Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

We were swimming in large pool. I thought I was going to be teaching Cohen to swim, but as it turned out, he was already a great swimmer. He dove to the bottom of the pool effortlessly and swam down on the floor like no one I had ever seen. He looks like a guppy, I thought to myself with a smile. I then noticed that the pool had no deep end- it was all deep. My feet couldn’t touch the bottom. Co was under water longer than I thought he could be, but again he labored without noticeable effort. Then I saw him struggling as he rocketed to the surface of the water. He didn’t realize he was out of air until the last second. I held him and then he dove back under, I did my best to stay above him as he swam deep to the bottom of the pool, knowing it was likely he’d again not recognize when it was time to come up for air. He zig zagged from here to there; I struggled to keep up. Then he swam right into a volleyball game happening on the other side of the enormous pool. I panicked. He bumped into legs and feet, but kept on going. I could barely make my way through the sea of bodies. The volleyball smacked down beside me.

Saturday morning I woke up to this dream. The images were as vivid as a movie, thanks to the pregnancy hormones which often make dreaming seem as real as being awake.

Some years ago I attended a Sara Groves concert with my sister and my parents. She had just released her album, The Other Side of Something. I listened as she talked about the inspiration for the songs coming almost entirely from a struggle she’d had with the Lord over her two sons. Though she was herself ready to take on whatever God asked of her, the thought that her children might suffer was unsteadying. She talked about searching the Scriptures for assurance that her children would be protected, but time after time only discovered that it was most likely that they would be hurt and maimed by life, the sin of others, their own sin and times, possibly even God. Those gut wrenching 11 songs were written as she fought these realities, finally making peace with the sovereignty and goodness of God.

Though I wasn’t a parent at the time – or even a married woman- her words resonated with me and some seven years later are still with me.

Cohen turned four last Friday… unbelievable. When you have a baby everyone tells you to enjoy it because it goes fast, but they tell you this when you’re in newborn land and days run into each other, filled with sleeplessness and feedings and dirty diapers. It is hard to believe them then, but one day you turn around a six months or a year has passed and all the little things you thought you’d never forget are starting to get fuzzy in the files of your memory.

When he woke up in our caboose cabin that morning (I will post photos at some point- so cute! an old caboose converted to a cabin in Hocking Hills) he hopped into bed with us. I had only moments earlier hopped into bed with David (the caboose only had single beds), not sure I’d even fit with my burgeoning belly. With Cohen added to the mix, we were very snug little bugs. In keeping with my mom’s tradition, I told him about the day he was born… about waking up early in the morning not feeling “right”, about how I mopped the floor and then drove myself to the hospital… about that terrifying and wonderful moment when the nurse checked me and said, “well we’re having a baby today!”… and about the moment when I heard his cry, saw his face and learned he was (as I had suspected) a boy. He ate it up. I felt like it was so near I could almost relive it for a moment myself.

The Spring does something to Cohen. This is the first year I have been able to them together enough to understand some of it. Change is a hallmark of Spring… new buds, new life, new length of days, new warmth in the air. For us, the last few Aprils have meant even more change than what naturally occurs. Three years ago, Cohen was turning one. We had his birthday on a tour bus. Though the events of how and why and what exactly have been stripped from my remembrance, there was a feeling that the marriage was salvageable and that we might be a family. A week later, the veneer on that hope cracked and began its slow 8 month crumble. His second birthday rounded out a month of changes: papers filed, a move from our own place to live with my parents, a full time job for me. Last year, he turned three weeks after the divorce was final (not that it meant any real changes to his everyday life) and we entered a new season that foreshadowed what would soon be our new reality.

There are a lot of things Cohen doesn’t know. But there are a lot of things he does know that I wish to God he didn’t. He often surprises me with his words and insight and understanding. This is a double edged sword. A friend recently encouraged me to ask Cohen about a particular circumstance to explore what he was aware of. So I did. I asked. I sat and listened as he explained a series of contexts and implications. I felt shock and sadness. Shocked at the sheer vastness of what he had gleaned from whispered conversations and words that had never been explained to him. Sad that the words had ever touched his ears, sadder still that the contexts even exist.

This year on his birthday, things are as settled as they have ever been for us. There is some unfinished business on the near horizon but by and large there is peace and calm. Some days I think Co can feel the loose ends as much as I can, though he knows little of the situation that lies ahead. We pushed it out of all our guts for a few days of birthday camping and hiking and togetherness. Cohen seemed light as a feather, giddy and full of life. David and I spoke briefly about times that this isn’t true. We sat by the smoldering campfire with cups of coffee while Co launched his hot wheels off the picnic table ramp into the woods.

I thank God for the changes that this year has brought our family… for stability and a home and expansion, for the new life inside of me, for David. I look forward with expectation to the changes that are still unfolding and are finally soon coming.

Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. Though Sara’s words in that concert struck a chord with me so long ago, I am only now intimately acquainted with the experiences of which she spoke. I know now what it is to struggle with God over your child’s well being. And, thank you Jesus, I know now what it is to find that your child is the hands of One who knows and sees and cares and is ABLE.

Sunday morning as I woke up, I remembered the dream from the morning before. David was still breathing evenly beside me. I had joked about Cohen being a guppy and the oddity of the dream the day before, but in the calm Sunday morning light, I started to see it for what it was… a tiny fear that I cannot protect him all the time had blossomed and bloomed into the silly images, as my subconscious tried to find a way to work it out. I laid there for awhile with that thought stirring until the Lord reminded me of the other side of the equation.

