Why Sunday mornings are always a fiasco, I don’t know. But sometimes I get the sneaking suspision there might be a force against my attempts to get to church.
Cohen had a rough night Saturday (but got that second tooth in! yeah!) so we slept in a little later than usual. I got him up, washed, and dressed him and hopped into the shower myself. Now since he’s into everything, I usually set him (along with some favorite toys) in the bathroom with me and close the door. I peek out of the shower and play a little game with him while I am shampooing to make sure he’s not into anything. I kept having to get him out of the lower cabinet and then reminded myself to move everything out of it as soon as possible. The third time I peeked out, my boy was playing in the toilet. No joke. I jumped out of the shower, got his hands out, stripped him down again, and put him in the shower with me. I was so disgusted, it was all I could do not to scrub him down with Lysol. After I had washed him up, we got out. Which, if you have never tried to get out of the shower with a slippery, chubby baby and somehow get the both of you dried off without completely soaking the bathroom floor, I have no words to accurately describe the debacle to you! *grin* I got dressed, dried my hair, put on enough make up to look human and got Cohen dressed and in his car seat. I started the car and then went to let the dogs out quickly. I let the puppies out first and put them up and then let the adult dogs out. Since the area is fenced, I went back in to tend to Cohen, who was screaming about the car seat restraints. I no more get him calmed and in the car, when I realize: the dogs have escaped! Sawyer, usually the rotten one, was still in the enclosure, but Jetti and Tucker were across the field sniffing around the barn. I called for them and they looked up lazily and then continued sniffing. I ran in and got treats, but still they refused to come. So, in the snow, in my church clothes, I traipsed across the field and lured them back into the house. Finally, all the dogs were safe in the house, and I got back into the car now ten minutes late for church. My relief was met with a horrible smell… you only have to be a mom for about ten minutes to be able to smell when your child has not only gone to the bathroom, but completely soiled their clothes. Sure enough, Cohen had messed his pants so bad that even in the car seat, he had managed to get it in his hair. If it hadn’t been so disgusting, it might have been amazing. I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say, he had another shower and another new set of clothes and we got to church at 10:40, 40 minutes late.
I thought about not going but I am so glad I fought through the ohmygosh-everyone-is-already-seated-and-i-have-walk-in-late fear and made it in time to hear the Word of the Lord.
Have you ever heard a sermon and felt like someone had been reading your mail? I mean, it was comparable to that old Fugee’s song “Killing Me Softly” where Miss Lauryn Hill sings:
I felt all flushed with fever
Embarrased by the crowd,
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud,
Pastor Ricks was teaching on how God sees through the storms in our lives into our future. And that while often we want an answer about the storm and how it will resolve, God just bypasses it and speaks life into what will be. He taught from Luke 27, a passage I am sure I had read before, although it seemed unfamiliar.
Paul is getting ready to sail for Rome and he boards a ship and tells the people on it that he feels like heading out right then would be dangerous. The men on the ship listen to the owner of the ship instead, a man who sees the soft winds of right now and doesn’t see into the future, the way Paul has. A few days into the journey, a storm whips up called a “northeaster” or “Euroclydon”…its the kind of storm where winds are coming from all directions…the King of Storms on the sea, we might say. Everyone is fearing for their lives. An angel comes to Paul and tells him that no one will perish, despite the fact that they didn’t listen to his warning. The next part of the chapter talks about the shipwreck…the part of the story most of us are probably familiar with. Pastor focused on the fact the message from God was about the future: everyone will live, instead of the present: there will be a shipwreck.
He shared a lot of other things too…but that nailed me right between the eyes. My life right now is in the middle of a Euroclydon sort of storm…every direction I look, it seems like winds are whipping up. I feel tossed by the waves and unable to see any shore from the ship. I am an analyzer, so its been so very hard for me to just ride the turbulence of the waves and hope for a better end. I have been (instead) anxious and not sleeping and full of worry and angst and frustration and depression. As Pastor spoke and I chased Cohen around in the aisle and worked hard at listening, I realized what I really needed was for God to speak into the future of what will be in my life. I need to know that even if there is a shipwreck, that somehow we’ll be able to hold on to some driftwood and make it ashore alive…maybe a little bruised up, but alive.
Monday as I drove to my first day of work with my first client (more about this in a later post), I felt urged to call Pastor. He’s such a gentle soul and he always answers his phone and has time to counsel you, but I always feel nervous about dialing. I did it a few times before I pushed “send” and waited to hear his voice on the other end. As soon as he asked me how I was, I just spilled my guts about the rage boiling just under the surface of my skin and my battle with depression and some of the specific winds blowing hard against me and how much I need to know about life on the other side. Pastor patiently listened and then began to share some things with me that have literally opened my eyes and changed my insides in the last 24 hours.
