we have to remember She’s not our Bride.
We have to walk in truth and love. We have to deal with issues the way we would with our family; with the ones we love.
A friend of mine from college got married and gained a substantial amount of weight. She was insecure about it, unhappy with herself, and married to a thin man. She recounted this story to me and it brought tears to my eyes. He bought her a treadmill for Christmas, which could have been the precursor to a big fight, except for the fact that he loved her. He sat her down and told her all of the things he loved about her and then gently told her that he knew she was unhappy and that she felt defeated by her weight. He told her he wanted to help because he wanted her to feel good about herself and be healthy so that they could have children and live long lives together.
He loved her well.
One of my cousins went through a really dark time in college. He left his faith and delved into a lifestyle of sin that included heavy drug use. Though he pushed everyone away and was angry at the drop of a hat, his mother saw the good in him; she saw the little boy with the big blue eyes who had loved to pretend he was Indiana Jones. So she prayed for him. She believed for him. She took the insults and hurts and the sorrow and never stopped loving him. She clung to the words of Sara Grove’s song “You Cannot Lose My Love”. (parental warning: you need tissues handy before reading that link)
She loved him well.
My friends husband would have never tolerated someone else calling his wife “fat” and nor would he call her that. My aunt would have died before believing someday her son would be anything but whole (and he is, praise Jesus).
It doesn’t mean the husband ignored a health issue, it doesn’t mean my aunt pretended like her son wasn’t doing drugs. Love isn’t like that.
In fact… Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
And if a sinless Jesus, who would have every exemption from associating with anything imperfect, felt compelled to the love The Church, give His life for Her, and take Her as His Bride...
…then who are we to cast the first stone?
When that glorious wedding commences and time ends and the Groom comes back to raise up His Bride, I want to be Her. I want to be called into the sky to the One who loved me well in my weakest places. I know I won’t wear the white as well I want, but He will make me new and He will mend every tattered piece and wipe every tear. I won’t feel shame at being in His gaze, I will only feel deep satisfaction that soon we shall be one.
When He comes back there won’t be: the Enlightened Bride Who REALLY Gets It and the Bride Who Missed the Point, there will just those who are His Bride and those who are not.
There will only be those who loved and obeyed Him and those who thought they knew better.
So when the Bible reminds us time and time again that Jesus’ family isn’t necessarily the beautiful and the intellectual and the ones with star potential (too many references to even link), and when I read Jesus’ words about His great Love for His undeserving Bride, and His instructions about how to treat Her
[again- many links! here are a few:
here,
here,
here,
here,
here,
here,
here,
here,
and here;
– just to name a few]
… I am reminded I want to be counted in the group that loved Her well, served Her well, and obeyed Him even when I didn’t get it.
I don’t want to be found throwing stones, voicing concerns outside of the context of Great Love, separating myself from His Beloved Bride, or deceiving myself into believing I can love Him without loving Her.
“If anyone says “I love God”, yet hates his brother, he is liar. For anyone who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.” (1 John 4:20)
good post. great reminder that we are called to love one another (as the Church)…but that does not preclude us from having legitimate issues with particular churches, or even particular people.
case in point: in the 90’s, i volunteered, then worked, then interned and worked, at a large church in the area. during the internship, i was offered a position, and turned it down. fast forward less than a year later, and after resigning from a position at another church, we came back to visit, looking for a home church…and yet were virtually ignored by the staff, with a couple exceptions. but the pastor i’d spent the most time with, interned with, and was offered the position by…it was like we did not even exist. it was bizarre after all the years spent there.
but do i see this an a reflection of Christ? not at all. i see it as a reflection of that particular pastor. it hurts his credibility and integrity, not that of the Church.
Thanks for writing this, Kate. I read those tweets, too, and my reactions surprised me. I have a temper and I almost always default to anger, but when I read those tweets, I was sad. And hurt. Just like you referenced, I felt like I was being called ugly and unworthy and stupid because I AM a Christian. And I am part of a group of Christians. And I am one of those people the tweeter doesn’t love.
Your story about the human groom who give his life for his imperfect bride was so moving to me. No one would dare point out her flaws. They would stand in reverence of the story being played out in front of them. They would rejoice at the union and they would love the bride, too, because someone else believes so steadfastly that she is lovable.
Thanks for this wisdom. You handled a delicate topic with grace. 🙂
Kate, this was so beautiful to read (as your blog always is!)
I write a column in Relevant Magazine on a somewhat regular basis, which I love. But as I keep reading their daily Web updates – including columns from all across the spectrum, which I really appreciate – I am really feeling that it has to be more than 50 per cent of them center on “What We Are Doing Wrong.” I find it disheartening, and even confusing. We should certainly hold ourselves to a higher standard, but should we expect perfection? How much criticism is too much, and how much is too little? There’s a fine line there and I still can’t always find it.