Two of the biggest blows in my life have come in August. August 2007 I uncovered something that turned my world upside down. And two summers later in August 2009 I learned that a horrible blow had come to my son’s life. That weeks that followed were a blur of tears and helplessness and fear. I was away overnight to do a training and I was woken early in the morning by a text from Pastor Ricks, encouraging me to read through a portion of the Psalms. I got up and did so. In those early morning hours the Lord broke my heart and allowed what had been pent up behind the flood gates to all come out. I repeated the words of Psalmist, capturing them as my own. At one point the Lord said to me that Cohen would grow strong even in his youth and then the Lord gave me the picture from Psalm 1 of the tree planted by the streams of water, whose leaf never withered and whose every endeavor prospered. I read it aloud again and again, placing my son’s name into the text, believing in my heart that it was all true of my then toddler and his future.

Though fear may want to grip my heart in these next couple of weeks, I have determined to believe God. I am determined to instead let my heart cling to His unfailing words. May God arise and His every enemy be beaten!

Even before I pregnant, David and I had felt strongly about a particular name for a son. The middle name has been a whole other story… the list of could-be middle names is still quite long and very undecided. I was going over them this morning, thinking about their meanings. The first name we’ve chosen means “eagle”. I felt like the Lord was reminding me of Isaiah 40 and naming our child with that picture of overcoming just seems right. When I named Cohen, I just liked the name. Cohen Reid. I fit; it sounded right. David loves the meaning of names and when we were first reconnecting he said something powerful about Cohen’s. Cohen is Hebrew for priest and while Reid actually means “red”, David said that Cohen was a “priest among the reeds”, referring to Moses.

Moses had some wounds, flaws, set backs. He hadn’t been unscathed by life, but he was called of God to be a deliverer to his people. This morning and in the weeks that lie ahead of us, I am nurturing these images of my son…not only is to be solid, unwavering, steady, well fed, prosperous.. but he is also purposed to be a leader and deliverer.

Whether or not my subconscious can work it all out, I know my God is more than able to accomplish all that He has begun.

So thank you God for this rainy Monday that You have breathed life into and for a season to hold fast and believe You. We covet your prayers for our family and our faith as we eagerly await the unfolding of what God has called into being. Thank you, friends


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I have been wondering why I have been consistently waking up at 3a for weeks now. Finally this morning (@3a, naturally) the reason came to me: Baby A wakes up at 3a. In the womb, babies have fairly established wake/sleep patterns that they tend to carry on after birth for several months. Seeing as Cohen wanted to sleep all day and be up all night, I don’t think I will complain about sleeping until 3a. I am telling myself this morning that I might even be able to get used to it. The house is pretty quiet at 3a and though it is pitch dark outside, it still smells like morning. [You can feel free to remind me of this when I am dying from a lack of sleep in a few months]

David has been away all weekend, at a conference for work. So I have been hearing every noise in the house, sleeping with a lamp on, and generally just feeling like incompleteness of our family is palatable without him here. He is coming home late this evening, just before Cohen’s bedtime. Of course, Cohen keeps running to the window, sure he’s heard the car pull up… I think it is fair to say we’ve missed him.

I cannot help but marvel a little that this time last year, David and I were just old friends exchanging catch up messages on facebook. What a difference a year can make, huh? We’ve been married now just over 6 months and more than half way to meeting our son who will be born this summer. It almost doesn’t seem possible for things to turn around so drastically in four short seasons (well, not that winter in Ohio is particularly short, but you know what I mean).

I found a stack of books in an unopened box a few weeks ago, none of them I had read and I barely recognized any of the titles. Then I saw the Big Lots $3 sticker on the bindings and had to smile at myself. I purchased a stack books that looked mildly interesting at least two years ago, mostly because they were $3. And here they were. I went through them again. Most of them I ended up donating to the Goodwill, but a few made it to the already overly crowded bookshelf in our sitting room.

Early this morning I fumbled around, looking for something to read and came upon a book I am surprised I would’ve bought two years again, all circumstances considered, titled “The Marriage Benefit”. The cover art is atrocious, but the writer seemed credible enough (Professor of Clinical Psychology who teaches at Harvard Medical School and Cambridge Hospital). So I opened it up and read the forward and the first chapter. Tears ran down my face reading the stories of those who had made it and those who had not. I am sure I am more sentimental this weekend with David gone than I normally would be (oh yea- and I am an emotional preggo), but something really did strike a chord inside of me: I could identify with the writer on the important benefits of being married.

I could never have understood this book two years ago.

Two years ago, I was just embarking on a journey into the awful reality of divorce. Since that time, I have spoken to many women whose marriages have been marred by infidelity or abuse or have become unbearable due to godlessness or selfishness or mean-spiritedness… and in every case, I have warned them that they have to be 100% convinced God has directed them to file. Why? Well, not just because that’s right (though it is) but because it takes that kind of conviction to keep moving forward a process as daunting and horrifying as divorce. Had I not known deep in my heart what I had to do, I couldn’t have followed through on it. It was too painful; to uncertain.

Two years ago, I was just beginning to make peace with the fact that I was going to actually be a divorced woman; a single mom. I was just working through the disappointment and learning to battle the shame and just starting to know the gravity of all that had been the catalyst to get me where I then was. I was just beginning to understand the value of not explaining myself or defaming another. I was re-evaluating what it means to be a Christian and a divorcee. I was learning who God is like I never had before.

My reality was divorce and my thoughts were often there. I can remember then how just the thought of marriage turned my stomach; how I could never imagine myself opening up to another man…ever. It was the most foreign idea on the planet. The only thing I could visualize was Co and I, in our little house, figuring out how to make it work…

This same little house that now feels stale and empty without David.

