If you’ve never had an anxiety attack, its one of those things that is hard to explain… The first time I had a full blown anxiety attack I was a freshmen in college. I woke up sweating in my bunk bed, thoughts racing like an adrenaline rush. It felt like the air was being sucked out of the room faster than I could inhale; the faster I gasped the more sparse it got. My heart was pounding in my ears- how could it not have woken the two other girls asleep feet from me? I wanted to tell myself to calm down; to breathe; to be reasonable, but there was no getting a hold of my body.
I continued to have these attacks until I figured out the source of the anxiety and started to deal with it.
The older I got, the more anxiety attacks faded into a tightness in my chest or a shortness of breath that was usually unexplainable. My Holzbauer genes are likely to blame. My mom’s family has always struggled with these symptoms and many of my relatives are on medication to control them.
Money is not a big deal to me. I grew up on the poor side of things- lots of kids, one income, hand-me-downs, and used toys. I can honestly say it never bothered me. That little Guess? triangles on jeans? Didn’t care a whip. Not a penny pincher and not a spender, that’s me. I remember the first time I had anxiety over spending money. I had moved to an apartment and bought new bedding that added up to $100. I had never spent $100 in one place on something that wasn’t necessary. I called my mom regretful and crying. She asked me, “well do you have the money?” I did. “Do you have outstanding bills you can’t pay?” I didn’t. She calmed me down.
Tithing wasn’t a big deal for me because I had grown up doing it. I never thought of that 10% as mine and took it out of my checks first thing along with rent and anything else I needed to pay. It was simple to me. I didn’t have anxiety about it.
When Cohen was born we found ourselves in a bad position- we’d been told we had a huge check coming from Shawn’s record that we’d be planning on while we used our credit cards to fill the gap. The check? It didn’t come until a year later and was 1/3 the agreed upon amount. It sent us into a tailspin financially.
We brought Co home from the hospital and didn’t have money to buy diapers or groceries. I will never forget the anxiety that came over me when that realization hit home… I can’t, because its still here.
A year and a half later, I wait days to open mail and avoid checking my account online until I can’t any longer. I feel like vomiting, I start to sweat, that unwelcomed tightness takes over me again. I do this even when I know I have money in the account.
Last week, I made myself get into my account and discovered I had well over 9x the amount of money I thought I had because I had forgotten about transferring some money (for puppies) from my paypal account. Waves of relief rolled over me as I wrote out check after check, paying things off, making payments, and even paying some things in advance.
Then I thought about my tithe. The worst thing about my money-anxiety is that I am so tempted now to keep what is God’s. I am so worried about coming up short that I consider shorting Him. I hate it. I hate it when I give my tithe begrudgingly. I hate it when I talk myself out of giving it at all.
I stared at my pile of checks and I knew in all of my relief and thankfulness I will still tempted to overlook writing that check. I had 9x what I thought I had and I still wanted to overlook it!
Something in me said “ENOUGH”. I wrote out the check to the church God has blessed me with. I put Cohen in the car and I drove it up to the office and gave it to the receptionist. I knew if I waited until Sunday, I might let my worry take over and talk myself out of it.
Wouldn’t you know Monday morning I got a very unexpected refund from our old mortgage company? About $950 worth of a refund? Apparently we overpaid them at the closing of our Seattle home. Oh, and the electric company? Overpaid them too. Oh, and that stimulus check? Finally came.
I love what my church teaches about tithing: We don’t give to get blessed. We don’t need to give because God is broke or the Church is broke. We give to get our hearts’ FREE! We give to be obedient. We give to remind ourselves that God is Worthy and that everything is His- even the air He so graciously allows us to breath.
It was a good reminder for me that if the flowers of the field are clothed and the birds of the air are fed, that I don’t need to waste so much time worrying about tomorrow.
God is good. And, it always feels good to give 🙂
My husband has had an anxiety attack, scary stuff.
What an awesome reminder of God’s faithfulness!
Yay, God!
Thats Awesome Kate!!! Always right on time!!
amen kate. i struggle with this so much too. i always say to myself “well i can’t pay the credit cards late, but i can pay God late!” so lame. i started taking the cash right out of the account as soon as we deposit the check and putting it into an envelope they give me. so freeing to get that money out of my hands.
it’s funny, i grew up similar financially and had no prob taking off the top for tithe. BUT as soon as jack was born, i started to hold that money TIGHT. sean tried real estate for a year when i got pregnant and we literally had NO MONEY for a long time. lots of promised checks. no health insurance, then paying $$$$$800 dollars a month for coverage. we charged up all our cards and kept thinking, that big check is coming we will pay it all off. it never came. we recently made some difficult decisions about what to do with our debt. i still have a HUGE pile of loans from college. we want to buy a home one day. but you need $100,000 just for a down payment on long island!
anyways just wanted to say I feel you sister….
shana
p.s. we are moved into our new place and finally have our OWN bedroom. it’s heavenly!