Whenever I’m feeling particularly frustrated with the Church, though, I try to remember two things: a)It is not a ‘new’ idea to criticize Her, and b)She has been around a lot longer than me, and perhaps that’s significant…
Anyway, I appreicated your post like I always do! I’d love to hear your thoughts on some of the Relevant columns I’ve posted (actually made a little allusion to your blog in the last one) if you’d like! Let me know if you’re interested and perhaps I can e-mail you some of the links?
(p.s. – fellow Ohioan hello! I recently moved to AZ, but grew up in Canton. Went to OU in Athens, though…love me some central Ohio! I sure miss the green…deserts are weird…)
Thanks for sharing these beautiful words…a much needed reminder.
This is the best thing I’ve read all year. I’ve wrestled with these issues for ten years or so and haven’t been able to put the kind of reasoning to it that would leave me with a sense of peace. Thank you. 🙂
I love reading your insight. I have a friend who is a very strong NON believer and she contiually refers to my other friends as my “Church people friends” it makes my sad to know that she has been burned so bad by people in A church that she feels that all church people are the same. It also makes me wonder why she feels she can label church people when I am in fact a “church people”
My heart breaks for the people out there that have been burnt by the church in their past and are disillusioned into thinking that ALL Christians are the same. Our mission as children of the King are to give those a reason to believe that not all people who say they are Christians are living the true love life that Christ requires of us. “Love your neighbor as yourself”
Kate,
What a beautiful, gentle exhortation. Who knew the Holy Spirit would make not only our testaments more effective, but also our BLOG posts?! 🙂 It’s so easy to get impatient when other Christians are flying their faith in a way we think is silly … But I am so often reminded that God has been so patient in growing all of us, maturing us at a pace that is His.
And as often as we’re tempted to eye-roll at the Church at times, aren’t we all just acting in giddy gratefulness to have our pathetic selves spared from what we surely deserve?! You are so right on to encourage us to be over-the-moon, crazy newlywed Christians, rather than cynical long-faithful brides. Thanks for being His instrument and for all the encouragement and conviction that came with it.
Balance and moderation.. I think most of us should have the common sense to know who the “bad” and “good” church people are. While it is not our place to judge others, I for one have been embarrassed, ripped off, and insulted by Christians, but I also have been extensively loved by Christians, in a way that changed my life. My career is the same as the person who posted those tweets, so I sure do identify with them, on a very big, real level. I constantly struggle to not make fun and pick on other Christians, but I constantly remind myself that our purpose here on earth is to love people; to show them Jesus. That’s where the balance comes in. In our frustration, we must never say or do anything to jeopardize someone coming to Christ. There is a place for correction, and there is a place for forgiveness, some of us (myself included) have to learn to find that balance.
Kate, this is perhaps the best post you have ever written.
As one who is a far sight past their 20’s I still have my issues with the church, although I usually keep them to myself.
You wrote this exceptionally well, I didn’t even bristle (as my MIL says) as I read it…LOL
I won’t say that I am ready to darken the door of any particular establishment, or building labeled the church. You have made me rethink, just what the church really should be.
Thanks….
Kate,
What a joy to read. As someone who identifies with a LOT of what you said, I can happily say “hear hear”, however… I think we, as true follower of our Lord Jesus Christ, have to come to grips with what the “church” IS.
The church is obviously NOT a facility… it is NOT a localized gathering of believers, it is the WHOLE of all believers, be they “church goers” or not. And though we should let no division be made amongst us, we do already. Be you Baptist, Nazarene, Methodist, etc, you have allowed and accepted a division amongst the brethren already.
This is caused by the great deceiver, convincing us that doctrine and dogma are more important than that particular command (and of course our ability to deceive ourselves). My grandfather is fond of saying “If you’re not Calvinist you’re not a Christian”, and as I commented on another blog, CALVIN is not my savior. Pre-destination and Free will (again just to pick a common point of doctrine/dogma) does NOT determine if I will be a member of the bride, and I would also point out that going to church does not either.
All that to say this: Those of us who choose to forsake the gathering of the believers are in a bad place any way we cut it. The Church is NOT as it was meant to be, it’s screwed up and mis-focused and ineffective. And as you RIGHTLY point out, perhaps none of that matters because we’re still the Bride of Christ, but I can’t help but feel that there’s a happy middle ground between your position and mine. We have no hope of ever mending the Bride’s dress, nor wiping the dirt from her face, but perhaps that goes back to loving each other? Perhaps we could make ourselves, as the Bride and a body of believer a little more ready for our Groom, if only we’d focus on the things that REALLY matter?
Just a thought,
Eclipse
My comment is gone, fooey. So quickly, i love this! What a neat analogy!! (And i’ll do a better commment next time, just ttoo tired to try and refind the words that flew off the page)
lovely blog! i hope to read another of yours soon!
Sounds a lot like the attitude of the Catholic church.