This same house where now I am up long before the sun, reading about how long-term relationships make us better… how “finding freedom through our limitations” can literally be a salvation… how “the most direct path to freedom lies in remaining true to our commitments”… and here I am with a tear stained face because I now experientially know just how true and right that is.

When David and I reconnected last Spring, we wrote back and forth for almost two months before meeting up on May 23 for the first time in seven years. I was nervous and excited about seeing such a dear friend after such a sizable passage of time. He got up, got ready and made it to Bellefontaine before realizing he was an hour early for our already early morning meeting. I had this feeling the week that led up to that Sunday morning that I would know instantly whether or not there was anything more than friendship to be rekindled. We walked around my neighborhood while the sun rose, went to breakfast at Bob’s, and then to church. We ate lunch with my family, took all the kiddos to the park, and spent the day just visiting. When he left that evening long past dinner, I realized I didn’t want him to leave… ever. It might sound weird to say, but I really did know just as I had expected I might.

Only three months later we got engaged and 6 weeks after that we were married. It felt like a whirlwind in a lot of respects, but in more ways it just felt right. We had our share of arguments (and at least one really good knock-down-drag-out fight) while we worked tirelessly on the house and David drove back and forth and we planned and executed a wedding in the quickest fashion. I also got to really see David like I had never seen him before. I saw what he was like when he was stressed- that his even tempered, measured nature was not ruffled. I got to experience the steadfastness of his love for God. Everything he put his hand to was done the right way, even if that meant it was painstakingly slow and accurate. I saw his gentleness toward me, no matter my state of mind or how I was emoting. I saw his playfulness and patience with Cohen, who never tired of any game and rarely ran out of steam.

On that gorgeous Saturday in September I walked down the aisle without a single doubt in my mind. I had not one misgiving or question or even the tiniest bit of hesitation. I knew this man loved me and that I loved him and that our love for God was real. I knew that I didn’t want to spend one more day living apart from him.

Friends of mine who had remarried warned me that I should expect to feel a host of emotions after the wedding. One told me about how she woke up on her honeymoon next to her husband (who happens to be a wonderful man) and just wanted to RUN. She almost had a panic attack thinking about how she had married again after all she had been through in her marriage and divorce. I listened to her and took it to heart. I would remind myself of that when those feelings came on me.

But they didn’t… for nearly two months. When I was happy and good and getting along just fine right after the wedding and even transitioning back to real life of work and chores and parenting, I thought maybe I had side stepped any of those bad feelings. That’s probably why I was blindsided and almost taken out when the past hit me like a freight train in November.

I was out to coffee with a dear friend and we were talking about our husbands (which is what women do- right ladies?) Somewhere in the conversation, she mentioned how as soon as she met David she knew he was for me. But then she slipped in that until that point she was sure I was going to end up with this other guy. We kept drinking coffee late into the evening, chatting about lots of other things. The comment to her was nothing more than an innocent observation, inserting into the conversation without much meaning.

But it derailed me.

That evening I tossed and turned in my bed, next to my sleeping husband, while the Enemy taunted me with thoughts about whether or not I had made the right decision. Had been hasty? I started to wonder who else thought I was supposed to marry the other guy…I even wondered if Pastor thought I had made a mistake, though clearly he had been for David and I’s marriage and told me so on many occasions. I started sinfully to wonder if the other person had been better suited to me after all and the Enemy was eager to point out this or that to back up my fear. I was rocked.

Over the next few weeks, it started to hit me, like it hits all newly married persons at some point… this is forever. You know how pop songs love to throw that word around and it sounds so enchanting? Well, the sound of it when you’re grappling with the reality of a lifetime commitment is more like the locking of a sound proof steel door. I mourned in my heart the loss of my singleness. Here I had just gotten out of a bad marriage, fought for a year and spent all of my money to finalize the end of it, and now I was trapped again. I couldn’t shake that feeling… that somehow I was trapped. The world had been my oyster. My time had been my own. I could spend evenings at the church cafe, hanging out with the twenty-something crowd, doing what I wanted. And now I was a wife. I felt like I had lost something without even realizing it. How could I have been so eager to let it all go?

On the outside, I was just snappy and crabby and cold. I didn’t tell David what was going on… how I was trembling at the thought of being back where I had been five years before… There were times I wanted to tell him, but I was paralyzed in fear. I couldn’t speak. I could tell he knew something was going on, but he gave me the courtesy of not probing or exposing me. Instead he kissed me goodbye for work, held onto me whenever I would reluctantly let him, and he remained the same, totally unchanged and unfettered by my state of being. He was still even tempered and measured, steadfast in his love of God, full of integrity, gentle with me and patient with Cohen. I should have been moved by that alone, but instead all I could see what wasn’t.

Then in January one night I had a dream that was sad in a way that few things are to me. I woke up weeping and hurried to the bathroom, not wanting to share my grief. Honestly, not even knowing how. When I couldn’t pull it together, I resolved to going back to bed and crying as softly as I could. I was only in the room a moment before I realized David was awake; that he had been awake. I felt like someone had pulled back the covers on my most naked emotions. I wished for him to be asleep, to not care, to just leave me alone. Pride and fear pretending to be independence took up their usual residence as I tried not to let him in. But when he asked in his genuinely tender way, “Babe, are you crying? are you okay?” something in me couldn’t hold out one more second. I laid my head on his chest and sobbed. I didn’t tell him anything. The paralysis was still clamping my words shut, but I let him near.

It felt good; it felt awful. I was relieved; I was terrified. I felt safe; I felt embarrassed.