Kate,
You done know me at all, but I linked up to you blog through Marla Barnards blog. You have no idea how much you have encouraged me through this whole blog. This post hit very close to home.
“A year and a half later, I wait days to open mail and avoid checking my account online until I can’t any longer. I feel like vomiting, I start to sweat, that unwelcomed tightness takes over me again. I do this even when I know I have money in the account.
Jumped right out at me! I have taken the ostrich approach to my finances. Sticking my head in the sand and ignoring bills and avoiding my bank account.
I also struggle with tithing. Thank you for reminding me why its important. That its not mine anyway and that it frees my heart!
Mindy
Kate…
How encouraging! Our God is so faithful.
I love how you pointed out that tithing is really just giving God the money that’s all ready His. It’s never “ours” to begin with.
I’ve been reading a book by Craig Hill called “Wealth, Riches, and Money”, and it’s been SO eye opening. I’ve never been so challenged (or more at peace!) concerning my personal finances. I encourage anyone here that’s struggling with this topic to check out that book: http://www.wealthrichesmoney.org – It will revolutionize your perspective on money and the faithfulness of God!
TITHING IN A NUTSHELL
by Russell Earl Kelly
http://www.tithing-russkelly.com
(see web site for all texts)
November 6, 2008
1. Post-Calvary Christian giving principles in Second Corinthians are superior to tithing. (1) Giving is a “grace.” (2) Give yourself to God first. (3) Give yourself to knowing God’s will. (4) Give in response to Christ’s gift. (5) Give out of a sincere desire. (6) Do not give because of any commandment (8:8, 10; 9:7). (7) Give beyond your ability. (8) Give to produce equality. (9) Give joyfully (8:2). (10) Give because you are growing spiritually. (11) Give to continue growing spiritually. (12) Give because you are hearing the gospel preached.
2. Abraham’s tithed in Genesis 14 in obedience to pagan tradition. (1) He did not “freely” give. (2) His was NOT a holy tithe from God’s holy land by God’s holy people under God’s holy Covenant. (3) His was only from pagan spoils of war required in many nations. (4) In Num. 31, God required 1% of spoils. (5) His tithe to his priest-king was a one-time event. (6) Not from his personal property. (7) Kept nothing for himself. (8) Is not quoted to endorse tithing. (9) Most commentaries explain 14:21 as pagan Arab tradition, it is contradictory to explain the 90% of 14:21 as pagan, while insisting the 10% of 14:20 was obedience to God’s will. (10) If Abraham were an example for Christians to give 10%, he should also be an example for Christians to give the other 90% to Satan, or to the king of Sodom! (11) As priests, neither Abraham nor Jacob had a Levitical priesthood to support; they probably left food for the poor at their altars.
3. Although money was common and essential for worship for over 1500 years, biblical tithes were always only food increased by God from inside Israel (Lev. 27:30, 32; see site for all 16 texts).
4. Since only farmers and herdsmen tithed, there was no minimum standard requirement for most. Tradesmen such as carpenters (Jesus), Peter (fishermen) and Paul (tentmakers) did not qualify as tithe-payers. The poor and Gentiles did not tithe.
5. Tithing was only commanded to national Israel under the terms of the Old Covenant. Tithing was never commanded to the Church after Calvary (Ex 19:5-6; Lev 27:34; Mal 4:4; Mt 23:23 matters of the law).
6. Those who received the first whole tithe did not minister atonement (Num. 18:21-24; Neh10:37b). Priests only received 1% (a tenth of the tithe) (Num 18:25-28; Neh 10:38).
7. In exchange for receiving tithes, both Levites and priests forfeited all rights to permanent land inheritance inside Israel (Num. 18:20-26).
8. Firstfruits are not the same as tithes. Firstfruits were a very small token offering (Deu 26:1-4; Neh 10:35-37; Num 18:13-17). Tithes were the tenth and not the best; only 1% of the tithes included the best (Lev. 27:32, 33).
9. There were 4 O.T. tithes: (1) Government taxes (1 Sam 8:14-17). (2) Levitical (Num. 18:21-28; Neh. 10:37-39). (3) Festival (Deu 12:1-19; 14:22-26). (3) Poor tithe every 3rd year (Deu 14:28-29; 26:12-13).
10. Tithes were often taxes used to support Levite [politicians (1 Chron, chap 23 to 26; esp 23:2-5; 26:29-32; 27:5). Tithes never supported mission work (Ex 23:32; Heb 7:12-18).
