Some years ago I sat in a church and heard a pastor teach on parenting. He told a story about visiting a family with a young boy and how after talking with the parents in the living room, they entered the kitchen to find that all of the lower level cabinet doors had been removed. The parents didn’t seem ruffled at all by the sight of their preschooler holding a screwdriver or by their unhinged kitchen. But noting the pastor’s surprise at it all, the dad said, “oh, its okay. Little Billie does this all the time,” and then proudly, “He can put them back on too!”
So impacted by the mental picture I was left with, that I can still give you the gist of the message. The pastor said we should encourage the ways that God has bent our children. I thought that was pretty good and tucked it away in my mind.
Good thing too, right? I have told enough Cohen stories for y’all to understand how the Lord was probably helping me to right thinking many years in advance *grin*
Still, I think I will give you one more example…
Last Sunday a group of girls who have come out of trafficking came with the founder of Rahab’s Hideaway to our church. They came for the service and then several wonderful women from the church made this huge, gorgeous meal for Pastor’s family and Cohen and I and the girls so we could all visit.
If I haven’t mentioned it before, let me now… our morning worship can easily extend to 1p, sometimes later. I always tell newbies to bring a snack in their person just in case. We try to go by the Spirit more, the clock less…so yea, sometimes church isn’t short (and frankly, I love it- but that’s a side note)
At any rate, with church typically going long, the ladies making the huge, gorgeous dinner were not quite ready for us to eat when we came to be served a few minutes after 12 noon.
We all started pitching in. I made the lemonade. Dayna ran to get some more chicken. Someone served up the salad. At one amid the hub bub taking place in the kitchen, I heard my son’s voice. I stuck my head out the kitchen door to find him very much being himself.
He was standing on the table top, making faces at the girls and telling jokes and giggling that infectious giggle he has. And then I saw it… he went from girl to girl, kissing their cheeks and calling them ‘princess’. The natural mom in me wanted to tell him to sit down, quiet down, pipe down. But for just a moment I was able to see through the natural… my son was entertaining a group of girls who had known more pain and victimization than I can wrap my head around… my son was kissing them delightfully and calling them his nickname for those he thinks are beautiful. I looked at the girls… their eyes were dancing and they were laughing and smiling.
I went back into the kitchen, stirred 6 pitchers of lemonade and thanked God for the way He has bent my little Cohen Reid.
Isn’t it interesting that one of the struggles of adulthood is staying true to who you are? When we’re children, we just can’t help but be the most unrefined version of ourselves and then nearer to the end of our lives we can begin to return to ourselves, although hopefully somewhat more refined than when we were toddlers. I love this about older folks- they have made peace with themselves and do less editing and more saying what they really mean.
But in that bulk of our lives- the time between age 5 and age 65- we largely spend trying to “improve”. I can think of years when I tried to beat myself into having a body type that is unattainable. Sure, I can be fit and thin, but I am never going to have a stick figure frame. It is just not in my genes. I can remember trying to be more reserved and less out spoken. Sure, I could learn some temperance and self control and how to bridle my tongue more effectively, but its not in the cards for me to be quiet and timid. I wanted to be fashionable for a season; to have the right things and the right “lifestyle”. But you know what? Even when I had the money to do it, I loved nothing more than to come home and slip into some yoga pants and a tank top.
Mom says when I was little I would “try on” different personalities and that I’d ham it up. It was a funny game between she and I, but its a game that I can see at times I have carried into adulthood.
Could I be like that wife?
That mom?
That writer?
That Christian?
That woman?
I have tried on a few of these more ideal personas, but I keep coming back to me…short and curvy, outspoken and opinionated, unfashionable me who drives a ’96 Honda Accord Wagon with almost 200k miles on it.
Sometimes it helps to think of God as looking through the kitchen doorway and smiling at me just being me; loving the way He knit me together.
I mean, who wants to wait till their 65 to make peace with who they are?!?
Yesterday I started reading a book and nearly read the whole thing. It is a book on single parenting and if I didn’t see myself on every page, then I don’t know what to tell you. Seemed like writer and I have been living our lives in parallel without knowing it. Either that or she’s just that good of a writer.
I laid in bed last night, thinking about how the Lord has made me and even what I have known now for years that He has called me to. I was thinking about that bent and how I go back and forth between fighting it and ignoring it altogether.
In elementary school we wrote ourselves letters and then the school mailed them to us after we graduated from high school. I remember getting mine which said, among many other things (I was long winded even back then 🙂 ), that I wanted to be an author.
At 18, I smiled at my musings and tucked the letter away and went on to school to study Biology.
And then Psychology.
And then I planned to go to Graduate School to become a psychiatrist.
Or a counselor.
Or maybe I should go to Seminary?
so I could prepare to work at a church…
or would I rather be a professor?
Of course, I did none of the above. Instead I traveled with my sister, organizing travel and selling t-shirts. I loved our time together but when it ended and traveling with my then-husband quickly became a non-option, I was back to the same waffling.
And when my job ended late last year- yep, back to the waffling again.
Should I go back to school?
Maybe I should start a coffee shop.
Nah, maybe I should get my teaching license – that’s the most practical job for a single mom.