But when I woke up in the morning, eyes swollen (I am an ugly crier- I blame it on Mom) the power of what had been hanging over me had been broken. All that dark brooding and the lies and the regrets where diminished effortlessly in comparison to the oneness I had felt (uncomfortable as it was) with my husband the night before.

I eventually told him some version of most of that and as the weeks unfolded, I could see just how right it was for us to be together. In telling him, I found out what I never expected: he had battled some similar thoughts about the loss of his singleness too. Suddenly all the lies the Enemy had been telling me were now clearly paper thin— flimsy at best. That realization brought a solidness to my being that I had never known before. If you’ve ever read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, then you know what I mean by “solidness”. The dead (who don’t know their dead) on a journey are transparent and see-through and not real until truth begins to fill them like a child coloring in the black and white pages of a coloring book.

It happened again a few mornings ago after I had written this post. I had been writing into the wee hours of the morning, working out some sadness and anger. David woke up around 7am and while we were eating breakfast, I started to share with him. I wanted to share with him. (It is startling how quickly wounds can heal when mended correctly) I started to detail what I had read and how I felt, but ended up only choking out words between sobs. I could’ve told anyone else without shedding a tear or wanting to, but in front of my husband I found it impossible to be anything but emotionally exposed. For maybe one of the first times in my life (after all, not everything ugly originated with a bad marriage and divorce) I found myself weeping without even the desire to stop and pull it together. David got out of his chair and came and held me and I just got down to the dirty business of baring my soul without editing a word. I knew some of it was raw, a lot of what I was feeling was wrong, and that most of it was ugly. I also knew (and know) that he sees me and loves me, all my flaws and hurts and sensitivities included. There is a newly resurrected safety for me in his unwavering affection.

One of the passages in the book that gave words to what had been true of my life says this, “they had a highly creative means of avoiding both each other and their deepest fears.” I cannot tell you how that resonates with my memories; how that distance had fed in me a self protectiveness that went far beyond my natural inclinations. I can remember the only time I had ever really felt married before… pregnant and sitting in front of the television together watching the news and eating cereal. It sticks out in my mind the sorest of recollections because of its isolation. It wasn’t a particularly important moment, nothing was said, but I felt married. And that was it. The worst part is that in those days, it was some of the best of what I had known and I remember how happy it had made me feel. On this side of the equation, that is the saddest part.

Marriages don’t end because of irreconcilable differences. It just isn’t true that marriages end because people were a certain age when they married or because they grew apart or because they made mistakes. Everyone makes millions of mistake and no two persons are just alike or grow together without the conviction to do so.

And certainly marriages don’t end because you only felt married once while eating cereal. But in a odd way I think I am beginning to see that somehow contrarily marriages really are made by midnight sob sessions and the strength that comes to the soul when it is tangibly better to be naked and unashamed with each other rather than to maintain an ideal sense of self. It may not be perfect, but it is real.

I am learning that marriage isn’t all about romance and passion and ideals that media pushes on us. It is not even about happiness or having an increasingly better marriage as much as it is about the potential for real transformation in our own lives. Marriage can make us better as people, even when or maybe especially when it is hard and things don’t go as planned and it is not easy and the demands on us feel unfair. Maybe marriage is at it’s best when it restricts us, defines limitations, exposes our sin, and calls us to die to ourself in favor of becoming what God has already declared us to be: ONE.

My fears about being limited to one person forever were bound to the idea that it was an intrinsically miserable experience. They were tied to old feelings and experiences and wounds. Like the world all around me (just with a spiritual facade) I had felt crushed and trapped by the commitment I had made. And that’s because I failed to see something vital… that in the same way God calls me to a limited life by making a covenant with me and making me His and then expecting me to live like it, marriage has those same surprisingly freeing demands. It goes against human thinking to assume that living within limitations could bring freedom. But all you had to do is try it to know that things are not often as they seem to be.

I can remember a season when called me to give up some things that I hadn’t before considered bad or had any conviction about. The requests were not about whether or not I was saved or good, but just a simple matter of obedience. I only obeyed because I knew it was wrong not to. It was only months later that I realized all the newfound freedom I was walking in had everything to do with allowing the Lord to refine my boundaries and convictions. He had narrowed the scope of what was profitable to me to show me all that I had to gain by living a more single-minded lifestyle. Not that an occasional glass of wine or a drive with the radio on are sending anyone to hell, but for me letting those things go opened up time for worship and more reliance on God for my unwinding.

My marriage to God became sweeter with obedience and sacrifice and restrictions. Why not expect the same to be true in the natural realm of marriage?

“Marriage helps us find freedom in limitations. The most direct path to freedom lies in remaining true to our commitments.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Enjoy your Sunday, friends. You know I will.. church and sunshine and then my sweet husbands’ return to us this evening.

Be blessed.

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You know how it is when you are on the internet working on one thing and then you click on this link that leads to that link that leads you somewhere you probably should not be. Well I started to read something that simultaneously made my blood boil on my own behalf and crushed my heart for my son… and then I stopped reading; clicked it all off; closed the laptop.

I sat for awhile, creating in my mind thinly veiled tweet after thinly veiled tweet. How to say it without actually saying it in 140 characters or less.

Then somewhere in the midst of the angst I only feel when I disobey God’s command to keep my eyes on Him alone, the Spirit conquered over the whining and fist-raising nature of my flesh. I felt my weak inward groans gathering real strength from the Presence of my Salvation. Jesus, always save me from my desire to be my own defender!