11. OT Levitical tithes were brought first to the Levitical cities and not to the Temple (Num 18; Neh 10:37-39; 2 Chron 31:15-19). Most Levites required tithes in their Levitical cities where 98% stayed (Num 35, Josh 20, 21).
12. Malachi 3 is the most abused tithing text in the Bible. (1) Malachi is OT and is never quoted in the New Covenant to validate tithing. (2) Tithes are still only food. (3) His audience reaffirmed the OT curses (Neh.10:28-29). (4) The blessings and curses of tithing are identical to and inseparable from those of the entire Mosaic Law (Deu 28:12, 23-24; Gal 3:10/Deu 27:26). (5) “You” in Malachi refers to the dishonest priests and not the people (1:6-14; 2:1-10; 2:13 to 3:1-5). (6) The “whole” tithe never went to the Temple! (Neh 10:37b). (7) The Levitical cities must be included in a correct interpretation. (8) The 24 courses of Levites and priests must be included. (9) The “storehouse” in the Temple was only several rooms (Neh 13:5, 9). (9) “Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse” only makes contextual sense if it is only commanding dishonest priests to replace the tithes they had removed from it or had failed to bring to it.
13. The OT Temple and priesthood have been replaced by the priesthood of every believer. NT elders and pastors more closely resemble OT prophets who were not supported by tithes.
14. Tithing was not legalized as a church law until AD 777. If was not introduced as a local regional law until the 6th century. See any reputable encyclopedia.
15. NT giving principles are: freewill, sacrificial, generous, joyful, not by commandment or percentage and motivated by love for God and lost souls.
From the book, Should the Church Teach Tithing?
http://www.tithing-russkelly.com russell-kelly@att.net
“Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.”
Luke 12:29 (MSG)
This is one of my favorite verses from The Message. I constantly have to remind myself of these things. I have them written in several places in my house for when my anxiety starts to head south.
God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions
That’s so awesome, Kate! My husband and I are raising support for our jobs and as we’ve been praying for God to provide for us financially over the last few weeks, it has been so cool to see Him do it in totally unexpected ways – such a faith builder! It’s really encouraging to hear about God providing for you and how we don’t need to worry about tomorrow – I really appreciate your post!
Hey Kate,
I’d love to talk to you about this. I have been in such a similar position, and am still to a certain extent…email me and we can talk about it!
Amen! Isn’t it so amazing what God will teach us if we allow Him to?
I am learning SO much from Him right now and while it is not comfortable, I am thankful!
I will be praying for your job possibility. My mantra lately is, “God knows!” He knows what you need and He will come through! Hang in there!
[…] Little Miss Anxiety […]
I needed to read this post more than you’ll ever know! Ouch, ouch, ouch! You are such a wise woman! Okay, I have to get off this computer and write some bills! 🙂
Thank you!
Love,
Angie xoxo
Great post, Kate! I think especially in these tight money times, its a great reminder. 🙂
I too grew up tithing and have been able to do that pretty well. Last year we stepped up and started a Party Tithe. Now I’m trying to get going with missions giving. Oh my, I still need to grow in faith as I look at this, but God is faithful!
Keep up the great work, and may God continue to bless you!
~Luke
Hey friend, sat the mail on the stairs today…you should get it. Some look promising. 🙂 Have a good rest of your day.
Wonderful post, Kate. May God continue to relieve you of your anxiety.
Great post! I had something very similar to this happen last year – where there was a large amount of “fuzzy” money – you know – the kind of situation where it’s not “clear” that you should tithe on it? And it turned out that all we had left was exactly (within 4 cents!!) 10% of the original amount of money.
We needed it to pay several things. But I really felt convicted that we should tithe it. It was gut wrenching, because we never even saw the other 90%. But we agreed we should. We did, and the very next week we got an unexpected check that was 5 times the amount that we had tithed the week before! God is SO good!
We live in a house that is often ruled by General Anxiety Disorder. My daughter was diagnosed when she was in the fourth grade (Hers is life altering at times) and my son has is to a milder degree. We no longer medicate but use other methods to deal with it. (I’ve heard it described as your brain believing there’s a tiger in the room. Your eyes tell you that there’s no tiger, but your body reacts like there is.) I am sorry that you struggle with this.