Maybe I just want a job that pays the bills.
Would the wisest thing just to babysit and stay home?
Waffle, waffle, waffle.
This morning I felt the gentle chiding of my Father who simply asked me why I pretend like I don’t know who I am? Why I won’t just cooperate with the way He made me?
Hmmm…. in a word, fear.
Lame, eh? Yes, very lame. So this morning I am taking stock of the time I have been given in this season when the Lord doesn’t seem too concerned about getting me a job and is instead providing for Cohen and I in a million unexpected ways. Just perhaps He is giving me the time and space to lean into that bend and to start to cooperate with who I am and what He made me for… just perhaps.
So I opened a fresh, blank Word document and started typing and I am not going to close it until the Lord says so.
What about you? Are you encouraged to be who God made you? are you working in cooperation with the way the Lord shaped an fashioned you?
This is just what I needed to be reminded of (yet again). I am so impatient trying to figure out where God wants me to be and yet he wants me right where I am! Just because I don’t have a job yet (6 years and counting since I graduated undergrad) doesn’t mean anything.
God bless you!
girl, you spoke straight to my heart with your wise words. I love the image of Co entertaining those beautiful, hurting girls with his youthful innocence and sweet heart. You are such an incredible mom, if any of your lists feel incomplete, you should know that your mothering skills inspire me DAILY. I love this YOUR heart.
I, almost daily, question my abilities as the person that I seem to be trying to be. Obviously I am in this specific place that I am for a purpose, but is there MORE that I can be doing? For my family? For the Kingdom? For my own personal communion with the Lord? How can I beat down the insecurities, the selfish fear, the ignorant mistakes that crowds my heart. When I desire to be daring, free, or “real”, I have to fight for it, because wallowing can very easily keep me hidden from community…and growth.
I so love this post. Thanks, amiga.
True. God did create us to be unique and different. Today’s culture/society has taken over shaping who we should be, or what we should do with our lives and in the process we ignore who we really were created to be by our heavenly father.
Kate, I am dumbfounded! This is the Spirit talking through you. Every word you’ve written is exactly what I’ve needed to hear these past few weeks. Bent, fear, waffling…I am moved.
Good post Kate..
so true the older I get the more I realize that all my dragons are just itty Bitty lizards… but you are right we shouldn’t wait till to discover that LOL
Kate,
From reading this and the comments left before me I think God may have placed you right where you need to be. Ministering to others through your blog… your life… your struggles. I know many single mothers who face the same issues and trials as you but many don’t have the strength and courage that you show. You truly allow Christ to shine through you and encourage others with your blog!
Hi Kate,
Thanks for those words. I will be graduating from college in less than 2 weeks, and honestly, I’m still not sure what I was made to do. Your post is the second I’ve read this week about doing what God has created us to do…I’m still trying to figure it out for myself, but I believe that He is trying to tell me something.
Kate, I cannot even begin to tell you how your blogs minister to me! This is what my sister and I have been talking about lately. I have questioned time and time again where I’m supposed to be in life even though in my heart, I’ve already felt the Lord pulling me in a specific direction. Why do i fight the current? Why don’t I just cooperate with His plan? I think it’s sometimes hard for us to believe that God made us the way we are, with our dreams and desires, for a reason. For a purpose. But I truly believe He did. And instead of trying on every other role in life I want to start breathing into who He made me to be.
I loved reading about your son, so beautiful! It’s like God used his sweet, innocent child ways to bless those precious girls.
hey i really liked this! i don’t know you or anything.. just found you while looking up some stuff about your ex-husband.. but you probably get that a lot! anyway, the story about cohen was SO CUTE.. and i just wanted to encourage you with your single parenting.. i am sure your son is going to continue to grow up to do the great things he is doing now. …take care!
I will reiterate what someone said above, the Holy Spirit totally is speaking through your blogs! I cannot tell you how often i just sit in awe after reading your blogs.
I am so thankful I came across your blog, it is a breath of fresh air!
Kate,
First of all I want you to know that this Alabama girl who randomly stumbled on your blog over a year ago spends her morning cup of Joe reading your precious insights into His word!
Secondly, this post provided a good ol’ ugly cry for me. I seriously just had this conversation (not as eloquently stated) with my husband 2 nights ago.
Thank you, thank you for sharing your humble heart and wisdom with your readers. And girlfriend, I will be the first to buy a book authored by you!
Great post, Kate. I think about these identity issues frequently. Especially because I’ve got an (unhealthy) idea that who I am is defined by, or at least influenced by, what I do for a living. Being that I’m not doing something I love, this makes for an almost daily identity crisis. My thought is that I can’t be all that God made me to be unless I’m doing what I feel he has “called” me to. For example, I can’t really be myself until I quit my sales job and start writing full time. Then there are the issues of self deprecation that come along with introspection. I have thoughts that make me believe that I am defined by the sin that entangles me. It’s a lie that cripples me constantly.
In the rare moments that I “cooperate with the person God fashioned,” I am quite content with what He has made. I realize that I am “called” to be wherever I am at the moment, and I am only defined by my likeness of Him. Thanks for the encouragement Kate!