If you’ve ever had to really crucify your flesh and die a deeper death than at times feels possible, then you know it requires more than spiritual awareness and wishful thinking. The only thing that works for me to stay free once Truth has made me free, is to entirely refocus my heart. If Jesus enables me to conquer the longing of my flesh and then I don’t quickly get myself in worship and thinking about all He is and all He has done, I will easily be taken back over.

David has been the last in our family to get the flu so he nibbled on dinner and then headed to bed early, stocking cap on so he can “cook out the germs”. Cohen and I cuddled the evening away. He’s been very emotional today. We sat across the kitchen table this evening having the kind of grown up discussion no parent should ever have to navigate with their 3 year old. His little chin never really stopped quivering and he needed a fairly permanent spot on my diminishing lap for the remainder of the evening. Now he’s fast asleep on the couch adjacent to me, covered with his favorite Superman sheet. (We’re sleeping downstairs, containing the nasty flu bug to the second floor-we don’t want to do more than one round of it!)

All of that to say, I am now awake and alone with my thoughts. Wouldn’t the Enemy just love to tempt me! Sometimes I more tangibly experience the war Paul described in Galatians 5:17 when he wrote, “the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another”. This raw truth is foundational evidence for Paul’s plea one verse before, “But I say, walk and live [habitually] in the [Holy] Spirit [responsive to and controlled and guided by the Spirit]; then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh (of human nature without God).”

Oh how the Enemy would love for me strangle me with angry thoughts and drag me back to the kind of brooding that feasts on itself and is never satiated! How he would love plant words in my mind and get me to feel the defeat that is rightly only his! And if he couldn’t coerce me into outright rebellion, he’d settle for my unplugging and watching something mind numbing on Netflix…

So instead of giving him an inch to do his work of killing/stealing/destroying, I am going to rehearse the innate Goodness of the Lord and how His faithfulness has undergirded my life and made it overflow with His abundance.

Tonight I got to hold my precious son on my lap while he fell asleep (after claiming he’d forgotten how to 🙂 ) I rubbed his back and watched his almond shaped eyes slowly close, the smile on his face fade into ease of sleep, and his breathing become deep and even. The Lord continues to remind me of the promises He has undeniably spoken about Cohen’s providential life. He will be like a tree planted by streams of waterHe will be whole and solid and unwavering. Though many arrows have been aimed in his direction, I can see how the Lord is already making good on His promise to reroute any weapon intended for my his life. On paper, the account and happenings of his life shouldn’t add up to a well adjusted little boy, but it does. On paper, the account and happenings of his life shouldn’t add up to a little boy who effortlessly taps into the things of God, but he does.

Superbowl Sunday this year, Cohen and I were driving to our home from my parents’ at half time. “Mom, I wish God was real,” Cohen said with a sigh.

“Honey, He IS real,” I assured him, knowing that line between real and not real is blurry for children who want to believe in Santa and Spiderman.

“Then, why can’t He come out of the clouds so I can see Him?” he asked bluntly. We talked about how God is everywhere with us and not just in the clouds and how we can feel Him and talk to Him and hear Him even though we can’t see Him with our eyes or touch Him with our hands. I wasn’t sure if Co would be able to follow the conversation, but as usual, his childlike understanding of God humbled me.

“When I talk to God, why can’t I hear Him, Mom? How do I talk to Him and hear Him?” I did my best to explain how God can speak to our hearts and how we can know its Him.

“Mom, I want to talk to God in my heart. How does He get in there?” asked my wide-eyed preschooler. So we talked about that and I refocused the rear view mirror to look at him. He understood. I pulled over and prayed with Cohen as he told Jesus he wanted to talk to Him forever and that He could come in.

It was an indescribable moment. While I choked back tears, Cohen called Grandma and David to tell them about how Jesus was living in his heart. He got it.

Faithfulness, friends… that’s God working ALL things together for Good.

Last year at this time, I was one day past the final divorce decree. I was living with my parents, still unemployed after being laid off 5 months before, wondering how in the world I would get my house livable for Cohen and I. The Lord asked me to give Him a season of my time. I had no idea all that He was working out for me! Sometimes I feel like Job- getting back multiple times more what had been lost…

Tonight I am sitting in that very livable house that is getting an addition this spring and a porch and privacy fence for our comfort. In this space, I have everything I need and many things I have just wanted. I have a job that allows me to fulfill a lifetime longing to work with young moms. I am close to paying off all of the debt the divorce left me with. My refrigerator is full. We have two working cars parked in the driveway. When bills come, I open them without anxiety because I know I can pay them. The Lord has by His unmatched power delivered me from depression, anxiety and bitterness. In my womb, fluttering and flipping and kicking all day is my second son, who is big and healthy and strong. I once thought I might never have the pleasure of bringing another child into the world or giving Cohen a sibling, but not even a year later, that is happening.

Upstairs asleep is my husband, the kind of man I wish every woman could share their life with. David exemplifies to me in big and in small ways, what God meant when He drew the parallel of a bride and Bridegroom to help us understand His love. Every day I encounter David’s unbending kindness and his joyful pursuit of me and I learn. I learn more of who Jesus is and how He feels about me and just how much I really do love Him because He first loved me. I have now the marriage I could have only dreamt about. I have a husband who, without fanfare, loves Jesus and lives righteously.

Abundance. Overflow. Fullness.

And best of all? I hear the Lord speaking to and influencing my person in much the same simple way I explained it to Co in the car that day. He whispers and stills any fear of what will be. He reminds me of what He’s already said. He breaks my heart with worship while I am in the car or folding laundry. His correction reminds me that I am His. Like a daily baptism, He helps me to identify my own deaths to His sacrifice and the resurrection of my spirit man with His overcoming. He reminds me that to obey is sweeter than to sacrifice. He renews, revives, restores… He continues to breath new life into what was.