I appreciate the tender way he never focused too long on what wrong has been done, but I appreciate more that he had practical answers for my situation of being angry and depressed and hating it, but not knowing how to deal with it. I mean, have any of you ever gotten to the place in life where you realize you believe in forgiveness and healing and surrender and know all of the Scripture concerning it, but then realize you don’t know how to actually do it…? I have so been there recently.
He took me through some Scriptures I was familiar with and although none of it was rocket science, I felt a little light bulb go off in my heart. Pastor explained the way that sin (either that we do or that is done against us) creates a vulnerability that the Enemy can attack. No Believer can be possessed, certainly, but we can oppressed…think:
To keep down by severe and unjust use of force or authority: a people who were oppressed by tyranny.
To weigh heavily on: Poverty oppresses the spirit.
Obsolete To overwhelm or crush.
As he spoke the Truth to me, I knew the hurts and sins that had opened up areas of my life to attack. It was like God used his words to pull back the curtain and suddenly I could see how everything in my life is playing out. I knew at that moment, I had to be willing to do whatever it required to remove the feelings and emotions of the Enemy I had taken on as my own. You see, when the Enemy presses in, he wants us as believers to feel his feelings for him. He’s angry. He’s unforgiving. He’s jealous. He’s vindictive. He’s afraid. And as a child of God, being renewed day by day, rage really has no place in my life…no matter what pain I have sustained. Is it wrong to be angry? No, but the Bible commands that we should not sin in our anger…rage goes beyond that. Pastor just encouraged me to really consider what emotions were my own and what emotions I was taking on and feeling and struggling with that were not mine. We talked through the ever-familiar James 4 passage:
7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded
We talked about what it means to submit and resist. He assured me that the Enemy pressed down on me, overwhelming me had to go when God draws near. We talked about washing our hands (what we do) and purifying our hearts (what we believe) and giving up the double mindedness. And you know what? I have been double minded. I have been talking out of both sides of my mouth… saying I know God is sovereign and loving, and then staying up at night restlessly worrying about bills.
We prayed a simple but real prayer and I meant it wholeheartedly as I asked God to forgive my anger and hopelessness and lack of trust and said the words “I submit myself to You” and then I called my rage and depression and anxiety just what they’ve become: SIN. I told the Enemy I won’t feel his frustrations for him and told him to go.
I have always been a proponent of “there’s more to things that just a simple prayer”, but you know what? When I opened my eyes, I felt the weight lift off of my chest. I felt something in me soften and it occurred to me within minutes that I felt like myself again. I went in and met with my client and felt a level of compassion for this drug addicted mom that I wouldn’t have believed was possible the day before.
I went to bed last night and slept soundly and woke up this morning for the first time in 6 months without a single nightmare. In fact, I was dreaming about a huge praise service and all I remember about it now was that I fell on my face in worship without any hesitation and it was so striking and wonderful that even in my dream I made note of it. I woke up at 7 and felt like I had slept. I got up and didn’t have a bit of trouble getting on with the day. When Cohen woke up, I just snuggled and squeezed him without one iota of anxiety robbing me of the experience of his baby soft skin and milky breath.
I am still in the middle of a storm and I feel like there very well may be a shipwreck of sort in my future. I don’t think all things are good, but I do believe that God works all things FOR good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes…and you know what? I do and I am.
I know the press is going to come back and now I am not afraid to really cry out for God’s help, because now I believe that when I submit to God and resist the urges of the Enemy he does actually have to flee. I think I can almost feel my faith growing.
In the midst of inconvenience and the messiness of life, I am really glad I heard a Word from God Sunday morning…because you know what? I was more starving than I had previously realized.
Thank you for this. 🙂
I related to this post soooo much. It applied to my life back when my first was a baby (BTDT with the shower scene – argh!) and all the times after (including now) when I’ve been in a euroclydon. I wish we lived closer for the camraderia we share. 😉
Thanks for being so open and honest. You will be in my prayers as you weather the storm.