Amazing…and challenging as well. Sometimes I think we spend so much time finding fault with one another that we miss the wonder and the beauty and the blessing that God means us to see in the other members of the Body. We miss out on a lot because we simply aren’t looking for a lot from one another…
Great post! I’m glad my wife pointed me to it. Thanks for sharing.
Keep in mind that local churches are comprised of wheat and tares, sheep and goats, good fish and bad fish, regenerate and unregenerate, the genuine and the hypocrite, the bride and the whore – professing Christians will be sorted out when Christ returns the second time.
The real bride of Christ in America is keeping herself pure for her bridegroom, she is beautiful and Christ loves her, she is not a whore.
Since reading this post yesterday I’ve been haunted by an image of the Pharisee standing tall, thanking God that he wasn’t “as other men, such as this tax collector, were,” while the tax collector couldn’t even look God in the face and begged God to be merciful to him, a sinner. Have I judged myself to not be as hypocritical as other Christians, as mean-spirited, as narrow-minded, as critical, as unloving, as selfish, as self-righteous? You betcha. And on a regular basis I see God using and blessing imperfect Christians who I think don’t represent Christ well. Thank God for the mercy and abundant love He bestows upon us.
KATE! This is SO good! So incredibly good… We are so wrongfully quick to be critical of the Church; I know in my life it usually comes out of intimidation and fear of not meeting someone else’s opinion.
My dad always used to say: “Be very careful of being critical of Jesus’ Church, because it is HIS Church.”
Excellent post. A friend sent me your blog address, saying she thought I would enjoy both your writing and your insight. I definitely do. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Thanks for this post, Kate. I find myself being critical of the Church often . . . even this morning in conversation with some friends. Such a great reminder that we’re ultimately not the judge and that the Church is made up of human beings who simply aren’t perfect. Jesus loved His Church. I’m called to do the same. 🙂
Off topic:
Kate, I picked up Thin Places today after reading that you loved it.
I *cannot* stop reading! LOVE it.
I’d like to thank all those who commented and shared. It helped me understand the whole church aspect a little better. Yes, I’ve been hurt and shunned..by the church…, even discriminated because I’m black. It feels so so so bad…, so painful to turn to a church because the outside world has been cruel…, and then to be treated like you don’t belong under the steeple.
At the time when it happened, I concluded that it’s better to be in the world and it was 1000000, times better for a non christian to treat me like dirt in my face…, that I could live with that because that’s how they really felt and didn’t pretend about it, but for a christian to treat you that way.., it feels like a bullet through the heart….,
I have never gone back to a church since…,… I just don’t want to get hurt again…, and “they” always say, look for a good church. what does that really mean? I thought all churches were good…?
I still have hope as I read the bible and I believe it’s the truth plus…., it’s comforting. I really love the story about the thief who died on the cross with Jesus. The one who asked for forgiveness at the last hour. Jesus forgave him…, even if his whole life he had never gone to church…, or done a list of things…., It gives me great comfort that Jesus sees me as I am and if I ask him to forgive me and live in my heart…., he accepts.
Kate, you seem to have a good church…, sometimes I wish I lived in your neighbourhood so I’d go there cos the things you share about it and your experiences are positive. Thanks for explaining though that the people who make up the church are not perfect.
I think we are told over and over by media and culture that church people are good and no one expects them to make mistakes. Now I understand that there is no perfection in christianity. I feel so much better about my experience and it helped me let go of the hurt ( not 100%) but it broke the ice.
I don’t know if I will ever find the courage to go to a church…I just hope God doesn’t take points off for that.
Anyone watching Survivor this season? A team of Villains from previous seasons is competing against the team of Heroes from previous seasons, and the Heroes weren’t doing so well. They just kept fighting amonst themselves about who was right (and righteous), while the Villains accepted that they were all bad. I see an analogy.
Thanks for writing this and for the reminders. I’m a part of a church that is about to plant and It’s challenged me to think more about how I see the church. I’ve been learning a lot about loving the church and about God’s love through a book called “The Church and the Surprising Offense of God’s love” written by Jonathan Leeman and I realize that to love CHrist, is to also love the church consistently.
your heart is so beautiful. what a perfect reflection for me with where i am at in life right now. it is so difficult to not have frustrations with the church. especially for the upcoming generation who is really trying to push the heaviness of doctrine aside (don’t get me wrong, doctrine is vitally important – i mean, it is the only way we can put into words what we think and understand of Yahweh. but we shouldn’t put God in a box and we shouldn’t turn others away because of it) and really learn to live in action like our Jesus calls us to. (i’m reading “irresistable revolution” by shane claiborne right now… it’s pretty bomb awesome-i highly recommend it.)
but seriously, kate, what an amazing and beautiful analogy. Jesus has blessed you with the way you articulate his heart for us. so thank you, my friend. how refreshing.
whoaaaa. thank you so much for this! I didn’t even consider that aspect – I am probably someone who would have tweeted something similar as your friend! but you have put this in such a different light, and for that I am thankful.