Jesus, You are Good and Your love endures FOREVER.

Tonight, may my thoughts meditations on You be unshakable…immovable…undistractable…

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I won’t pretend we live a rock star life here in the metropolis of Bellefontaine. [Because clearly that would be the assumption *grin*] Usually our weeks are predictable, punctuated by “big events” like a walk to the park or Co’s gymnastics class. And frankly, we like it that way.

But this week… well, this week is a Big Week of Big Things. [descriptive title, eh?]

First day official of Spring (hallelujah!) aaaannnd Cohen’s pre-kindergarten screening. He is oh-so-very excited. He keeps calling it his “test” and asking me if he really has to count to ten. The boy is so stinkin smart its crazy, but he pretty much has refused to learn to count. I mean why learn those logical, rote skills when you can sing and make up stories and build things? Right? So since we can never get him to finish a count to ten, I suppose we will learn tomorrow if he cannot do it or just won’t for us.

Since I am sure K-4 screening cannot be too hard for Co to pass and since I am not one of those tiger moms, I am not sweating it. Now the parental interview taking place for us while Co is at screening…? Well that’s another story. Cohen is going to attend the local Christian school and they require this interview as a part of the enrollment process. I keep wondering what in the world they are going to ask us? and if we will measure up as good parents, never mind good Christians? I am wishing Co and I could switch like Freaky Friday cause I know I can count to ten. In three languages.

Oh- and Monday I get my second of 16 progesterone shots to keep this little bambino inside my womb until he/she is done cooking. The nurse – and everyone else- was quick to assure me the shots would hurt and that I would at least bruise and be stiff for two days after getting them. Oh, and that I’d likely have a splitting headache for 24 hours. Last week? Nothing. No stinging from the 2″ long needle in my hip. No stiffness. No headache. Praying it was not beginner’s luck.

I am getting my hair did, friends. Not that a trip to the salon is really earth shattering news… unless you only do it like twice a year. And yes, I only do it like twice a year. Because a cut and color isn’t cheap. And I am cheap thrifty frugal. The best part? I know I want to do something drastic (after all, who wouldn’t after 6 months of no change?) so I have no idea if I am going to come home with way blond hair and a shoulder length bob or chestnut color with long Bohemian layers. Feel free to cast your vote.

My very adorable, hard working, and extremely deserving husband has an interview for a big promotion in the morning. Seriously… if you think about it pray for God’s favor for him. I have never known a more diligent, steadfast, hardworking man of integrity in my life. I am asking God to honor David’s faithfulness by allowing his hard work to be acknowledged.

Family date day… I have banked some hours at work so I can take the day off. All of our plans are secret. Cohen keeps asking me what we’re doing, but I am not even going to type it out here because for all I know the boy who won’t count to ten might secretly be able to read. Lord knows he can navigate the computer better than me already. But I will update you after the fact because it is going to be massively fun.

And apart of the massive fun that will be Thursday…? TWO ULTRASOUNDS. One will be like ever other routine monthly internal ultrasound I have had and will until I am no longer preggo [gotta love high(er) risk pregnancies]… But the other is our 20 week developmental ultrasound where we will get to really SEE the baby. I am feeling SO much movement these days, I cannot wait to see how he/she performs “on screen”. I remember Co’s 20 week ultrasound and how magical it was… can’t wait!

We’re still not sure if we’re going to find out the baby’s gender or not… my vote is for the surprise but David would like to know and it has to be all or nothing. If he found out and I didn’t, I would be able to tell from his face right away. Cohen thinks he gets to “decide” what we’re having… Since everyone keeps asking him, “are you having a brother or sister?” he has it in his head that he gets to put in an order or something…I hope its not like the dump truck fiasco at Christmas. On Christmas Eve we went to my grandpa’s and he had invited a local Santa Clause to come for the great-grandkids. Cohen hopped up on Santa’s lap and said he wanted a remote controlled monster truck. Not that he had ever mentioned it before that exact moment. So, Christmas morning he asked why Santa forgot the remote controlled dump truck??? And, friends, he is still asking. So let’s just hope Cohen and God have “decided” the same thing about this little baby.

Unbelievably Friday is David and I’s 6 month anniversary. I keep thinking how in some ways it feels like we just got married last weekend and then in other ways it feels like we’ve been together a lifetime already. There is too much to say about that in a paragraph update. [In other words, be expecting a blog Friday if not before]

I am turning 30! I swore that I would never be one of those women who mourned her birthday, no matter what the number on the cake is… and I can honestly say that I am excited about entering a new decade. My twenties were hard in a lot of ways… good too, especially when it comes to Cohen and David… but I have a feeling my thirties are going to be so much sweeter.

CHURCH. Always a highlight. Today’s sermon was particularly spot-on. You can listen by clicking here and choosing “I Agree” Parts 1 & 2. Oh, but don’t mind us- we laugh a lot at church 🙂 Looking forward to what God has to say at the end of our very eventfully (possibly even a little bit rock star?) week.

Okay friends… heading to bed. Will be checking in.

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So, words are not coming so easy for me right now. A few have suggested that maybe it is “pregnancy brain”… so I tried to think about being pregnant with Co… was my writing spurred on by the pregnancy or inhibited? And you know what? I couldn’t remember. (Exhibit A? Perhaps)

Other possible blame holders are as follows:
-sickness [I finally stopped being nauseous last week… and then promptly got strep throat.]
-processing a lot of private info not fit for the the world wide web [though I love you bloggy friends dearly]
-time [sometimes the question is: should I complete morning hygiene or blog? or should I eat breakfast or blog? or should I sleep or blog? or should I read my Bible or blog? so currently though I have not written much… my clients, the tiny person growing inside of me, my tired body, and Jesus thank you for taking one for the team.]