Isn’t it just the most precious thing to be in the middle of a storm…and at peace? I’ve been struggling in similar ways the past few days. Jesus is so amazing to grant that peace that surpasses all understanding when we are right with Him and finally humbly submit to the trials. Thanks so much for the reminders, Kate. I hope God proves His love to you in a very special way today.
i am so encouraged by reading about the ways you experience God…. you should check out (if you havent already) Brooke Fraser’s newest CD – “Albertine”.. particularly the song “Faithful” and really really soak up the lyrics.
blessings to you & your sweet family!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. It was absolutely just what I needed to hear right now.
Kate. This is lovely. I definitely relate to you on this one. Lately, I’ve been going through similar things and I’ve started to spend crazy amounts of time with God whenever thoughts like these come up. It’s done wonders & I really feel like God is by my side again (although He was there the entire time, It’s nice to feel him and witness his wonderful plans.)
Thanks for writing. This is one of many testaments of how great God is.
God Bless.
Casey
This is a verse that I found again last night. It helps me to realize that I have to wait for God’s timing rather than my own.
“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him.” -Isaiah 30:18
amen.
He is our victor. our strength. our joy. our everything – He is for us, so who can be against us!
Wow, thanks so much for sharing that, Kate.
I’ve been wrestling with a lot of depression and anger as well — a lot of which is tied to some resentment against “the church” and other Christians who have hurt me.
I genuinely appreciate your post and it encouraged me to no end. Thanks so much!
-Paige
Kate, I finished reading this blog with tears in my eyes.
First of all, know that I will be praying for you. I love you Kate, and know that I’m so thankful for the fact that you’ve shared this with us.. these hard things with us.
Kate, you mentioned the passage in James. My jaw literally dropped when I read that because just yesterday I read that passage out of desperate need. I have been struggling like never before – feeling distant from God, and struggling with sin like being unfaithful to Him, seeking half-heartedly, not trusting Him, forgetting He is faithful, sometimes being angry. And this has been a huge struggle during the past few weeks – and then something unexpected in my life happened. Something that has become a huge passion and burden, and has left me with weekly nightmares and nights of no sleep or 3-4hrs for 4 1/2 weeks… that has been affecting me as well.
And the thing that I hate the most is that all of it happened at the same time – I started struggling with things as soon as God felt distant, this passion and burden was placed in me as soon as God felt distant.
But, honestly Kate… I tend to forget that God’s timing is perfect. That even though you and I are greatly struggling, God is faithful. That even though we are (or in your case.. were) struggling with Him in things; sometimes He allows those things to happen to remind us just how desperate we are for Him.
I just got home from a spending time with a very dear friend of mine, and I told her how I’ve felt distant from God in the midst of so much. And some of the last words I said to her were words I once said to a friend of mine and then last week they were said to me: “Sometimes I think God distants Himself from us or allows things to happen to remind us just how desperate we are for Him.”
Seriously, if we weren’t proven that God is faithful – that God is just and merciful, then we would never realize just how much we need Him. We are nothing on our Kate, we fail, fall, sin, give in, give up, and question so much… but yet we are proven that God is faithful, and because of that, we so often remember just how desperate we are for Him.
A few words I’ve been trying to allow to sink in…
“His wife said to him, “Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!”
He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. -Job 2:9-10
Know that I will be praying for you friend, you seriously are and will be on my mind and in my heart. I have been struggling with this, but trust that God is faithful, pray to be filled with TRUTH and that lies would disappear… I’ve said those words often in times with God lately.
I ask that you pray for me as well, I’ve been struggling spiritually like never before. It’s been immensely hard. Plus something in my life has been put in front of me that I didn’t expect… if you haven’t read my 2 blogs “Losing Sleep and Other Things (part 1 and 2) please do, if you consider praying for me on that so you know what is going on with that area of my life.
Love you Kate… and know that you are being prayed for!
Sorry for such a long comment… I was on a “word spree.” If the words are helpful or comforting then I take my apology back. 🙂
Wow… That was the first word that came to mind when I read your entry. To be honest, I tend to forget that we all go through our “storms” in life and have the tendency to be sitting in the boat riddled with anxiety and fear and just knowing that we’re going to sink and nothing will save us. And to know that God is so good and that He is right there weathering the storm with us and surrounding us even in our time of doubt is unfathomable and so humbling.
That was such and honest and eloquent testament of your journey in this season and was something that was very welcomed in hearing… It’s nice to be reminded we’re not all alone in the boat even though we may not know all the other passengers.
Thanks, Kate. This ministered to me.
A beautiful, brave and moving post. Thank you for that.
I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember – at least for 38 of my 50 years. I became a Christian at 29 and the struggle didn’t cease…although I have come to understand peace and love even in the midst of it all. I’ve asked God why it must continue to be this way, and haven’t received any answer other than, “Trust me. It must be.” And so I trust.