You really, really encourage me. This is the first time I’ve every posted a comment. I’ve been following this blog for a long time now. I actually read it everyday, and very much look forward to it. I’m serious! Its like a novel, or something. I can’t wait to see what your going to write next. You have such a gift of expression. Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us out here. ~ Tracey
Ah, yes…those lovely anxiety attacks. I had them when I was a teenager. Mine, too, started one night while I was lying in bed – I thought I was going to suffocate to death! Turned out mine was a fear of dying. Yes, I was a believer, but was somehow struggling with all those teenage emotions coupled with the fact that I was about to travel overseas to a dangerous/unfamiliar country for a missions trip and was unsure about what would happen. Thankfully God got a hold of me, but, man it was hard to deal with. Turns out I had a near death experience while I was there and that set on a huge attack…not an easy lesson to learn when you’re 15, but God is so wise! I’m glad He taught me through them. Anyways, I can empathize with ya!
Wow. I’ve experienced something very similar to this… I was really tempted not to tithe after I found out I’d lost my job. In fact, I sat in my seat at church and bawled and bawled as I wrote the check. That month, SO many things financially fell in to place, but it was the hardest time I’ve ever had doing what I was supposed to do!
i can remember right after my 1st was born and we made the decision for me to stay at home. there was no way it worked out on paper. and being married to a banker… having a father that was a banker… and being a banker myself… well, let’s just say it was waaaay more than a step of faith. more like jumping off the cliff and holding our breath kinda step! but you know what, even though we had way less than we were accustomed to and were tempted to quit tithing, we didn’t stop. and you know what else? a couple of weeks after that, the local jr college called frank and asked him if he would teach a banking class that they were going to be offering. Hmmm… the amount they wanted to pay him was the amount we were going to be short on paper! and he taught until we didn’t need him to anymore… God is sooo good!
I understand…on all parts. The money issues, struggles with tithing, and the anxiety attacks.
It’s so comforting to hear of other people who deal with anxiety, b/c sometimes it just feels like I’m crazy. Most of the time my anxiety/panic attacks come on for no reason whatsoever…and I have many in my family to thank as well. Oh, heredity…
I know anxiety attacks AND financial difficulites all too well, sadly! Glad God is speaking to you through all the storms!
I didn’t grow up tithing! I’m pretty sure that I am the only person in my whole family (including extended family) that tithes. I started tithing as a single mom…Not easy! But somewhere along the way after being married, we started saying “Okay God, we owe you for this week.” Sometimes a couple of weeks would go by before I would “pay Him back.” So silly! Then several times we had to ask Him to forgive that debt. Next thing we knew we stopped tithing. So of course we were struggling. Then one week God told my husband to just do it. I argued that we would not be able to pay a bill in exchange, but knew in my heart that it was right. What do you know? The message that week was on tithing and it was so right on. We had been looking at it all wrong! Since then my husband has received approx. $13 in raises an hour. Faithful every week now, and incredibly blessed I still struggle. I worry about the economy and the people hurting around us and losing jobs that always did well before. But every week I have to give it up to God because it is right, and because He has never let me down.
Kate, I loved this post. It is so amazing to here you speak with such candor and humility of heart and spirit. I love the principle of tithing. I was reminded recently about how when I began tithing in college (I had no money!!!) God made provision for all of my needs and I never did without. We have always tithed, but have recently begun partisipating in a monthly 1st Fruits Offering that our church takes and gives 100% of away. It has been challenging. We pray, ask God what to give, write the check and trust God. He is faithful. He is Jehovah Jireh, our provider. I hope that none will be lead astray by teaching such as the pontifications of the Ph.D. who wrote above. Seek first the Kingdom and all of these things will be added unto you! Blessings sweet friend!
When we trust God, we find out that He is trustworthy….beyond our wildest imagination.
Kate, I highly recommend the book The Total Money Makeover. I am currently reading it with my entire church and we’re discussing it in small groups. It has helped me SO much.
I’m sure you’ve read about my own financial blunders this past few months, and this just blessed my heart so much Kate. i need to stop and take a look at my own heart regarding this.
Thank you Kate
Wow. Your powerful, personal story of panic attacks leads into this beautiful account of honoring God and Him making it abundantly clear that He is pleased that you did what He wanted.
Keep writing.
Your openness preaches and encourages.
Funny thing… As a wife to a pastor, tithing directly affects our lives. We depend on tithes to survive.
And yet? We’re not good at it.
Part of it is the struggle for where to tithe… More often than not, people would tithe to their church. But being as how the church is where my husband’s salary comes from, we feel kind of strange doing that.
I think it’s important to remember that we are called to be faithful to tithing without expecting the reward.
“We don’t! We just count it as blessing!”
But I know that it doesn’t happen for everyone. And although the stories are amazing and inspiring, there are some people who have yet to reap a blessing of that magnitude (though we are all richly blessed through giving alone), and it becomes quite dangerous to assume that a monetary blessing is imminent.
All the same, I love those stories. Because dude, that’s a totally tangible display of God’s provision
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