Still, the lack of blogging should not be mistaken for a lack of stuff going on in our lives…. no, sir! I can honestly say that my life has never been so full or so good. More mornings than not, I find myself sitting at the kitchen table eating steel-cut oats and sipping tea with my enviably sweet husband while Cohen entertains us with his songs, dances, or “shows”, wondering is this really my life? Could it really be this beautiful and simple? And somehow it is. [And by “somehow” I mean, of course, thanks to Jesus]

It is not perfect, naturally. We have spats. Sometimes he’s tired from a pressing week at work. Sometimes I am overly emotional and reactionary. Sometimes Cohen doesn’t sleep for days on end. Sometimes the mail comes and it is all bills. Sometimes my clients all decide to all fall apart the same week. Sometimes one of our dogs runs out in the yard, cuts her side 8″ long and 3 layers deep, and we have to spend $300 we weren’t expecting to.

It is not perfect, but it is good.

Yesterday it was sunny without a cloud in the sky. After two weekends of rain forcing us to cancel our plans, we were able to have a work day in our “yard”. The excavator came Friday evening and when David, Co, and I got home from our Whole Foods run [ps- don’t want to cook dinner? Just go to Whole Foods on a Friday evening- samples galore! Co said, “Mom, this is the BEST grocery story ever!”] there it sat in the yard. I thought both of my boys were going to have a hard time going to sleep just knowing that piece of machinery was on our property.

We got up around seven and I tidied the house while the boys started learning the excavator. I took off for an hour or so to have prayer with Mom, Aunt Deb, my cousin Emily, and few friends at the church. When I returned, my in-laws were in the yard with work gloves on, our dear friend Nick was loading his truck with the debris and my husband was digging out some giant stumps left behind when the dead trees and out of control bushes were cut down to make room for the… well, house.

our house before any yard work- can you even see the house for all the overgrown bushes & untrimmed trees?

Work was in full swing, which was good cause I have big plans for this yard between now and when this baby arrives. [think: siding, a wrap around front porch, patio, pergola, privacy fence, garden, playground, and yes- even grass 🙂 ]

The day went pretty much that way from there on out. We lost Nick to his wife for a few hours (but kept the dump truck 🙂 ), gained my brother in law Tim and my brother Matt and my mom in the afternoon, and just kept at it only stopping briefly for lunch. Our yard is just under a half acre and with 60+ stumps to be removed and truckloads of ivy to ball up, we made a serious dent in the project, getting more than half way through the yard.

Here are some photos of the yard before we touched it so you get an idea of where we started two years and some 30 truckloads of brush ago:

side yard by the road, not that you could see the road!

front "yard" (zero sunlight!)

there were more than 10 of these horrid bushes around the house!

ivy choked 10 trees in the yard! the stone wall is behind all of that brush

our yard is more than 70' wide, but only 20' was usable due to the brush (all ivy & poison & thorns)

I found that though I love yard work [especially if I get to use a chainsaw], I wasn’t much help. That whole no-heavy-lifting-or-twisting-from-the-middle-pregnancy-thing kept me from the kind of work I normally love to get deep into. Around the same time I had that realization, I also realized how awesome it would be to have Yard Crashers come with a crew and complete a massive project in two days! What is wrong with those people who turn down the help at their local home improvement store? Seriously? I am willing to bet they have never tackled a half acre of space that has been overrun by various kinds of ivy.

But I digress.

One side of our yard has an old (and somewhat dilapidated) stone wall. On top of the wall were growing these ugly, unkempt vines and bushes. Unable to reach our neighbor (her daughter rents the place), we weren’t sure if the wall and ugliness atop it was ours or hers and the surveyor wanted $350 to tell us. So midway through the afternoon we just decided to hack it all down. David and I have had many conversations in the past week about that mess of vines… I wondered if they wanted the privacy that it provided. David assumed that if it were theirs, they would have at least trimmed it. Eventually Saturday afternoon we decided that we would assume responsibility for the mess (by hacking it down, mind you) and then if they wanted the privacy back we would plant something in its stead… something, you know, attractive.

our stone wall w/ the ugly on top of it

the wall sans ugly growth... still in process, but so much better!

My goal was to have it all down (all 175+ foot of it!) and cleaned and the neighbors side raked up before she got home. While I was inside helping my mother in law make dinner, I saw her car drive up and have to go through her yard to get past our truck, which was still parked there.


David hopped the wall and headed over to talk to her. I was so busy when he came in that I didn’t ask how it went. So he made up his plate and we got a call from the owner and he headed back over. I stayed inside. After all, I am pregnant, right? And he’s the calm, diplomatic one in the relationship anyway. He was out there for a solid half an hour. I kept peeking out the window, thinking I should go over but then realizing I had a house full of people.

As it turns out she has no idea if the wall is ours or hers either, but she’s been mowing under that mess and not trimming it for years because she didn’t want to mess with something that was her neighbors and upset someone. She was thrilled to have it all gone. And apparently she told David her whole life story and her daughter’s to boot. Which made his dinner cold and stomach growl, but also let me know that our neighbor is a single gal in her late twenties who is going through a separation. I think I will be making my way over there soon. So, the moral of this story is: talk to your neighbors.

Funny how something as practical as yard work can uncover ministry, isn’t it?