Reading your post, I just thought about my life as a seemingly endless series of euroclydons – one howling storm after another – but the calm periods seem so much more beautiful compared to the turmoil, the peacefulness of the shore so much more striing and comforting when compared to the raging seas.
So even after the shipwrecks, I’m eager to again put out to sea – time and time again – because God has taken me places and shown me things I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. “man cannot discover new oceans unless he has courage to lose sight of the shore.” So I pray nightly for deliverence, and I pray daily for courage. And each day i wake up, I set sail with this thought and prayer, “Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul.” (Ps 143:8)
Thank you again. My prayers are with you.
Your honesty is always inspiring, as much as it probably feels completely vulnerable like you’re spewing out your insides by sharing it with the world. But it’s a great thing that you’re willing to share what you’re going through so that others in the same boat that is flailing through the euroclydons of life might also grow in faith with you.
Though I don’t know the details of what you’re going through, I have been in some small storms myself…maybe even a northeaster. I’m not sure I’ve ever realized what a hold the Enemy has on us in those times until now.
Thanks for sharing.
Keep holding on to hope.
Thank you for sharing, Kate. Transparancy is so important and often under rated among believers. I will be praying for you and that your honesty and openness will touch others and encourage them in their struggles.
I already left a comment on here, but I wanted to share a quote with you that I just heard from a missionary preaching this past Sunday. It’s been on my mind since then, and I thought you might gain something from it?
from John S. Dunne:
“When hope does awaken, an entire life awakens with it. It begins to seem indeed that one has never lived before. One awakens to a life that is eternal in prospect, a life that opens up before one all the way to death and beyond, a life that seems able to endure death and survive it. Wherever hope rises, life rises.”
You are always so open and honest – i just love you for that. it’s so hard when we are in the midst of a storm to remember how faithful God is if we will just reach out and really take what He wants to give us. So many times the “storms” we are in are multiplied by the “storms” we create in our thoughts and we don’t realize it. We tend to forget that the same power the raised Jesus from being cold and dead is the same POWER that is in us! I know that is said so many times but I think when we truly wrap our mind around it, things inside really start to change. God’s power is amazing and can be such an active force in our life, we just have to live and operate in it and i think when Christians don’t, they become frustrated.
Don’t let go of the Power you have found – continue to call on it every day and continue to rebuke the thoughts that press in on you when are weak. Everything in Heaven and earth bows to Jesus’ name, including fruitless thoughts of the enemy; don’t accept them – renew those old thoughts with new one’s. I’m praying for you and your family. Keep pressing in – God will continue to meet you where you are!
I love the Lauryn Hill/ Fugees reference- ahhh, brings back memories 🙂
first of all, i am amazed and honestly inspired by your determination to still get to church on a morning like you were having… and so thankful for how God clearly met you there… thank you for sharing all of that. i’m thankful for you, kate.
Dude, just an idea, and as a future pastor myself, I’m clearly FOR you being a physical part of the body, BUT I am curious, does your home church record the sermons? I know that listening online or the radio or cds/tapes has been a great source of encountering the Word for me when getting to the service was impossible. Either way, you go girl. Love you. Burly says hi to the pups:)
I am back from the living dead (or so it feels!) I hope to blog more, but I recently found out I was pregnant, and I just am glad I stumbled across your blogs again. i think you reiterate some of the feelings i’ve been feeling lately, and it’s nice to connect again with people on those levels… Thank you!
Kate – thanks so much for your post! I love your genuine and honest spirit and willingness to share! You are a blessing and encouragement and I found that while I was reading your thoughts, they mirrored so much of mine! I was encouraged to read the scriptures you referenced and know that I’m not alone, that others struggle with similar storms that God is taking me through. Because you and Shawn are a team, your testimony and honesty make his music and testimony that much more meaningful to me! What a blessing that you share your life with others! Praise God for you and allowing Him to use you as a means to share the Truth! God bless… and I hope you have many more good dream nights! 🙂
That sounds like me every Sunday trying to get to church. If it’s not baby #3 pooping up her back, it’s baby #2 spilling jelly all over him or Baby #1 taking off all oh her clothes because she is a nature bunny and is tired of waiting for everyone else. I go through that all of the time. I feel your pain. I wonder why thought it always happens on Sundays or very important meeting days. Somedays I just stick them all in their footed pajamas put their rain boots on them and say ok we are leaving as is. 😉
thank you so much for this post. i stumbled on to your blog a while ago and occasionally come back to visit.
god in his faithfulness continues to minister to us in our hour of need even when we doubt him time and time again. I’ve been going through something so much like this and in the middle of all the turmoil, god spoke to me through this.