The evening ended with homemade cooking, leftover Subway from lunch and pizza. My dad and three of my five brothers, my in laws, my brother in law, and our dear friends Nick and Bethny were all lounging and eating and laughing. Joe, Josh and Cohen were building lego airplanes in the toy room. Dad and Paul (father in law) were sitting in the kitchen talking man stuff. My brother Matt was eating us out of house and home 🙂 Nick, David and Tim (brother in law) were joking around and laughing like men who needed to after a day of physical labor. Bethny, Debbie (mother in law) and I were talking pregnancy and babies and grandparents and giggling about Bethny’s parents who have already bought a crib and pack-n-play (she’s 11 weeks preggo with their first grandchild). Only hours earlier, Aaron, Beck and her parents had stopped by to introduce Hudson to everyone. I sat there, surrounded by so many people I love, eating the casserole Debbie made, thinking that somehow this is the life I always dreamed of possessing.

…and this morning, just one day from the first day of Spring, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. What more could a woman want?

Thank you Jesus!

Well I need to get ready for church… I hope where you are the day feels as pregnant with possibility as it does here! Happy Sunday friends!

*more yard photos coming when its more “done”- right now even though there is a lot of progress, it looks all torn up and muddy so its hard to tell*

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The Big 3-0 !

… and no, not me! I will not be 30 for another 2 months and 14 days (not that I am counting, mind you 😉 ) Today is my sweet hubby’s 30th birthday!

We stayed up late last night (and by late, I mean I was drifting off to sleep reading a Flannery O’Connor story before 11p) and watched The Social Network. It was an interesting enough flick to keep me awake all but a few minutes somewhere near the middle. Cohen woke up twice once we had gone to bed. We were discussing the state of the Church and had our lights on, so it was probably our fault seeing that his bedroom is just across the hall. All sleepy-eyed, he toddled into our room to snuggle and then when it was time for him to go back to bed, he was hungry. And thirsty. And cold. And scared. And couldn’t I just read him another story? When that didn’t work, he tried to just keep talking… about presents, and Aunt Debbie’s house, and the game Uno. We couldn’t help but chuckle. Eventually he went to sleep and the rustling over his transportation-themed blanket lulled to a stop. A moment later as I was a few pages into a story about Enoch (one of O’Connor’s recurring characters) and a man in a gorilla suit, David was breathing evenly and heavily. I laid the book down open on my chest and looked around our little room, which happens to be the most unfinished room in the house. I thought about how truly good my life is and much I have to be grateful for… Thank God, and thank God for using David to bring so much of that goodness into fruition.

Many of you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting or really knowing my husband… but can I just tell you for a few moments how wonderful he is? He has uprooted his life from a community he had lived in for over 12 years, changed churches, left his very finished condo to live in our house that needed so much work (much of it that he did), he more than doubled his drive time to and from work every day… and that just the tip of the iceberg. Taking on a single mom and her three year old is no small feat…not that he ever looked at it that way, but it is still the truth. He has done all this and more, with a smile on his face and the kind of steadiness and courage that would make any woman swoon and any man show respect.

David personifies the scripture, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” He is reassuring, calm, and kind even under the most intense pressure (aka, my pregnant emoting). Even with working a full time job and tacking on hours of driving to every day, he is never unwilling to change a load of laundry or put away the dishes or take Cohen to gymnastics if I don’t feel well. Maybe more than any person I have ever known, David walks out selflessness. He’s never too tired or taxed or stressed to do the right thing or put us ahead of his own needs or wants… and the best part? There is never a guilt trip or a begrudging attitude on the other side.

Case in point: Last Friday was our night without Cohen. He was having a boy sleep over at my Mom’s. Starting a marriage with a little one means you don’t really get much alone time before 8p. We wouldn’t trade him for all the tea in China. And still sometimes an evening sans kiddo is refreshing. This was our night to hang out, rent a movie, go out- something. Only one problem- I got fiercely ill. I am still not sure if it was 24 hr flu or if I got food poisoning, but the fact that it is in question tells you just how sick I was. It wasn’t pleasant. I laid on the couch, getting sick for over 12 hrs straight. David never complained. Instead he took up residence on the floor with a blanket so he could be close to me in case I needed anything. When I was scared about getting dehydrated, he went out in the cold at midnight to get gatorade to ease my nerves about ending up in the hospital a dehydrated and pregnant. Pastor says marriage is first and foremost a ministry: my husband lives that better than most.

This morning while Cohen and I were baking and icing David’s cake, it hit me that a year ago today he first sent me a facebook message. It was our first contact in years. Kind of amazing what can happen in a year, isn’t it?!?! Last year I was in a holding pattern, wondering a lot of things.. like if I would ever be loved…remarry… if I would ever have the privilege of another child… if my house would ever really be finished… if I would get a job before unemployment ran out… how Co and I would make it… if Co would be okay.. And now I can see the hand of the Lord in working that all out- Starting with a simple ‘hey how in the world are you?’ message from the man who would pursue me and loved me like I always wanted, who just happened to be up at midnight on his 29th birthday wondering what had become of that girl he met at church camp.

I am sure he had as little idea as I did how this year would unfold, but I hope its been the happiest of rides. So happy birthday to my sweet David Paul Andre on his 30th birthday. May this year bring as many wonderful and unexpected twists and turns in the story that God is weaving through your life!

Your very grateful wife

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Blown Away…

Yep…blown away by this short version of our wedding video… thank you so much to Ryan and Bethany Speiers of Effulgence Photography!


David & Kate – Wedding from Effulgence Cinema on Vimeo.

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