Hey girl, thanks for your sharing your heart treasures.
http://www.effulgencephotography.com/blog/
I came by to say thank you for what you shared on ETJ about Gen. 39:2 “The Lord was with Joseph and he prospered” in prison and in power, it was all about Joseph having God with him…your words so resonated deep in my soul. I love, Kate, what you write –Psalm 81:10—you open your mouth and God fills it with Himself for me. And so, then, I read this post and His beauty so pours out from you in your desires, your beautiful desires, longing for HIM. I’m so touched! Your tongue is the pen of a ready writer for your God Psalm 45:1…and you just flowed with it! Such truth for my heart this dark night! So encouraging! May He do II Thes 1:11 for you—fulfill every desire you have for righteousness—I just love your beautiful heart!!! And I believe He will keep on working a work of faith with Power in you and through that He may be glorified in you and you in HIM—He already has. You are such a beautiful delight to read as you let the Scriptures read you.
Hello kate, i’ve been reading your blog ever since i heard that cohen was born. I really like your blogs. I’m also a fan your sister’s and your hubby’s. Bethany, i got to see her In Tacoma on tour with Jeremy Camp. I also got a picture with her. I still have it. I’ve never been to one of your husband’s concerts. I know last year he had one on my birthday but i was in Oregon at the time. So, i couldn’t go. Speaking of Shawn, uh………..oh yeah! When is his new album coming out? i heard it was supposed to come out in September but they moved the date up. Is it coming out in Early February or late february? I just wanted to know. Please, if you have time to write back i would appreciate it. Thanks!
p.s i’m only 18 and i fell in love with your husbands music when i was 15. So, you can tell im a big fan. haha!
Hey Kate. I was checking out the website for Eyes Wide Open World Wide and I saw that Shawn was a contributor to the ministry. I thought that it was cool and wanted to stop by and say hi. I hope you’re having a great time being a wife and mother and writer and decorator and all of your other occupations. Bye!
Wow.
Hey, just came by again to say that your “manna and quail” quote tonight on the ETJ was so powerful for me. God is our Provider even when we are unaware—He showed up at my door this weekend to provide unbeknowance to my even asking as we were trying to work hard to get the $1,500 over the weekend we needed to pay a bill. But, He showed up and it’s not dependent on my righteousness, thank goodness. I loved your wrecked heart story. Just love love love that you deal with the frightful fray of your heart and you let your beautiful God pour your beauty out on us all. To this one He looks, Kate, who is humble and trembles at His Word. Isaiah 66:2
Dear Kate,
You’re in my prayers! I think about all of the times you were a comfort, encouragement, and a voice of truth in my life and I am so thankful for you. The Lord is doing a good work in You and He will never abandon you.
Hey Kate,
I have finally worked up the nerve to comment on your blog. I found your old blog sometime back in November and decided to start from the very beginning and read through all the posts up till the present. You captivated me with your writing in a comfortable, casual way. It’s clear God has given you a gifting.
I do have to admit I was first a fan of your sister. My mom say’s I get into a “Beth mood” and am constantly listening to her in the car, on my mac, in my room, anywhere there are speakers : ) I love the sincerity and “realness” of her music. I feel like I can lay my heart at His feet whenever I listen.
Alright, I’m done ranting on your sister : ) I love Shawn’s music as well but just recently started listening to him. Still working on collecting his music, but my favorite so far, is the song “Home”. Sounds like your whole family is a pretty talented and giving bunch!
I love the stories you share of your mom and your younger brothers. So sweet! And the tales of daily life with baby Cohen. I also enjoy your book requests. I love to read whether I agree or disagree with the author. I’m sixteen, so I still have a lot of pages in a lot of books to go, but I just soaked up “Blue Like Jazz” and it was one of those life-changing reads.
I guess I just want to say thanks. Thanks for sharing your heart and you life with all of us. This blog is a real encouragement for me.
“have any of you ever gotten to the place in life where you realize you believe in forgiveness and healing and surrender and know all of the Scripture concerning it, but then realize you don’t know how to actually do it…?”
i’ve felt exactly like that for the past few months. thank you so much for your posts. it’s great to know that other people hurt in similar ways. but it’s also great to see how you overcome.
i know that this was written a while back, but it’s still relevant and eye-opening. God’s using you in wonderful ways.